Monday, February 26, 2007

Oscar Slam 2007

Here it is, folks, that time of year again: Oscar time. Now, I know I said I wouldn't report on who actually won, but if you absolutely have to know, you can find out here. And now that that's taken care of, let the ripping begin.

As always, lets start with the worst of the night. Thankfully, there weren't many that fell into that category, but the ones that did REALLY did:

One word: yuck! What is this color? What are the criss-cross fabric swatches across your chest? Why would you wear this on purpose? And the hair? Are we at a slumber party? You couldn't curl it or do SOMETHING with it? I think motherhood has made Fishsticks crazy.

Bows on your dress, Anne Hathaway, bows on your dress! Either you're trying to recapture the magic of Bahbrah's Oscar pantsuit (in which case shame on you, that was awful) or you're simply...stupid? The victim of bad advice? Hopeful that bows would have made a comeback by the time these pictures hit the Internet this morning? I just don't know what to say to you.

There are so many things wrong with this, but first, the basics. Maggie, they are called "control top" and you can get them at any supermarket in the world. We get that you just had a baby, but this a formal occasion and you could made a LITTLE effort. Also? One should always practice sitting in each dress that you try on for a formal occasion otherwise you end up with creases across your non-control topped gut. The bodice and strap are okay, and the hem is nice, but everything in between is just awful.

Okay, who the HELL invited Jessica Biel to this thing? I didn't realize that being on a crappy, judgmental WB show, then posing for risque photos to get kicked off the crappy show and then doing a number of crappy movies was enough to get yourself invited to the Oscars. Go figure. At least she's sticking with what she knows and has donned a crappy dress complete with an awkward right-out-of-the-eighties black belt. I'm a little shocked that she doesn't have a pair of oversized black plastic earrings to match.

The Travoltas out for a night at the Oscars. A bold move on Kelly's part to wear an animal print. Too bad the dress is hijacking her boldness by being badly cut and accentuating a gut that looks to rival John's in girth. Again, control top, ladies. You spend thousands of dollars on a dress and then throw caution to the wind when it comes of undergarments. Why?

Okay, this might come as a shock so some of you since I don't think I've ever featured a man on these slam posts (unless, as above, they have been paired with women), but I just couldn't help it.

Is it me or is Spike Lee starting to look like a total dandy? The polka-dot neckerchief, the beret and the glasses combined with the meticulously groomed facial hair and white suit make me think of some southern gentleman who's a bit too friendly with the neighborhood boys, if you know what I mean, and I think you do.

Okay, George Lucas needs to grow out that beard or lose some weight because that is the biggest freaking jowl I've ever seen in Hollywood. I can't believe they let him cross the border with that thing. It looks like it's ready to attack San Fransisco.

So, like I said, there weren't that many fugcicles to be found last night. There was, however, a ton of mediocrity.

I almost put this in with the worst-dressed because my gut reaction is to hate it. But, it's sort of growing on me, you know? Still, there's too much going on. Does she think she's Ginger Rogers, for heaven's sake? The feathers, the sequins, the funky collar, the sleeves, the shoulders, there's so much to look that it gives me a headache.

Again, I almost put this into the worst-dressed category, but it's sort of growing on me. But, please, please, will designers stop adding pockets to couture? I hate that! And the silver jacket just distracts me from the pretty lines of the dress. The bodice, what little of it I can see, is beautifully done and losing the jacket to show it off a bit more would have been a good idea.

Based on this picture alone I wanted to put my good friend Rachel Weisz onto the best dressed list, but alas, I cannot lie to you, dear reader. Or, rather, you would have seen the rest of the picture somewhere and then you would have known that I lied. From the waist up she is simply divine. The fabric is smooth and glossy, the jewels are perfect with her skin and her hair is soft, not overly done, but clearly it's something special for the occasion. And then, you see what she looks like from the waist down:

The waist of this dress makes her hips look ginormous! And the lumps, everywhere there are lumps! One right in the middle of her stomach! Instead of flowing lines we have the Pillsbury Doughboy. My God, her thighs look huge! Let this be a lesson to us all: never choose a dress based solely on how it looks from the waist up or the waist down.

