Monday, September 23, 2019

Emmy Slam 2019

So, adulting is just taking up all my time lately to the point that I think I missed completely the last major awards event (for shame!).  But it's my favorite time of year, and I'm excited to dish some dirt and throw some shade in the general direction of these ladies.  

Join me?

 Amy Adams
What in holy hell is happening?  Is that mustard yellow under black gauze?  Is that a John Travolta collar straight out of Saturday Night Fever?  Ugh.  The cut of the bodice makes it look like a nightgown and the lack of lippy makes her look like a corpse.  Someone get this woman some help.  She needs it.

 Angela Bassett
Who put this woman in an outfit that covers her most amazing feature (i.e. her biceps)?  Someone out there has some explaining to do.  Yes, the color is glorious and yes, the cape/train is fun and dramatic but damn there's this thing called a dry-cleaner and they'll HEM YOUR PANTS, all you have to do is ASK.

 Alex Borstein
This woman can do no wrong.  Okay, so the giant AB on her shoulder is thismuch too Laverne and Shirley for me but the color, the old Hollywood glam, the's all pretty wonderful.

 Amy Poehler
I mean.  Where to start?  HEM YOUR PANTS!  Ladies, if you insist on wearing pants to events where a dress is the obvious choice, the least you can do is hem them so that you don't look like a very short clown on coffee can stilts.

 Amy Sedaris
Adorable.  So mod and fun.  She's not taking anything or anyone, including herself, too seriously and it's delightful.

Busy Phillips
I literally just fell asleep trying to think of something to say about this. 

 Christina Applegate
Ten points to the first woman I've seen to be wearing lipstick.  Minus ten for this terrible, terrible gown.  It's like it couldn't decide what to be when it grew up so it opted for multiple necklines, sleeves and bodice cuts.

 Clea Duval
Okay, now this.  THIS is how you wear pants to an awards event.  Now, you know this is not my first choice but look how great the fit is?  She looks sleek and polished and genuinely comfortable.  Love it.

 Catherine O'Hara
I love her and I love Schitt's Creek so I'm going to just ignore how boring this is.

 Catherine Zeta-Jones
Great color, very fun, lots of drama.  Maybe a TINY bit too ice-dancer-y up top but why quibble?

 D'Arcy Carden
LOVE this.  The only thing that would have made this better is if she'd worn an actual color.

 Emilia Clarke
It's like she wore a jumper with nothing underneath and maybe this is the parent that lives deep inside me but I want to take her aside and ask if she's cold while simultaneously handing her a sweater.

 Gwendolyn Christie
Do you think she thought it was a costume party so she decided to show up as Jesus?

 Isla Fisher
Nice.  Very nice.  Also, lipstick!

 Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Also nice, just with no lipstick.

 Kristin Bell
I could maybe get behind this whackadoo dress if she were wearing lippy.  But no.  I reject this.

 Lena Headey
Do you think she had a convo with her stylist where she was like, "No, everyone hates me, we need to go soft this time.  But like, not too soft, let's add some really aggressive black ribbons so people still keep their distance."?

 Laura Linney
So, at first I was really not down with this.  But you can actually see the toes of her shoes which shows effort, at least on the part of her stylist.  And the top is so different and fun and dramatic.  I'm good.

 Maisie Williams
Looks like she's channeling early Madonna with a little old Hollywood glam thrown in for sophistication.  Love this.

 Maya Rudolph
It looks like she's just realized what she's wearing and is having VERY. BIG. SECOND. THOUGHTS.

 Marissa Tomei
I like this a lot but the lack of structure at her right shoulder is making me a little iffy. Also, I don't love dresses that have so many colors competing for my attention.  It would have been so much more dramatic to be just red, or just fuchsia.

 Michele Williams
Now that is some very fancy wallpaper.

 Natasha Lyonne
Looks like someone's been watching Dynasty lately, huh?  That power bow could take an eye out. 

 Naomi Watts
There's so much happening here.  What's with the little swath of fabric above the bodice?  What's with the belt and why doesn't it fit better?

 Patricia Clarkson
I love her so much and this is fun.  The color is good, the beads are dramatic, as are the sleeves and she wore lippy and overall I think she looks pretty great.

 Phoebe Waller-Bridge
Okay, this looked a LOT better on tv than it does here.  And I adore her show (please go watch Fleabag, you will thank me).  So I'm rolling with it.

 Rachel Brosnahan
Mrs. Maisel herself, ladies and gents.  Great dress, I think.  It's a teensy bit too shiny and kind of reminds me of a really structured garbage bag but mostly I think she looks really good.

 Regina King
Wow do I love this color on her.  What I don't love is the cut - are you a halter or are you straps?  Because both make it look like she decided to wear a bra underneath and it's no bueno.

