Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Globe Slam 2007

The Golden Globes have been and gone leaving us to concentrate on the next important thing: Oscar Dresses. Seriously, do you know who won last night? I tuned in for about five minutes and saw Justin Timberlake steal George Clooney's joke, get no laughs, then be escorted off the stage because Prince knows awards shows are crap.

But, if there's one thing in this world that makes sense to me, it's fashion, so let's have at it. Starting with worst of the night we have:

Vanessa Williams. What in holy hell is this thing? Is that a fur stole? Over a dress made out of netting? The fur, combined with the hair, makes her look like a king cobra getting ready to strike. Maybe she's letting us know that she is someone to be feared? I think her stylist kind of hates her.

And here are the Olsen Twins, Mary Kate looking like a child bride who's been dead for two days, and Ashley in a dress originally designed for the Bride of Frankenstein.

Beyonce Knowles, could you be more obvious, please? We know, okay? You're hot. We get it. Stop beating us over the head with it.

Cameron, honey, this is not going to bring SexyBack. J.T. is gone and that's just something you have to get used to. Making a fool of yourself isn't going to help matters.

Are these two the ghoul sisters or what? Patricia isn't so bad, but that hair! And Rosanna, I love your hair, but the dress is just...so bad.

And speaking of Arquettes, Courteney this is so bad you should get booted off TV just wearing it. No, really. God awful might be too nice.

There is so much I hate about this dress. What is up with the lace this year, huh? Cate, seriously, I'm hating it as much as I'm hating your bare legs. The shoes are okay, but the legs? And the belt? Make it stop.

More lace equals more badness. I love The Office, but I hate Jenna's dress.

One word: yuck.

Now that we have the worst out of the way, let's move on the dresses that were without color, because there were quite a few.

I like this dress okay, but Tina Fey looks uncomfortable, don't you think? Like she wants to put a sweater on to cover up some of that cleavage.

Elizabeth Perkins. Very weird dress. It's like she's trying to be as black as she can possibly be. At least she looks comfortable in her plunging neckline. Overall, it's not my cup of tea, but at least it fits her and doesn't make me want to rip out my eyes.

Penelope Cruz. This I kind of hate, but not enough to put her on the worst-dressed list. It looks like a cross between Nelly Olsen's funeral dress and Miss Kitty's best bodice for slutting it up. The ruffles are just ew.
What can I say about Maggie Gyllenhaal's dress? Only that even she doesn't seem to like it. And who could blame her? So she hasn't lost the baby weight yet, who cares? God made empire waist dresses for a reason, Mags. Look into them.

This dress looks as bad as that new movie Hilary is in. Bows? What are you doing with bows on your dress, Hil? Are you seven? I didn't think so. I love your hair and the flower is great, but BOWS?!

This is actually okay, if it weren't so freaking boring. I like the asymetry of the shoulders and the little belt actually adds a little something. The hem isn't too long and the accessories are all really good. Also, her hair looks really natural and pretty. I know that at the last awards show she showed up in gray and got slammed because the dress was awful, but I was hoping for a little color this time around. Come on, Kyra, you're better than this.

You know who's not better than this, though? Teri Hatcher. Not only was this dress not a shock, but it was a relief. She's looking like forty miles of bad road lately, so good for her. She put on a dress and got out of the house. Good. For. Her.

I could almost get behind this dress if it weren't for the BRAIDS in her HAIR. I mean, what is she freaking Heidi? Are you living with your grandfather, Sienna? Up on a mountain? With Peter the goatherd? Okay, yeah. I know. But seriously. Be reasonable.

Is it me, or does Jennifer Garner look shell-shocked every time someone takes a picture of her. Perhaps she's still shocked to find herself married Ben Affleck and the mother of his child. Sorry, Jen, but the truth hurts. So does your dress, by the way. Is that like ten pounds of sequins? Because if you have to carry around that kind of weight (not unlike a certain Ben-shaped Albatross that hangs around your neck) at least make sure the dress fits! What is that waistline? It's bad. Also, it's called a comb. You run it through your hair before you go out. Or at least, most people do.

Little Hayden. This could be so totally cute, except her hair and the gold belt make her look like some kind of She-Ra Master of the Universe character, which, I know, was probably the point, but still.

Emily Blunt is someone I don't know very well. She was in The Devil Wears Prada and some other stuff. I'm undecided about this. It looks like someone added some length to a perfectly good dress that maybe would have been slightly on the tight side. Also, you're at a Hollywood awards event, you could look a little happy.

