Tuesday, September 27, 2016

Royal Caption Slam

"Don't lift your arms too high, peasant. 
They need to be able to see me."

Monday, September 26, 2016

Thursday, September 22, 2016

Wednesday, September 21, 2016

Tuesday, September 20, 2016

Emmy Slam 2016

Hello Possums!  Are you so completely excited for the Emmy's?  You know I am.

To be completely honest I was less excited about some and more excited about others...Guiliana Rancic I'm looking at you. Weeds does not an outfit make.

Moving on, though!

Are you ready to start slamming these silly celebs with their ridiculous clothes? I know I am.

Let's go!

Millie Bobby Brown
Is it just me or is the movie Birds attacking Millie?

America Fererra
Simple and sleek but a little boring and doesn't appear to fit her very well across the hips...

Ariel Winter
I feel like there's a really angry ice dancer out there who doesn't understand what Ariel did to her costume.
Felicity Huffman
A little too much like wallpaper plus ZERO lippy? Come on.

Judith Light
Very Retro 1930s glam but just a touch too Frank Lloyd Wrong for me...

Kathryn Hahn
Scarlet O'Hara is on hold for you and this green velvet nightmare.


Niecy Nash
Gorgeous, love the sweep of fabric.  It's so rare to see something so smokin' in white and it's so rare to see something white that doesn't look bridal.  Well done, Ms. Nash.

Rhea Seehorn
I like this in theory but I don't think the execution is great.  If the designer had gone with a different fabric things might have been happier but the wrinkles across her lap are just the tip of the iceberg for me.
Angela Bassett
Great color, but a little too drapey and anti-structure for me.

 Allison Janney
I can't tell what kind of fabric the bodice is made of but i don't love it.  You know what else I don't love?  The giant bow at her waist.  You are not twelve, Allison!  Come on, with some sophistication, already!

 Alia Shawkat
And this is why foundation garments are so important. Also, not everyone can wear curtains, Alia. Scarlet O'Hara finished with Kathryn and is now on the phone for you.  She has some questions about your judgement.

 Anika Noni Rose
Man, this lady is so under-rated it's not even funny.  And her dress is really pretty cool and not even remotely bridal. Well done!

 Amanda Peet
Oh, Amanda. I just can't with you anymore.  Please go to your room and think about what you've done.

 Amy Poehler
 Oh, come on! Who crocheted this monster and why did you let them guilt you into wearing it?

 Connie Britton
This is actually kind of fun and interesting. I think I like it.

 Claire Danes
Classic, old Hollywood glam. Not bad, except for the gawdamned lippy, which is apparently scarce on the left coast these days.

 Chelsea Peretti
Sweet Baby Cambridge, why would you wear your grandmother's old nightgown?

 Constance Zimmer
Nice but is it a little too much like wallpaper? I think maybe...

 Emilia Clarke
I like this but like most things beige it's a little dull.

Ellie Kemper
Love her hair, and wow it's not easy to wear yellow but she's doing it pretty well. I gotta be honest, though, the horizontal zig-zag isn't doing much for me.

 Emmy Rossum
Here comes the boring old bride.

 Gwendolyn Christie
It's kind of bold to wear something so short to a major awards show. I like that it's not basic black and that the bodice has some interesting fabric attachment.  Her skin is gorgeous against that metallic, I just wish her hair weren't so platinum.

 Gabby Hoffman
If you're going to act like this, Gabby, you won't be invited back.

 Heidi Klum
This is interesting and fun to look at. I wish it were red, or royal blue or emerald green or purple, though.

 Holly Taylor
Not bad.  She does not look bridal, she's dressing her age, and her hair and make up are fabulous.

 Julie Bowen
And just like that we're back at David's Bridal.

 Joanne Froggatt
Boring and hard to walk in.  Trust me, I watched her struggle along that step and repeat.  Also, super boring. Did I say that already?  Why do women wear black to these things. Don't you wanna stand out?  Also, LIPPY. God invented lipstick so you would wear it, Jo.  Just saying.

 Julia Louis-Dreyfus
I really like the cut of this dress (and I'll be honest I listened to hear acceptance speech this morning on the radio and totally cried when she mentioned her dad) but I am HATING the fabric and weird bodice straps.

