Greetings! It's that time of year again. Time to laugh and mock and nod thoughtfully at the celebs and what they wear.
Because of some stuff that's going on (closing on house, hectic work schedule) this isn't going to be as detailed as in years past. However, if you'd like to go back and reminisce you can click the tags at the bottom to find other Slams. Unfortunately, due to my insane computer/interwebs illiteracy I accidentally deleted ALL the pictures included in those links. Yeah, I'm a freaking genius over here. So you can either imagine the pictures while reading my witty repartee or you can ignore them altogether. Totally your call.
This year's categories: Spot-On Bangin', Hideous, Older Than Your Years, and Middle of the Road. Before I start sounding too much like Alex Trebek, let's get started!
First, as always, the Hideous:
I think this one's self-explanatory. Because...wow.
Angela Kinsey, aka Angela from The Office in a dress that doesn't do anything for her shape and seems to have been bedazzled over just CERTAIN parts of the bodice. Interesting choice, Angela. Unfortunately, not a good choice.
"I'm walkin' into Spiderwebs. Leave a message and I'll call you baaaaack!" Whoops. Sorry about that. Whenever I look at Kristin Wiig in this dress I want to sing No Doubt's Spiderweb song. I wish I knew why.
Okay, let's start with the bodice, which isn't doing Mindy Kaling any justice. I watch The Office, okay? I know Kelly Kapoor has got it going on. Also the colors...they're just not doing it for me. Next, why on EARTH would you want to EMPHASIZE your hips? Someone explain. Like, now.
Poor Kate Walsh is in the same spot. The dress could have been a lovely column but instead they added layers and now she's pear-shaped. Honey, take a page out of Sandra Oh's book and get it together!
One word: blech. Saggy top, bloated bottom, fingers itching to hike it up to her armpits. So not a good choice. Also, no jewelry, hair is normal, and bag doesn't match or even coordinate. Sarah Silverman, the Emmy's are a pretty big deal okay? Make a freaking effort.
She had me until the giant flowers started attacking my eyes. And her left hip. Why Padma, why? If it hadn't been for the flowers of doom you'd totally be in the Bangin' category.
Mary Louise Parker could also be in the totally Bangin' category if it also weren't for the gigantic bow attached to her hip. What we want are LESS hip-bows, Mary Lou, okay, not more. Capice?
Dear Olivia Wilde, Kristi Yamaguchi called. She wants her ice dancing costume back. And she wants to know why you sewed such a fugly skirt to the bottom of it. Love, the World.
Whew! That wasn't too bad was it? Hideous can be pretty terrifying, I know. Let's press on.
Next, Middle of the Road:
I know that Amy Poehler put this on and though, "wow that gray stripy thing really makes it look like my waste is narrower than it really is. And I just had a baby, so I can use all the help I can get. " Except, no, Amy. It doesn't make your waist look narrower than it is. It makes it look like you HAVE no waist. Also, does the bodice look lopsided to anyone else?
I saw this picture of Alicia Witt and thought, "Yay Lauren Ambrose was at the Emmy's. In a dress that's about as boring as watching paint dry. Well, at least she showed up." And then I realized that it's not Lauren but Alicia and I thought, "Wow she still gets invited to the Emmy's? She hasn't done TV in forever. Too bad she wore such a boring dress. With black finger nails."
I hate to do this but after her stunning debut at last year's Emmy's I'm disappointed. Christina Hendricks is one of the most beautiful women in the freaking world and this is SO Middle of the Road.
Christina Applegate. I love the bottom of this and I hate the top. It's lopsided and sloppy and I know that's how it's supposed to look but I just...I don't like it.
Chloe Sevigny. You crazy, crazy whack-job. Only you would wear polka-dots to the Emmy's. I just wish it had been a little more dramatic and pretty. You look washed out. And that makes me sad.
And speaking of washed out, hi Drew Barrymore! How the hell are you? Did you purposely choose a dress the exact same color as your skin? Were you going for the incognito look? Because the toilet paper holder skirt is kind of giving you again. Just an FYI.
Color: Yuk. Severe cut of bodice: Yuk. Layered and limp skirt: Yuk. Severe hair: Yuk. Boring Jewelry: Yuk. Ginnifer Goodwin what the hell? No, really. Whatthehell!
I so wanted to like this. January Jones is quickly becoming one of my favorite actresses (MadWomen!). The skirt is fine, even pretty, but the Frank Lloyd Wrong Art Deco bodice is just so pointy and uncomfortable looking that No. Just No.
I guess this proves that you can't put a sack on Jane Krakowski and she'll still look beautiful. Because this is doing NOTHING for her. The half waist, one sleeved lopsided mess is close to hideous but not quite. The only thing saving her in this Middle of the Road pile is her hair which is relatively cute.
Fussy and convoluted, hurts my eyes, shoes don't match. That's the stream of conscious that runs through my brain whenever I look at Kyra Sedgewick in this dress. Please make it stop.
Holly Hunter you are so freaking AWESOME. Why would you put on a totally Bangin' dress and then not comb your hair?
Sally Field looks very boring and windblown. Hence Middle of the Road status. I know you can do better than this, Gidget. And I'm disappointed.
