Monday, September 22, 2008

Emmy Slam 2008

This being my first day back after vacation and a lot going on this week, I won't have the full slam up until tomorrow at the earliest. That doesn't mean we can't all enjoy a good laugh at Kathy Griffin's hair extensions, though, does it? Not at all. The dress is good. If fits her, it compliments her skin tone, it's not too drippy and she's accessorized well.

What she needs is to take the wig off and stop trying to pretend that she has long, flowing tresses that just aren't freaking there. Or, if she absolutley HAS to pretend, she needs to spend a little and upgrade from the Paris Hilton line of clip-ons.

Just sayin'.


(Two days later)

Welcome once again to the annual Emmy Slam. As always, we're going to separate the good, from the bad and the ugly and hopefully end up with a best-dressed of the night.

First the bad and the ugly:

I don't hate this, but I don't really get the silver strap over just one shoulder. It doesn't really seem to be in relationship with any other part of the dress. It matches the bracelet but...I dunno. I think there's too much going on. Like someone was painting flowers and then got lazy, spilling and sleeping in the goo left behind.

I can't quite put my finger on why I hate this dress. Probably because it looks like it might be hard to breath in it. Also, the way the fring lies above and below the horizontal bands it looks even tighter and more uncomfortable. Also, I'm not in love with the diamond pattern going right down her middle. It's a little obvious, no?

Dear Susan Sarandon, I'm a huge, HUGE fan, but this dress doesn't fit you. Love, Kate

For someone as thin and beautiful as Padma Lakshmi is, I find it incredible that she'd wear something so unflattering. I mean, the color is great and I really like the material, but it might as well be a burlap sack. Disappointing.

Let me preface this by saying I love Mrs. Ari. Sunday's Entourage was great and she was a big part of that greatness. I just wish she'd have let the show's stylist dress her for this too. A white dress is dicey because you can end up looking like you're trying to find the right chapel for your wedding, so you want to choose one that's different and interesting. This one certainly is, just not in a good way.

This I loved, loved, LOVED until I saw the weird faux flower pinned right in the middle of her chest and though, wtf is that? Why can't designers just leave well enough alone? Tsk, tsk, Kate Walsh.

I really want to like this. Laura Dern got totally jilted by a guy named Billy Bob Thornton and as such she deserves a little happiness in this world, but tell me: does she look a little too separated to you? Like in the chest area? Separated? Like her girls are on opposite sides of the world. It just doesn't seem right to me.

This is really pretty great except for the god-awful straps she's got going on. The color works for her and her hair isn't bad, but the straps are just ick.

I totally take back what I wrote about Kathy Griffin. What the hell is a bow doing going around her hips? Everything else about the dress is great! Yes, it DOES look a bit too much like someone's old-fashioned wall paper, but it fits her like a glove and it's flattering to both her chemically enhanced hair and her skin tone. But a BOW? Jesus F. Christ.

Jenna Fischer is a really pretty lady, but she keeps choosing dresses that frump up her body and then she lets her hair hang down over what little of her decolletage there is to see and it's just a mess. This dress is a mess.

I don't really have words for Jennifer Love Hewitt's monstrosity. It's a bit too much to contemplate to be honest. The nicest thing I can say is that it fits her. The meanest thing I can say is that she was either batshit crazy to wear it or she got some really bad advice.

I have very mixed feelings about this. It's like another pillow sack dress. The color is too beige for her skin tone and the horizonal layers just add weight. I get what she was trying to accomplish, but it's just not working.

Debra Messing is difficult for me. I don't think she could act her way out of a paper bag, but I usually don't have a problem with her clothes. This, however, is just wrong. It's all black, so you might not be able to tell that it's - as Henry Higgins would have put it - weeds here, and weeds there, dripping all over the place. Hate it.

Ladies and gents I give you Captain Droopy Drawers. I look at this and I just want to sink my hands in the fabric at her bust and pull -- up! Cyn, you're loosing your dress! Make it stop!

Worst of the night. Eva Longoria Parker. What are you, a Christmas gift? Go put on a big-girl dress and then we'll talk. Seriously, this is just god-awful.

