Because there were so many non-colors I either hated or loved, we're going to mix it up a little bit this year and categorize the dresses into three groups: 1.) Awful, 2.) Awesome, 3.) Best In Show. Also to help out any readers who might not be sure whom they're looking at, we are instituting a new policy to add the name of the woman before the critique of her dress.
Without further ado, let's begin with the Awful Dresses:
Eh. I don’t like the gold on the bodice and right hip, and I don’t like that the neckline is asymmetrical. I also don’t like the vertical stripes from her hips down to the right (two words: not slimming). I do like her hair and jewelry, which is something, right?
Hate the color (pepto bismal, anyone?), hate the face the sparkles make on the bodice, and am indifferent to the skirt except that the center panel draping is EVERYWHERE this year and I really hate it.
Evan Rachel Wood
The attack of the falling center panel continues. First on Natalie Portman, now on Evan. I’m not sure I’d hate this dress less if it were a better color or if the bodice didn’t remind me of seashells or if she maybe didn’t look like a corpse.
Let’s leave aside for the moment the color of this dress, which is like blood, and take instead the swath of fabric falling from her bodice to the floor. This center panel of fabric is all the rage and I so wish it weren’t. It’s not flattering to add layers to a body that is supposed to look tiny. Also, I am hating the very Frank Lloyd Wrong lines on the bodice. Bad, bad, bad!
What the hell has this girl done to get an Oscar invite again and again? Not only shouldn’t she be there but what the HELL is she wearing? She’s taken the falling center panel too far and the column skirt looks bent at the bottom. Poorly chosen, poorly executed.
Confession: I totally thought this was Helen Hunt at first and was saying to myself, “Why the hell is Helen Hunt here? Oh, right she won for As Good As It Gets, didn’t she. God, that movie sucked,” when I realized that hey, no, it’s not Helen it’s Bridget Fonda! Looking awful in a sack dress of dismal fabric that she decided to also have a wrap made out of. Yuck.
I love her on Big Love, but I hate her in this dress. The color: ew. The tremendous hip-bow: not flattering. Her hair: should have been up. Get a stylist Amanda.
Another boring dress. What a surprise. She is working a little peekaboo slit up the left side, but that’s the only thing interesting about what she’s wearing. I’m so disappointed. Remember when Ang was a badass and she wore the white tuxedo with no shirt? Or, the silver halter dress that didn’t have a back? I can’t help but remember the golden days of yore when she didn’t have a million kids who distracted her from choosing clothes that were good.
Once again, trying too hard to be an original. If I were standing next to her I’d be worried that I’d get poked in the eye with her wing of fabric. Also, how many bracelets does one woman need? I dig her shoes, but that’s about it.
Black and blue don’t usually work together and in this case I think they really don’t. If the dress had all been that solid blue color I could have gotten on board. Or, all solid blue with the black waistband might have been okay, too. But the appliquéd flowers spilling down to a fully black skirt are not doing anything for me. In fact, they’re kind of turning me off.
Leslie Mann (aka Mrs. Judd Apatow)
I have very little to say about this dress. I don’t think it’s as flattering as she thinks it is. The shine just below her waist isn’t a nice shape and makes me think she accidentally ate something that day (it sounds crazy, I know). Also, it looks heavy. Like it’s made of metal, which maybe it is…
Oh, no. Someone needs to tell Melissa that she left the house in just her bustier and slip. The one that she wore under her wedding gown. I mean, this can’t be what she really meant to wear, can it? It’s … underwear! Even the guy behind her is laughing.
Who invited the ice witch to the party? Seriously, her hair looks unkempt, her bodice is attacking her, and her feet seem to be sprouting weeds. This is not acceptable Oscar attire.
The dress is hideous and her wonder woman gold bangles seem to be working against her not for her, but hell, at least she’s wearing makeup this year.
Why, Reese, why? Are you somehow still in mourning for your marriage to Ryan Phillippe? Or did Jake Gyllenhaal dump you this week and you had to put something on but you just didn’t care what? This is not up to my standards, nor is it up to yours. I’m very disappointed. Also, what is up with you and men with funny last names?