Older Than Your Years is a new category and one I had hoped never to have to use. Alas, they are begging for it:
When I look at Elizabeth Moss in this I think "Mamie Eisenhower", and trust me, when you're as young and beautiful as EMoss is that is NOT what you want people to be thinking when they look at you.
Jessica Lange, honey, that is a great color on you but what is up? You're starting to look, dare I say it, haggard. Now, Jess and I go way back. She has a house in Stillwater, MN, just minutes from where I grew up, so there's a history there and I just...I just don't understand. Too much sun? Not enough support? Big Edie playing head-games?
Jeanne Tripplehorn is a very pretty lady, but you'd never know it looking at her in this shapeless blah-dress. Cut at the knee just so that her legs would look exactly like fence posts, not darted or in any other way shaped to her body, and with capped sleeves that just don't look right, I'm starting to wonder what hell she did to her stylist that made her hate her.
Finally, I give you the Spot-on Bangin' Babes of the 09 Emmy's:
Vanessa Williams had some issues last year but this year, lordy, does she look good. The color is great, the length is great, it fits and flares in all the right places and her hair, make up and jewelry are all spot-on. Smokin'.
I know this doesn't look like much on the red carpet, but on stage Tina Fey was BRINGIN' IT. Her hair is finally manageable, swept up but loose and approachable, the basic black is understated but not boring and she looks comfortable. It might not be a ten, but it's definitely a solid eight.
Toni Collette is so one of my all-time faves and this dress is rockin'. The color is great, it fits great, her accessories are great and she looks so happy. Also, I love that the bodice isn't a flat, boring piece of fabric. It's layered but not fussy or bulgy. Great job, Ton.
Sigourney Weaver kills me every single time. This is the woman who does movies about ectoplasm and aliens and then she shows up to awards shows looking like this. The color is right on, it's fitted but not too tight, the one-shouldered strap is almost regal with the little buckle. I freaking love it.
Dear Sandra Oh. I love you! Love, Kate. No seriously, is this not unbelievably beautiful? It's MAYBE a little boring, but the silhouette is just lovely and the little belt accents her waist as opposed to her hips. Her make up is as soft as her hair and really she's just totally beautiful.
No, this isn't a picture of Neil Patrick Harris. I know it looks that way, but it really, really isn't. See the woman behind him, in the silver? With the smokin' bod and amazing cleavage? That's Mrs. Ari from Entourage, married to Ari Gold one of the funniest characters on TV (next to his TV wife, of course). No, I don't know why she doesn't go by Mrs. Gold. She's just always been Mrs. Ari and I hope she always is. Because she's kind of a tertiary character I couldn't find just her so we haven't to settle for this. Thanks, Neil. Mrs. Ari is Spot-On Bangin' (as usual).
Mariska Hagerty. Remember when she played that annoying nurse who wanted to be with Dr. Greene on ER? Lady's come a long freaking way, yo.
Little Kristin Chenowith is totally adorable. Everything fits, her hair is perfect and she looks so happy. If only her awesome show hadn't been CANCELED.
Look it's Meadow Soprano! I remember when we first started watching the Sopranos and I was like, "Why is their daughter named Meadow? That's kind of an annoying name for a kid. Ohhhh, I get it. She's annoying." Not really sure how that fits in here except that I don't find her annoying anymore. Jamie Lynne Seigler is totally beautiful and apparently dating Turtle from Entourage, which means she also has a soft heart. Which is kind of nice. Good for you, Med.
Julia Louis-Dreyfus, looking awesome. I've said it before but I will continue to say it. Color, cut and accessories are all adding up to a great look.
Same for Joley Fisher. The color is great on her, it fits really well and her hair, make up and accessories are all looking fab.
Thank ya, Jesus! Thank ya! Dudes, it looks like Jenna Fischer has answered my prayers and finally either gotten a stylist or started listening to her stylist. Next year I'm going to hope for a little more color but for now, well played, Jenna!
THIS is the dress I wish Sally Field had worn. It's very feminine and Glenn Close is totally killing it. She's looks completely perfect.
Very nice showing from Elizabeth Perkins. Great color, fits well, love the 3/4 sleeves and her gold purse is a very nice contrast.
Debra Messing annoys me because I don't honestly believe that she could act her way out of a paper bag if she had a gun to her head. Still, I cannot fault her for putting on a dress that, while slightly tomato-y, still looks pretty awesome.
Chandra Wilson. I love this. If there were one thing I'd change it would be the points on the bodice but wow does she look good.
Blake Lively also annoys me, and her dress is a tad low cut for me (hello, here's my sternum!) but she looks fantastic so she's gotta have a place here.
Okay, how do you not give props to the woman who's clearly 11 months pregnant and showing up to an awards night looking as stellar as Heidi Klum is looking right there? How?! Best in Show, right here, you guys. I know it might be a cop-out to give the Best-Dressed to Heidi but you GUYS. She's twelve months prego! And she looks HOT. Enough said.
That's it for this year, unless something else pops up and I need to address it. Until we meet again remember the three C's: Color, cut, and couture.