The next set of pics can be broken into two categories: Black, White and Read All Over & Jewel Tones. They are without question universally fabulous.

First, Black, White and Read All Over:

Tina Fey looking sleek and polished. I wish she'd done something else with her hair, but overall, I'm happy. The dress fits perfectly and she wears it really well. She looks a little uncomfortable, but it's not overwhelmingly obvious.

I almost put this on the Worst list. I don't love it, but Rita Wilson wears it well. I guess I wish she had something smoothing on underneath, like a corset or Spanx for your middle. The dress itself is lovely.

I'm not usually a fan of brown dresses, especially on women with brown hair, but this one is really nice. I like the hint of leg under the pseudo slit and it fits really well. She's kept her jewelry understated and subtle and I think overall this works great.

This is a terrible picture, but if you watched the Emmys and saw Sally Field at the mic I think you'd have to agree that this dress is pretty awesome. I love the filmy fabric at her shoulders and the little bit of sparkle. It's not an obvious choice, but I think it was the right one.

I kind of love Sandra Oh in this, but I'm very concerned about the bow at her waist. We're not ten, for the love of god. These aren't Easter dresses with big bows. And, if I may be so bold, if they WERE Easter dresses, the bows would be at the BACK. Seriously, she's ruined a perfectly good dress with this.

I've loved Sarah Paulson a long time and I sort of like this dress. The bodice is really cute with the little vee cut, but the bell skirt makes me think of Gone With The Wind in miniature. I think it would have worked better as an A-line cocktail dress.

I love that Mary Tyler Moore got herself into this dress and is hitting the red carpet. She's so old her show was out of reruns by the time I started watching TV, but she is nailing this dress and it's awesome. Good for her. She's sort of like our country's Helen Mirren.

I know I should hate this. It's so busy, after all. And it looks sort of like a 1950s party dress. Honestly, though, I have to admit that I love it. Lisa Edelstein chose a dress that fits her perfectly, accenting her tiny waist and ankles. Her jewelry is perfect and even the shoes are great. If I could change one thing it would be the tan lines you can just barely see on her shoulders. Other than that, well done, Lisa.

I had to put Lisa Rinna here because I couldn't find anything so wrong with this that it had to go in the worst dressed. It's fine. She wears it well. The silver at the top of her shoulder keeps it from being a full-on wedding gown-ish thing so it's fine. But it's not great in my book. I feel like it's missing something, like personality.

And speaking of silver. Wow. I watched them arrive and while walking down the red carpet one of the announcers saw her with Kevin Bacon and said, "Wow, look at her accessory." And I thought, "How could you NOT look at her accessories? She's bedazzled them!" But they were talking about Kevin, of course, so my bad.

Bow-Use 101. Kristen Chenowith has a dress on that's sleek and fits her well and that has a bow at the top of the dress, not at her waist. Also, the bow appears to be small. Ladies, take note! Very well done, Kristen.

I love that Glenn Close is so cool that she's not even bothering to take off her shades. The dress is great, the wrap is fabulous and her glasses make her look like a total badass. Well-played.

I'm so used to seeing Katee Sakoff in her fatigues on Battlestar Galactica (aka the greatest show ever made (after the Wire)) that I almost didn't recognize her in this gorgeous dress. I think it could fit her around the middle a little better, but the flare at teh back lends just enough drama to make it interesting. Also, look how excited she is to be there! I love it.

Kathleen Robertson is wearing this dress so well. I love how it hangs on her and I love the cleavage. She looks great.

What a difference from last year's red cobra get up. Talk about draping your body in something beautiful. I even love the frou-frou cape. It might be just a TAD long, but other than that, it's really perfect.

Does she look like she's really trying to suck her gut in to anyone else? The dress is great and Hayden is gorgeous, but she doesn't look all that comfortable to me.

The only thing wrong with this dress on Cheryl Hines is how it bunches in the bodice. If it were more form-fitting I think it would be a nicer fit.

Love this on Chandra Wilson. She almost is a bit too Jennifer Hudson at the Oscars with the halter over a heaving bosom, but it's not quite that bad. One question, though: is she carrying a portable radio? How big does a purse need to be?

