Here it is, folks. The good. The bad. And the just plain ugly.
We'll start, as is traditional, with the ugly, then move to the bad, and finally we'll end with the good.
Specifically, we'll end with the best dressed of the night. Can you even deal with the tension I'm creating? I didn't think so. Let's get started.
The Just Plain Ugly:
Jonah Hill: I got the classy one. I got the classy one.
Seth Rogan: What the hell is she wearing? I said black tie event not serving wench finery. God!
Jonah Hill: Heeeeee.
Seth Rogan: I hate you.
Diablo, honey. It's your first Oscars and I know that you wanted to make a good impression, while not necessarily drawing attention to your exotic dancing roots but if you were shooting for subtle and classy you missed by a mile. On the other hand if you were shooting for leopard print sack dress, then bravo!
Speaking of sack dresses, you know when people say, "She could put on a sack and still look beautiful"? They are NEVER talking about Tilda Swinton when they say that. I guess she either decided that she wants to be taken seriously as an actress and therefore she does not want to be considered "pretty", or she decided that she'd make zero effort.
And here's Mary Ellen and Grandpa Walton. Talk about sack dresses. Even with the cinch around her waist I want to run out and buy her a push-up bra. Or even just a training bra. Something.
Rosemund Pike, I thought you stole the show right out from under Kiera Knightly in "Pride & Pouty". Your dress makes me want to weep, though. In fact, the whole picture makes me want to weep. What happened to your awesome blond hair? Why would you go dark? And what is WRONG with your dress? The over-one-shoulder thing is a bit over-used this year but I'm basically fine with it. It's the wings jutting out from your hips that scare me. Are you trying to accentuate your hips? Because most women choose to go with something slimming. So I just don't really get this. Also, unless you intend to walk to the Oscars, never choose fabric that's going to wrinkle on the way over in the limo. It just looks messy.
I don't really have words for this dress except that from the waist up I really like it. And then from the waist down I want to get a seam ripper and undo all those bustles. As much as I'd hate to reuse a Miss Kitty joke, it looks like she put the aged bad girl's bustle on backwards.
This is a hard one. The dress is fine, if a little boring. What I really can't get into are the strings of Christmas icicles that she's looped around her neck and cleavage. Do you think pregnancy has made Nicole Kidman crazy?
Okay, confession. I love Marion Cotillard. I love that she won best actress for a film about Edith Piaf. But I hate this dress. The first thing I thought when I saw it was, "She looks like a white fish." And then I thought, "Wait, maybe she's going for a white mermaid?" And then I thought, "That's kind of racist." Seriously, though, why would you WANT to put on scales?
I don't even know what to say about this. Julie Christie was SO going to be on the good list until I noticed her weird gloves. Can someone tell me what the hell is going on with these gloves? Does she have a medical condition whereby her arms can't be exposed to air? Are the gloves, as they look, attached to the dress for some reason? I just don't get it. And really, I don't want to get it.
Jennifer Hudson. You're a very pretty girl, but if you don't figure out what to do with your ya-yas, your dresses will keep sabotaging you. I don't even want to talk about what this dress did for your back. The bolero jacket fiasco from last year would have been welcome in comparison.
Poor Ellen Page. I think the other celebs purposely didn't tell her that the Oscars is a time for looking your best. They're totally jealous.
I could almost get behind Diane Lane's dress if it weren't the color of dirt. Also, it doesn't appear to fit her bust very well and as a result she comes off chunky. Diane, why do you want to look like chunky dirt?
And the worst-dressed of the night:
Let's leave aside Daniel Day Lewis's black tux and brown shoes and move straight to his wife who looks to be missing only her makeup to finish off the clown costume. What the hell is wrong with America when this is what passes for fashion at the Oscars?
Okay, the last thing I want to do is pick on a deaf girl, but she's got the same problem that Rosemund Pike had. Her lap looks terrible. Other than that, I'm pretty much on board with Marlee Matlin's gown. The one thing I'm really wondering about, is her watch. Does she have somewhere else to be later on? She couldn't have slipped it into her clutch? I really just don't understand.
Keri Russell. Doing the I-Just-Had-A-Baby-But-Look-At-How-Thin-I-Am Dance. Keri, you just look anorexic, okay? Go have a sandwich.