 Robin Wright
She looks like a Greek goddess which maybe was the point.  Her role in Wonder Woman was a while back but I prefer to think of her as a warrior amazonian than the last man standing on that HBO show about politics.  What was it called again?  Ugh, whatever.  She's pretty but I wish she'd worn lippy.

 Sandra Oh
She looks really good but I feel like the color of this dress is doing nothing for her. 

 Sophie Turner
Wow, she looks incredible.  This fits and it's a great color on her. 


Zoe Kazan
I mean.  Even she looks like she knows it was a huge mistake.  You already know I hate me some bows but this is just beyond the pale.  It reminds me of the dress the fairies made for Briar Rose in the Disney cartoon Sleeping Beauty.  I be the people sitting on either side of her all night were PISSED.


 Viola Davis
Once again, this woman is killing me. I love this. Apparently, I DO like a two-tone dress, I just needed to be shown the right one.  The jewelry is perfect, her hair and make up are awesome (lippy!) and she looks absolutely stunning.

And so that's all folks!  If adulting doesn't get too taxing I hope to see you on the flip side and dish a little about the Oscars.  Keep your fingers crossed!  In the mean time, do yourself a favor and get your pants hemmed.

Tuesday, January 08, 2019

Globe Slam 2019

How is it possible that the Globes are happening?  It was JUST Christmas.  

Right, well, ready?  Here we go!

Amy Adams
I like this.  The color is good against her skin and her hair and jewelry are understated and nice. If only she were wearing lipstick.

Alex Borstein
Talk about bringing the old Hollywood glam.  The color is fab, the jewels are perfect, her hair is classic and fabulous.  She's running laps around Rachel Brosnahan.

Allison Brie
What is God's holy name is this?  Allison, your dress is missing the top half.

Anne Hathaway
I hate this is so much.  Honestly, I guess I get the bottom but what is happening up top?  What kind of shiny, metal leopard died to make this dress? It's hideous.

Allison Janney
Wow.  This is gorgeous.  The color, the drapery, the bling, the softness of her hair.  Again, if only she were wearing lippy.

Alyssa Milano
Someone somewhere is missing some very fancy wallpaper.

Connie Britton
Wait, did I just fall asleep?  I did.  Sorry.

Claire Foy
Honey, they gave you the raise you deserved.  You could have spent a little of it on a decent dress.

Charlize Theron
Is that a gigantic neck bow?  Hard pass. 

Catherine Zeta-Jones
First, is it just me or has she had a TEENSY bit of eye-work done?  She's so squinty she's starting to look like Nicole Kidman.  The dress is good if a bit overly-structured.  I like the color and in theory I like the swooshes everywhere but I worry she's going to turn her head suddenly and lose an eye.

D'Arcy Carden
Better known as Janet from the Good Place (if you're not already watching you're missing out) who seems to be wearing the weirdest horizontal seams I've ever seen.  It's looks wrinkled but I know it's not, but I can't get past it.  Better luck next time, D'Arcy.

Danai Gurira
Like Alyssa Milano this print is a bit too close to wallpaper for my liking, though I do appreciate the shoulder bow and sweep of fabric down her back.

Emmy Rossum
Okay, remember all those times we said it was bad to wear a color that was too close to your own skin tone?  Remember?  Emmy?  No?  I'm shocked and you're washed out to the point of being almost transparent.

Emily Blunt
She decided to wear a giant lace tablecloth.  Interesting.

Elisabeth Moss
Okay, this is usually something I would hate but it's actually kind of cute so as long as she can sit down it without accidentally giving up the goodies I'm fine with it.  I really wish she'd go back to a darker hair color, though, and maybe WEAR SOME LIPSTICK TO AN AWARDS SHOW.

Elizabeth Perkins
What fresh hell is this?  A high waisted, long-sleeved, puff-shouldered, sequined jump suit?  I'm afraid if I try to speak I might barf in my mouth. 

Emma Stone
Wow, a neutral mermaid.  How...awful.  Emma, please see above my notes to Emmy about skin color and dress color.

Felicity Huffman
The exception that proves the rule?  Or are the colors just far enough away that it works?  Regardless, she looks amazing.

Glenn Close
She's dressed as the nanny of all of our nightmares.  Mary Poppins's Revenge.  Don't fall asleep, children.

Halle Berry
There's just too much here.  The cut is actually pretty nice, but I can't see it because the horizontal stripes are awful, the color is awful, and again NO LIPPY?  Why is Hollywood so mean?

Heidi Klum
Looks like Heidi and Allison Brie are having the same problem - someone forgot to put on the top of their dress!

Isla Fisher
Wow, I hate this so much I'm not sure where to start.  The cut and fit are fine, but the color is just terrible and add to that the stripes?  No.  Just, please, no.

Jameela Jamil
Arguably the funniest character on TV right now, wearing something absolutely gorgeous. I love the color, I love the fit, I love the little appliques of design on the skirting and I love the folds of the skirt.  She looks amazing.