The Smith family looks very nice tonight and little Jayden is adorable with this dreads, but Jada, my love, what is up with all the lines and seams in your bodice? You guys would have made it onto the best-dressed list if it weren't for those lines. It's like someone tried to trace your pec muscles onto the dress before you left the house. Bad call by you, Jada. Bad call.

BFFs Nicole Kidman and Naomi Watts walking the red carpet without their respective husbands, druggie Keith Urban and hirsute actor cum director Liev Schreiber. Nicole looks cold and beautiful and thin, painfully thin, and Naomi looks very pretty and glowing with pregnancy, but in another dress that makes me want to help her out by hiking up the bodice. Nicole, put on some weight and stop with the botox, already. Naomi, pick a dress with straps next time; the doublestick tape isn't cutting it anymore.

J. Lo. looks pretty effing good. I've never really like her much so I can say that without any false love. The only thing is that her arm candy is her husband, Skeletor, so that pretty much means that she won't be making best-dressed anytime soon.


Cameron Diaz, stop with the white already. You're not going to get J.T. back by showing him what you'd look like as a blushing bride. This is a very cool dress that would have been cooler in red, or blue, or dark green. White is just working for me. Also? Comb your hair, please.

This reminds me of the seafoam green dress Charlize Theron wore a few years back. I said it looked like a toilet paper cover then, and I still think it looks like a toilet paper cover. The bodice is boring, very similar to a lot of the stuff we saw at the Globes, and the skirt is very flouncy. Not horrible, but nothing to get very excited over, either.

Okay, the moment you've all been waiting for, or, skipping ahead to get to, the Best Dressed of the Night, in no particular order.

Cate Blanchett was stunning in this one-shouldered Swarovski crystal dress. Absolutely stunning. With her hair pulled back and the dress looking amazing it's like she's stepped right out of Old Hollywood. Her jewelry is understated but lovely and her skin is luminous. Well played, Cate, well played indeed.

Fresh on the heels of separation from Ryan "I am such an idiot" Phillippe, Reese Witherspoon shows up at the biggest shin-dig of the year looking like a total badass. This dress is rocking my world and I don't care who knows it. Unlike other strapless gowns there is no fear that this one will be falling down anytime soon, she's wearing it like there's no tomorrow. Eat your heart out, Jackass, we're doing just fine on our own.

Usually I'm not a huge fan of green at awards shows, but this I have to make an exception for. The cut and lines of the gown are simply beautiful. The way if falls over her shoulder and down her body are perfect. Great choice, Kate Winslet. Great hair, great jewelry, great everything.

Jodie Foster is looking smoking hot in this smoky blue possibly chiffon gown. The only thing I'd do a bit different is her hair. It's not bad, but it's distracting me and when looking at a dress like this I don't want to be distracted.

And, yeah, I know I said these were posted in no particular order but the hell with that. Helen Mirren gets Best-Dressed. She just does. The woman is a vision in pale gold lace with a sweeping neckline and three-quarter sleeves. The skirt is nicely swishy as skirts should be at the Oscars and her jewelery is lovely. She wins. End of story.

And now, for a couple of pics from the winners circle:

Forrest Whitaker, Jennifer Hudson, Helen Mirren, and Alan Arkin all holding up their Oscars, looking smashing (Jennifer changed into something that looks ten times better than what she walked down the red carpet in).

And Marty Scorsese, practically tearful with joy as he collects his first ever Oscar. I mean, Jesus, after spending the last seventy years trying, they've finally thrown him a bone - let the man cry.

So that's it, kids. On that up note let's all take a deep breath and thank God that the awards season is over with. Now we can go back to making fun of these jokers when they wear regular clothes.

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