Talk about not having any color and not looking at all happy. Could Brad be more miserable? Could Angie be more stonily beautiful? Could her dress be less interesting? Could the bags under Brad's eyes be bigger? I think not.

This is really tough. I have always loved Kate Winslet and usually love what she wears but this year...eh. I feel like she's phoning it in.

This, too, is hard because I have loved Sarah Paulson since she did that ill-fated NBC sitcom called "Having Faith" or "Losing Faith" of "Leap of Faith", or something like that. You can see how memorable it was. And then she played a great badass on Deadwood and now she's getting character assasignated each week thanks to Aaron Sorkin. So you know I want good things for her, but this? Is exactly like Kate Winslet's dress. EXACTLY. Okay, maybe not exactly, but close enough. So sad.

And not that I've ever been a huge fan of Drew Barrymore's but this? Looks exactly like Kate Winslet and Sarah Paulson's dress. Don't these women have any imagination?

Ali Larter looks like a goddess in this, but the neckline is a teensy bit too big for me. It crossed the line between starlet and strumpet when it reached her sternum.

And now for the women who are wearing color. God bless 'em.

Toni Colette is first because while it's blue you'll note that it's the SAME as the previous three. the same. People need some new stylists, am I right?

Here's Rene in emerald green looking dare I say quite fetching. Probably it's Caroline Herrera, since that all Rene wears. I really like it, but it's also really safe. She never changes the style or the designer. It's always a strapless Caroline. Imagination, Rene. Get some.

And here's Reese Witherspoon looking like she's about to hit my high school prom. Seriously. No, seriously. Reese. You're both wealthy and creative, surely you could have come up with something better than this.

Rachel. You know I love you. I know you know I love you. But this? It isn't you. Remember when you were nine months pregnant and you made a maternity gown look like the hottest shit there ever was? Why am I longing for those days of yore? This looks like the bodice is elastic for heaven's sake.

Naomi Watts. I don't even know what to think of this except you can practically see her fingers itching to hike it up. The color is okay, but what the hell is appliqued all over this? And why aren't there straps? When you don't have the muscle to hold up a dress, you need straps, okay? That's a law of physics or something.

I really want to like this dress. Julia is so pretty and she wants so badly for her sitcom to have a good second season. But...I'm just not feeling it. It's just okay.

This is barely a color, but I put it here because it's not as bad as the colorless blobs up above. If only Jessica Biel didn't look so pissed off. Perhaps it's the weight of the dress, for it too, like Jen Garner's frock, looks heavy.

And now, the moment you've all been waiting for. Best Dressed. It's a tie for everyone from here down:

America Ferrara. This is an impressive showing her her first major awards show. The color is beautiful on her and the design and cut of the fit accentuates her curves, rather than points them out to her detriment (Maggie Gyllenhaal). Her hair is soft and not overly styled and she has just a little bit of jewelry on. Good job.

The next Mrs. Nick Lachey if rumors are to be believed is looking smokin'. Everything about this works from the color to the length to the train to the cut to the hair, everything. I love it.

You might be wondering why Salma isn't up with the rest of theh colorless blobs. The reason is that Salma's dress is so gorgeous it doesn't deserve to be up there. The folds of fabric wrap her body like nothing I've ever seen. Whoever fitted the dress to her must be a fan because she looks incredible.

This is impressive. Usually Sheryl Crow arrives looking like the redheaded step child no one wants to admit to inviting. Who can forget the dress with the belly button cutout ringed with white fur? (I have a sneaking suspicion that that's really why Lance left, but you know whatever.) This is fabulous. Great color, great cut, great lenth, great accessories.

Okay, clearly Ellen reads this site. She saw what I said about her when she wore her demon dress to the Emmy's and she saw my birthday post for Sandra Oh and decided that the best way to get on my good side was to recreate that great dress of Oh's from last year's Globes. She hasn't done a bad job of it, really. She doesn't look like Elvira anymore and while you can see way too much nipple through the lining I'd say it is a marked improvement and definitely worthy of the best-dressed list. Hi, Ellen!

I have always loved Jada, too, and she's usually right on target with her clothes, but not always. Here, though, she's right on the money. The color is perfect for her skin tone, the length is great with a little mermaid swoosh at the bottom, her makeup is a bit too understated, but her accessories are great. Excellent job.

Well, that's it until the Oscars. I hope you watch because I sure as hell won't know who's won.

Ciao, baby! And, Ellen, call me!

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