 Kristin Bell
I really love it but I feel like this wallpaper would have been in Charlotte's SATC apartment at some point.

 Keri Russell
Good lord, did you and Anna Chlumsky get together in advance and make a conscious decision to wear sacks? Only is certain, very specific areas of the country are potato sacks supposed to double as dresses.  And L.A. isn't one of them. Get it together, ladies.

 Kerry Washington
Very dramatic and interesting with the cut outs but I have anxiety about how often she needed to hike it up over the course of the night.

 Laura Carmichael
Sweet Jesus, why do you do this to yourself? You know Lady Mary is going to wear something effortlessly amazing and make you feel less-than not because you are but because you CHOOSE to wear something like THIS and then you'll fight and the viewers are going to choose her over you AGAIN because that's how it works when you act like this.

 Laverne Cox
Really gorgeous but not quite a perfect fit.

 Lili Taylor
Oh for heavens sake, Lili. If you're going to wear a tux the least you could do is wear one that fits.

 Michele Dockery
Aaaaaand, I rest my case, Laura.  Lady Mary is KILLING it and even busted out some fabulous lippy!

 Minnie Driver
What prim little pose.  Are you channeling La Middleton?  Love the color and love the cut-outs, very fun.

 Melora Hardin
Great color, great cut.
 Mandy Moore
Jesus Hector Christ, this is just awful. Fire your stylist immediately and then call me so we can go shopping.

 Maura Tierney
This is just okay.
 Maisie Williams
Okay, I guess this is young and fresh and age appropriate but her hair is ruining the look for me.  It's way too heavy and dark.  She looks like a Chrissie Hinde wannabe.

 Neve Campbell
Boring.
 Natasha Leonne
Nope.  If butt capes aren't acceptable you can bet your bottom dollar that regular capes aren't, either.  I have decreed it.
 Regina King
Dang it, more butt capes.  Other than that extra swath of fabric I like this.  It's a great color and it fits her really well and her minimal jewelry allows her collar bones and skin to take center stage, which they do.
Sarah Hyland
What the WHAT?  It's a butt cape that has some peplum attached which...I don't love. The embroidery is lovely but no, I can't.

 Sarah Paulson
Okay, I really love this color but I'm not in love with the drastic vee (J.Lo, anyone?), nor the dangling bits of sparkle. I think it might be painful to sit in...

Sophie Turner
Black is not okay. This kind of see-through black with beige underneath is even less okay.

 Sophia Vergara
And as is with almost all one-shouldered gowns the bodice looks off-kilter.

 Taraji P. Henson
Okay, I love me some Taraji but I think it's hilarious that she never smiles on the red carpet. It's always some version of Blue Steel.  The dress is great.  It's not easy to wear yellow but she is and she looks amazing.

 Tina Fey
Nice.  This green is just glorious and the fit and cut of the dress are slammin.

Full Disclosure - these are the word-for-word notes I took while watching the red carpet:
Tatiana Maslany
Wow, love this woman!!  Wow, she's American!  And wow, the dress is great. Not perfect, though. I think Felix would disapprove. It's not completely, totally flattering. I like the color but I think it's too structured.  OMG we share a birthday!!!  I am totally geeking out, you guys, and I recognize that I need to stop.  So I am going to stop. No, really. I will, I promised.  Except I LOVE her!

Ahem.  Okay, I'm done.

Viola Davis
Dang, this woman can pull off a dress!  She just about always delivers something fantastic and today is no different. I love the color, the cut and the design of the bodice.  She's rockin it!

And that means we've come to the moment you've all been waiting for!

WORST IN SHOW
 Anna Chlumsky
I honestly have no words other than, When did we all come to realize that Anna was batshit crazy? That would be the 2016 Emmys, why do you ask?


BEST IN SHOW
 Jane Krakowski
Slam dunk.  The cut is fabulous, the fabric itself is gorgeous, the shoes are to DIE, and her hair and make up are COMPLETELY on point.  Sweet Baby Jane, this is phenomenal!

And that's all, folks!  Until next time I wish you amazing adventures with jewel-tone fabrics and lots of lippy!

Ciao!