I really, really wanted to like this, but the bodice is killing me and I’ll tell you why. You see the appliquéd sparklies? They’re pretty, right? Why they didn’t continue up all the way amazes me. I don’t like that her boobs are the only thing on the dress that’s just fabric. It looks weird. Like she’s modeling a bikini top but decided to add a skirt for “effect”. Blech.
Oh, how I loved you in Gremlins! And Fast Times At Ridgemont High! I wish I loved you in this dress as much as I loved in those movies. Don’t get me wrong it’s okay. The color works for you and your hair is great. Even the length is really pretty. I like the way your collar bones are displayed by the off-shoulder sleeves. I even like the sleeve length. About the only thing I don’t like is the way the fabric of the bodice comes together at the top of the skirt. It looks messy and unfinished.
Okay, thank God that's over. It was a long, tough road but we made it through. Now, the Awesome Dresses:
Simple, sleek, and understated. The color is a little too tomato for my taste and the wrinkles across her lap aren’t especially flattering, but her hair and jewelry are great. Well done.
I didn’t think I'd like this at first. It’s so neutral, after all. The longer I looked at it, though, the more it grew on me. The sleeve length is great, the color really works for her, the gathering on the left is flattering and the length and train really look good.
I really want to hate this, but I just can’t. I don’t know why. Black and blue are not colors that easily work together (Kate Winslet). I think the only reason they do now is because the blue is sparkly. I like how the bodice material comes down over the black tulle skirt and I like how the belt separates the skirts from the top. The only thing I’m not super in-love with is the necklace she chose. Either something more choker-ish or nothing at all would have been better. Also, her hair is a little too dragon-lady for me.
It can be hard for busty girls to find dresses that work, but a halter is always a good choice. I love how this hangs on her and flows. She chose a color that works great with her skin and her jewelry is just a few accent pieces. For her first Oscar go-round (I think), she looks really great.
Another good showing from Liz Lemon! She seems to finally have figured out what to do with her hair, which is nice. The last few awards shows it’s been either up and fly-away or down and messy. This dress gives her a nice silhouette and the tiny mermaid swish at the bottom works. Also, I love the forties-ness of her sleeves.
Usually I’m not super into the whole one-sleeve thing, but I think she carries it off well. The color is super gorgeous, the fit is just okay and the one strap at the top is kind of pretty. Over all, not a bad job.
Ms. Loren is about a million years old and still bringin’ it, y’all. She’s in great shape and though her dress is a bit poofier than I normally would allow, it’s freaking Sophia Loren so she gets a pass.
Sarah Jessica Parker
I usually hate what Ms. Parker puts on so this was a delightful surprise. The bodice is very feminine as it comes down to overlap the skirt. And the tulle skirt is so pretty. The only thing I don’t like is how painful her boobs appear to be.
Man, it is not easy for a big gal like Queen to find a dress that smoothes out all the curves and looks stunning to boot, but she does it year after year. The color is great, the style is sassy and sparkly and she looks fabulous. Again.
The color is great on her. I love the little gatherings of fabric here and there and I love the peekaboo slit on the left. Nice showing.
And finally, what you've all been waiting for, the Best in Show:
Taraji P. Henson
Girlfriend defies the odds and wears horizontal stripes with great success. I love how the fabric of this dress just lies against her body. It looks very soft and easy and comfortable. Her jewelry isn’t at all understated but it works. She looks so happy and so pretty!
Knowing that she’d be “face-to-face” with her nemesis, Jennifer chose really, really well. The dress rocks the house not only in color but in design as well. Her hair looks great and I’d say she’s pretty much smokin’ hot.
I really like this on her. The color is great and the vertical stripes are actually flattering. I like the little mermaid swish at the bottom. When she was on the red carpet the bodice looked really stiff, like it wasn’t moving with her body so that’s a little disappointing but other than that, she looks great.
Best Dressed: Marisa Tomei
Kicking ass and taking names. This is fabulous. The color looks amazing on her, the bodice fits perfectly, the pleating is so flattering and it’s pooling around her like a silvery body of water that I’d like to take a swim in. Her hair looks great and her jewelry is perfect.
Okay, peeps, that's it! Until next time, may you avoid horizontal stripes, always have good hair days and never buy if it's not a perfect fit.