That's right friends, it's that time of year again. Time for the Globes Slam, which, for you new-comers is when we slam the pretty ladies of Hollywood for wearing gowns that actually belong on a mannequin at Sears.
And away we go! I've broken the frocks into four categories: non-colors, colors, horrible badness, and awesome.
First, as always, the non-colors:
Angelina Jolie, someone who is arguably considered to be one of the most beautiful women alive on the planet puts on a dress that does nothing - nothing! - for her body. Doesn't she know where her waist is? Why would she artificially create one that looks awful? Was this a night that Shiloh spilled cheeto dust on her first choice so she ended up wearing this because it was clean? Or does her stylist secretly hate her for being superwoman and everything?
Nice showing for Tina Fey, but what's up with the floppy bunny ears bow? Blech!
Here we have almost the same dress but with sequins and no bow. Nicely done, Evan Rachel Wood. But the horizontal layers of ruffles aren't fabulous, are they? No. No, they're not.
Eva Mendes is great. She seems like such a cool, down to earth girl and I really like her work. This dress, though, while pretty is a bit much. Ruffles are one thing. Big flowers attached to clothing is another thing. Combining the two and attaching it to your hip? I wish the execution of this dress were better because I can see what they were going for and it doesn't entirely ruin her figure, it just doesn't work the way it should. Her jewelry is great, though.
Elizabeth Banks is very pretty, but this dress is really pretty boring.
Demi Moore looks great in this, but again, horizontal ruffles in the hip area? Will they never learn?
Debra Messing has very little acting ability, but she really wears a dress well. I wish she'd picked a color this year, though. She almost always chooses black.
I'm a little bored with Jane Krakowski's dress, too. In fact, I was staring at it so long, looking for something to like about it, that I think I' see, under her right armpit the piece of string you would use to put it back on the hangar. Not a good thing to notice.
Shazzam, yo! Once again, Beyonce puts on gold lamee and a huge necklace. Just once, B, try another color, please.
Amanda Seyfried is pretty cool as the Mormon chick in a family of sisterwives on Big Love. She's not so cool here in a dress that could have been better if it had been fitted to her. Does she not have a waist or is it simply hidden under a lump of fabric? Who knows?
I like this. I like it a lot, in fact. America Ferrera looks pretty amazing. But I don't love it. I kind of hate it when people don't wear full-length gowns at these things. It's so pretty but I don't think it's formal enough for an event like the Golden Globes. Maybe for the People's Choice, but not the Globes.
This is very similar to the Anne Hathaway dress down below, and I'll tell you why Amy Adams isn't in the Awesome Category. 1.) It's black. I think black is a very easy color to pull off at these things. It's a very safe color and safe doesn't get you far. 2.) Sequins all over the damn place. Yuk 3.) Her hair is completely in her face, which makes me want to tackle her with a comb and some gel.
Isla Fisher has the same problem that many have this year. Where is her waist? This dress doesn't look to be fitted property. Also it looks like someone spilled a river of gold ink down her front and it's pooled at her feet.
My poor little Hayden is starting to get dimensia very early in life. This looks exactly like the dress she wore last year. Seriously, take a chance, try a color.
Kristin Scott Thomas, I love you. I don't love this dress, but I also don't hate it. Because the waist line is almost diagonal, it's sort of half-slimming. And the neckline and brooch are so unusual and cool. She looks very at-ease and pretty.
This is great. Salma Hayak is gorgeous and the dress is just beautiful on her. I really just wish she'd chosen it in a color.
Kate Winslet looks amazing in this. My favorite part is the belt with the little bobble of jewelry attached. So pretty! I don't love the bodice as it looks like she's trying to wear the female version of a tuxedo.
Sandra Bullock's dress is great from the waist up, but a little bit much from the waist down. In fact, I kind of hate it from the waist down.
Melissa George is very pretty in this and I love that it's not quite beige, but the big black flower thing at the top is very weird and distracting, don't you think?
Penelope Cruz looks totally pretty but again, also totally boring. What is up with the ladies today? Throw me a bone!
Man, I don't know why I even included Miley Freaking Cyrus in this list. She totally doesn't deserve it. Poptarts aren't wanted, Miley, so beat it. And take your stupid Jennifer Aniston knockoff dress with you.