Shockingly, I have nothing to say about Kelly Preston's dress. It fits her, the color is flattering and she wears it well. Perhaps it's the misshapen and bloated form of John Travolta beside her that makes me cringe when I look at this picture, then. I mean, it must be something.
I can't even begin to tell you how much I hate this. And that hurts because like everyone else on earth I love Kristen Chenowith. But I really hate the netting over the nude fabric. I hate the dropped waist. I hate the massive cleavage that looks, in all honesty, painful. I hate it.
Do you think Vanessa Paradis wakes up on the morning of the Oscars and thinks, "What the hell does it matter anyway what I wear? They're all going to be looking at Johnny. The women, the men, hell the children. They're all going to be looking at him. Screw it then."?
This dress is fine but boring as hell. There's nothing all that interesting about it and the color is kind of dull. I'm bored with this dress and with Jessica Alba and with her stupid, boring pregnancy, and I think it has something to do with her ability to act. Women who can act, like Cate Blanchett, are interesting to watch. Normal women aren't that interesting. Which is why tabloids aren't filled with normal women. If Jessica Alba could act, maybe I could get on board.
Another one-armed bandit. Is it just me or is Hillary Swank stiff as a board? I want to start picking the lint off of her bodice but I get the feeling that she'd snap me like a twig if I tried. Loosen up, Hil, and get a better stylist.
I find this particular dress to be almost tragic. Helen, you won best dressed last year. Remember? You were like a goddess! And now this? I just...I don't know. The color washes out your face. There's a reason why summers aren't supposed to wear deep colors like this. You're much better off with the gold or pastels from year's past. Do me a favor and burn this one, okay? Pretty please?
I'm pretty indifferent to this. Amy Adams is gorgeous. She's chosen a coldly beautiful emerald green strapless gown with a very weird bodice. It's the bust down of this outfit that just seems off to me. I just can't love a dress that cuts so severely.
Does this remind anyone else of the Halloween costume their mothers sewed for them when they were eight? Melora needs a stylist asap.
I like this dress in theory, but Anne Hathaway's gown is so drippy that I want to grab a pair of scissors and start trimming. The big shoulder bouquet is distracting and the whole thing makes me long for Katherine Heigl's much more subtle and elegant frock.
I like this but I find it to be almost snake-like. Not in a bad way, either, just dangerous and funky. You know who called, though? Buddy Holly. He wants his tie back.
Sure, it's a little plain for Amy Ryan's first Oscar outing but it fits, it's a flattering color on her, and she's making up for it by positively glowing with happiness.
Usually I'm a pretty big critic when it comes to Cameron Diaz's awards show couture. In this case though my only complaint is the lap wrinkles, which might not even be lap wrinkles. The top is so interesting to look at, without being overwhelming, and it comes down to that point where the fabric looks scrunched, so that it might be on purpose. I'll give her a pass for this one, and I look forward to seeing what she does next time, too. The one thing I feel the need to press her on is the back-fat spillover going on between her left arm and body. Come on, Cam. You can do better than that.
Cate Blanchett looks beautiful as always, choosing a maternity gown that is not only flattering to her figure, but gorgeous against her skin. Good job, Cate.
Jennifer Garner, owning the red freaking carpet. Ordinarily I'm not a big fan of basic black but Jen is a knockout in this and her jewelry complements it perfectly. Kudos.
Katherine Heigl can be annoying. Let's just agree on that right from the start. She's got a big mouth and she can be annoying. However, girl knows how to wear a dress and we have to give her props for that. Her new coif if awesome, her jewelry is understated and the dress fits her like it was made for her. Full marks.
This very easily could have fallen into the boring category but unlike Nicole Kidman, Laura Linney paired her basic black with a beautiful necklace that's just fancy enough for an event like this, and she looks great.
If anyone knows how to work a strapless Caroline Herrera it's Rene. And she's looking good. I love the design of the gown. I love the slit up the side showing just a little bit of leg. I love that it looks like she's put on a little weight. I love that she's softened her boy haircut. And, what the hell, I love that her jewelry is subtle. I love this. I think she gets Best Dressed.
Overall, the hair this year was kind of sloppy. Instead of full-on glamor hair-dos we had a lot of ponytails and loose curls that lent a decided informal air to the proceedings. Shout-out to the Minnesota Mom for that catch.
Until next year!