This also almost landed in the worst pile, but Dana Delaney is wearing it to fiercely that I just couldn't. My biggest problem is the huge, spangled diamond that looks like someone spilled ink all down her front. Maybe it's just me. She looks good, but it could have been better.

The same holds true for America Ferrerra, who usually looks stunning at these things. The length is good and the jewelry is good. The hair isn't bad, but the dress is so big. It seems like there are just inches of fabric piled onto her tiny little bod. Not loving it.

This is pretty good except for the huge drapery cord hanging around her neck. Honestly, what on earth says "necklace" about that thing? Ashley, I know you're from across the water and everything but jeez. Unless it's somehow part of the dress, which...I woudln't really condone that either because it still looks like something you'd pull to open the curtains.

Next are the top three in this category:

Felicity Huffman looks absolutely spot-on in this. It's just simply stunning. She looks amazing and the dress is perfect.

Elizabeth Moss of Mad Men is also looking pretty damn wonderful. The fit is marvelous and the lack of jewelry really allows the eye to take in the beauty of the dress.

I really adore this on Mindy from the Office. It's very old Hollywood and she's kicking ass in it. It's fabulous.

And now for the dresses of color:

This almost landed in the worst pile, too, mainly because of her sagging front. It's a nice color but it's not doing her hips any favors. She's done much better before and I'm disappointed in her overall effort. Teri! This is not time to rest on your laurels!

Mariska had the other yellow dress of note and I must say her's is far and away much better. I don't love the weird sash going around her middle, but I'm willing to live with it.

Tricia Helfer is just stunning in this scarlet, folded dress. The lines are beautiful and she looks amazing.

I'm not sure about this one. It looks like Mary Louise Parker put on a bathing suit and then took a sarong of the same color and wrapped it around her waist. There's nothing really all that interesting about this dress, other than its bright color. I dunno. Maybe my standards are too high.

I love this. Mary Steenburgen looks so wonderful. Usually beige is a very dicey color because you don't want a dress to match your skin tone, but this is just beautiful.

Again, usually beige isn't for the faint-hearted but Marcia Cross is pulling this off nicely. I love the playfulness of the both the bodice and the skirt. Very, very pretty and feminine without being too weedy.

I couldn't think of a reason to put this in the worst list, but I also am not in love with it. Like Hayden, Julia Louis-Dreyfus looks uncomfortable. Like her Spanx are going to burst at any moment so she has to keep sucking it in. Not fun.

Holly Hunter almost got best dressed but I wish to God she'd done something with her hair. This is a formal occassion and her dress is just fabulous, but her hair is stealing the show. Next time, Hol, up-do.

Audra McDonald is lovely in this deep purple gown. It's a little boring, but the train sort of makes up for that. I love it.

I love this color on Brooke Shields but I don't love the floppy, flouncy, flyawayness of the skirt. Too messy, imho.

Speaking of sleak and fabulous, Christina Applegate is crazy beautiful in this. this is what the wallpaper dress from up top SHOULD have looked like. She looks happy and gorgeous.

Best of the night:

Christina Hendricks is a fraking goddess in this emerald green number. The cleavage, the hair, the hips, everything is just pitch-perfect. I feel like she's totally embodying her character on Mad Men: sultry, seductive and smart. I love it so much I'm posting a second picture of her, close up:

Doesn't she look like she could eat you with a spoon if she felt like it? This is who I want to be when I grow up.

That's it, folks. Stop by for anther go-round when the Oscars come to town in a few months. Until then: black is slimming, horizontal stripes are death.



Becky said...

LOVED this post. And loved the My Fair Lady reference. :)

Joy said...

That woman's chest is obscenely large.

Joan said...

You do SUCH a great job as the fashion critic. the stars should consult with you before selecting a dress next time. I do wish MTM had worn sleeves to hide the bones in her arms.

mp said...

You have officially replaced my need to watch E! for the red carpet highlights after any awards show. Thank you!

Da Old Man said...

I know nothing about fashion (obviously, as you've seen how I dress) but even I know some of these things are just so wrong. I am stealing a few pictures for my Saturday blog posts.