Rumor Willis has definitely grown up. She's grown so far up that she can choose bad dresses just like the rest of us. The bodice is fine, but I don't like the fabric below the belt (which I hate unless they have a purpose). The knots and weirdness are just bad. Hate it.
Great color on Mary Louise Parker. She looks amazing and it fits her well.
Almost exactly the same color on Jennifer Morrison, still looking great. I love that the bodice isn't sweetheart (Christina Applegate), which makes it seem a little bit more full.
Love the color, love the design, love the fabric. Eva Longoria Parker has finally made me happy.
Sort of like Eva, Christina Applegate has chosen a color that's fabulous, a fabric that's flattering and a design that's okay. The sweetheart neckline just isn't flattering.
This neckline isn't QUITE as sweetheart as Applegates and for that Kyra Sedgewick, I thank you. The color is good, the design is really nice, I'm not a huge fan of superfluous accent pieces (what exactly is that belt holding up?) but she looks really nice.
If there's one thing I don't like about this dress it's the color. Laura Linney is a beautiful woman and I think this pale yellow is a bit too drab for her. Other than that I love the folds and the flowyness of it. The sequined sash perfectly divides the two halves of the dress and defines her waist nicely.
I'm not really sure where to start with Cameron Diaz's horrible badness of a look. The color? Pepto, anyone? Her hair? Did she JUST roll out of bed? The fit? Awful to look at. I don't understand how a beautiful woman can look this awful.
Freida Pinto was in Slumdog Millionaire and she looks pretty much like she is a slumdog millionaire. Don't get me wrong I'm not trying to be mean, but this dress is fug! The color reminds me of vomit and the shape of it is very lumpy-pillow, which trust me isn't a good thing.
And speaking of fug. Rene Zellweger, what the HELL is wrong with you? For YEARS I've been imploring you to try something other than a strapless Caroline Herrera and what do you do? You let Caroline put THIS on your back? Jeez, it's beyond awful. I don't know what's worse: the dress or your face. It looks like you're thinking to yourself, "Yes, little children, go ahead and try to eat my house made out of candy. You'll be in the oven soon! Tee hee!"
Unless Rachel Griffiths is prego again there is no reason for this dress. If she is prego again there is NO reason for the wrinkles!
Glenn Close doesn't look like she'll be boiling anyone's rabbits anytime soon, does she? And it's okay that she got old, but man look at Susan Sarandon who got to wear a bra and pants and still look pretty cool. This isn't flattering and it isn't acceptable.
I wish Jenna Fischer would seriously breakdown and get a stylist because I don't know how many more years I can look at the awful prints she drags up. Between her and Maggie Gyllenhall you'd think it was a 1987 prom.
And speaking of Maggie, here she is in this year's monstrosity. I don't really have anymore to say except 1987 Prom.
I lumped J. Lo in with the horrible badness not because she looks bad, but because she was so annoying during the ceremony "Mama's talking, mama's talking!" she shouted at the audience because they wouldn't pay attention. Perhaps she needs a dress with a neckline down to her belly-button to get the attention she needs. Oh wait, she did that already. Ugh. She's too much work.
What an inventive and playful way to do a strapless dress! I love how the neckline folds up to her collar bones like waves at the beach. Kate Beckinsale looks stunning.
And speaking of collarbones, I love that her collarbone is all the necklace she needs. This is a great dress for Anne Hathaway. It's snug where it should be snug, flowing where it should be flowing, sequined in all the right places. It's utterly fabulous.
This is so unconventional that I think it totally works. Marisa Tomei has done the awards shows and she wants to look nice but also marry her own style with a gown. I think she did a great job.
I love how badass Susan Sarandon looks here. Normally I hate when actresses wear pants (Glenn Close) at events like this. It's a bit too Katharine Hepburn for me. But this is really cool. She looks great.
I don't care who doesn't like it, Drew Barrymore gets best dressed for the night. This color on her was incredible and it fits her like a glove, utterly feminine and goddess-like. Even her hair (which isn't too Marilyn) works for her and with the dress. Even her accent pieces work; choosing a scarlet clutch was brilliant. Love it!