Jessica Chastain
Are they just messing with us?  Do you think they think this looks good?  The nicest thing I can say is that at least she's wearing lipstick.

Jodie Comer
She looks like she's going to a REALLY fancy funeral.

Jamie Lee Curtis
One word: LIPSTICK.  She looks pretty fierce all the way around until you get to her face and it all kind of blends together.

Judith Light
See my notes to Jamie Lee Curtis above.  Also, would it kill you to stop vamping for a second?  Maybe it's because I live in Jersey so I get her headshot (which is exactly this pose above) at least once a week in my mailbox promoting whatever play she's in and I just can't look at it anymore.

Julianne Moore
This makes my head hurt.  The color is washing her out and I can't tell from this pic but it doesn't seem to be a very flattering cut so while I adore Ms. Moore I need to pass on this.

Julia Roberts
Remember back when she had dark hair and wore lipstick and was considered to be the most beautiful woman in the world?  I will never understand the obsession with changing your appearance for the worse.  She (and Elisabeth Moss and many others) looks better as a red head or a brunette.  Why mess with that?  Okay, rant over.  Can we talk about her pants?  Or her butt-cape?  Or her bodice which is a TERRIBLE color?  No?  Good call.

Kristen Bell
Another pitch for The Good Place (you really need to watch it) while I nod with approval at this ensemble.  The color is good, just far enough away from her skin to make it work, the cut is great, it fits, there are no wrinkles, and her hair and jewelry are all on point.  She's even wearing lippy.  Be still my heart.

Keri Russell
I want to like this so much.  The skirt is fine, it's a standard column, but the bodice seems to have way too much excess fabric and the shoulders seem to be missing some serious Dynasty-level shoulder padding. 

Laura Dern
Oh, come ON.  You are messing with me, aren't you?  I can see your giant granny panties through the dress.  Which is distracting me from also being able to see your bra.  This is like if an Amish woman decided to give see-through clothes a try.  No one wants to see this.

Lili Reinhart
Lili!  What did I just tell Laura?  See above for your chastisement.

Lucy Liu
Christ on a bike, what is this?  Ugly wallpaper paired with a sheer cape?  Who told you this would be okay.  Do not trust them ever again.

Melissa McCarthy
This is just about perfect if you get rid of the stars.  She looks like a Harry Potter extra.  All-over sequins would have been fine but this is just weird and a little juvenile.

Nicole Kidman
I'm sorry but she looks like she's wearing a latex dress and I'm not okay with it.

Olivia Coleman
Easily one of my all-time favorite actresses ever, which is why it makes me so sad that she took a perfectly wonderful dress and added silver netting down the arms and up the shoulders.  What and why?

Octavia Spencer
Wow, I love this so much.  The off-the-shoulder cut is delicate and feminine as is the throw-back skirt.  She looks wonderful.
Patricia Clarkson
I love her so I want to love this but I just...cannot.  The hombre colors are off, the bodice is weirdly deconstructed and I'm sorry but her hair looks a little messy.

Rachel Brosnahan
Yellow is a really difficult color to pull off, as Rachel is demonstrating above.  I wonder if she had a heads up on what Alex Borstein was wearing and decided to go low-key as a solid. 

Regina King
Gorgeous.  It fits her like a glove, the fabric is luxurious and while I don't LOVE the cut of the bodice, this gets a solid 8 out of 10 in my book.

Rosamund Pike
First of all, put it on or take it off, as my grandma would say.  If your cold wear it, if you're not, lose it.  Second, there is so much about this that I hate it's hard to know where to start.  The skirting is not quite a mermaid but too low to be normal.  It cuts her in a weird place.  Second, what is up with women leaving their top part of their dresses at home this year?

Rachel Weisz
I love her too much to say anything except, NO.  And also, puffy shirts aren't a thing for a reason, Rach.

Saoirse Ronan
This looks really heavy.  Other than that I'm mostly fine with it, if a little bored.

Sandra Oh
This is crazy good.  The color is perfect against her skin and she's wearing white without looking like a bride.  I love it.  Also, hair and make up are ON!

Taraji P. Henson
I'm not loving the cut of this, I'll be honest.  I'm super worried the double sided tape won't hold and the wardrobe malfunction will be epic.  Other than that, she looks fierce and she's wearing black velvet.

Thandie Newton
I can't help it, I'm so bored with this.

Yvonne Strahovski
This ice blue is nice but again, a little boring.

And now the moment you've been waiting for


Janelle Monae
Maybe it's because I don't watch much TV or movies anymore and I don't know who this is but NO.  Just, absolutely not, no, please, never, ever, no.


Lupita Nyong'o
Okay, wow.  Loving this color, loving the beads, loving her make up and her jewelry and those shoulders.  She's not wearing a necklace for all the right reasons.  Sometimes your clavicle is all the jewelry you need. 

And that's it, lovies!  Welcome to awards season, there'll be more where this came from, just hang tight and never forget to add lippy to your look!