Here we are, folks. The morning after the night before. There were hits, there were misses, there were smokin' hot babes and there were some awful concoctions of haute couture. If you're ready, we'll begin.
I've categorized the gowns into Sack Dresses, Awful Haute, Boobs, and Smokin' Hot. You might have noticed that there's no Black & White category this year. Well, that's mainly because 1. SOOO many people wore black that it would end up being just way too big and 2. MOST of the black and white dresses fell into one of the other categories (i.e. Awful Haute, etc.). So there's no B&W this year. I know you'll deal with it.
So! Let's get the difficult part over with quickly, okay? Like ripping off a band-aid we can get through this if we stay single-minded and don't waffle.
Category 1: Sack Dresses
I really like Tobey Maguire and his wife seems to be really sweet. There's nothing really wrong with this dress except that it fits her like a sack. Also, does anyone else think she looks a little like Barbra Streisand? I don't know what the hell it is but I swear when I saw her I was like, did Babs have a daughter that I don't know about? And did she marry Tobey Maguire when I wasn't looking? The hell?
Julianne Moore, one of the best actresses of this generation, is wearing a sack dress. It's a sack dress with fur trim but dude, it's a SACK dress. Love the earrings and hair, but Julianne you're wearing a SACK. DRESS.
Elisabeth Moss, you're also wearing a sack. I should be grateful that you didn't show up looking like Mamie Eisenhower again but seriously. Everything else is great: the color, your hair, the jewelry. I just wish you weren't wearing a sack.
Category 2: Awful Haute
Chloe Sevigny should almost also be up there with the other sack dresses but this one is fitted enough that it doesn't really qualify. Fortunately (not for her) that means she can kick off the Awful Haute category. Because really this is awful. I can kind of understand what the designer was going for but I think in the end we have to call this a failure.
Drew Barrymore. If only you had ripped off that hip extender (what else could it be?) I'd be happy. Well, and also mabe chosen a better color. What have I said in the past about wearing a color that matches your skin? Repeat after me: It doesn't work.
Felicity Huffman, the domiNOTrix. Heh. See what I did there? I took a word and then put the word "not" in the middle of it to show how badly this isn't working. What? Oh, come on, you try thinking up witty repartee. I think my biggest problem with this dress is the disparity between the collar, which looks hard and the rest of it which looks soft. They don't go together well at all. Now, if the collar had been made out of the same fabric as the rest of the dress I might have been able to get on board, even if the color itself is a bit too close to her skin tone.
January Jones are you wearing an Alice band? I don't like it and I don't like the dress, either. That one weird wing coming off your shoulder is just, well, weird and not flattering and the fabric of the skirt is all wrinkled. It's just not doing you any favors.
Juliana Margulies. I don't have much to say about this except I hate the asymmetrical bodice, I hate the way the skirt is shaping to her legs and I hate that the bodice and the skirt are two different colors. Her hair and jewelry are great, though.
Kate Hudson. This looks awkward and uncomfortable and heavy. It looks like it might hurt her when she sits down. And the platforms she's got on? They look like freaking space boots. Awful.
Jennifer Morrison. Two words: Ugh. Lee. Not sure why on earth she chose this dress. If the camera adds ten pounds, this dress adds another fifteen. Next time, think svelte and pick a color. This beige crap is SO not working for you.
Patricia Arquette. And speaking of picking a color, can I just say one thing? BARF! I'm glad she's got her boobs under control this year but geez. After all these years in Hollywood, you still don't have a stylist? Come on!
Perrey Reeves. This is painful, you guys, because I love Mrs. Ari and she almost never disappoints but this - ugh! This is awful. If it were all black I could live with it but the two colors together I just don't like. It seems boring and out of place at a major awards show.
Maggie Gyllenhall. Every single year I get my hopes up that this will be the year that she surprises me. This will be the year that she pulls it out and shows up in something divine. And every year she dashes my hopes against the rocks of her bad taste. Now, I will give her this: the color is okay and the cut is okay. But the messiness from her hips up is just god-awful. I want it to go directly to jail. I want it to not pass go. I want it to not collect two hundred dollars.
Penelope Cruz. Look, I know that you can get away with horizontal stripes and it doesn't matter and I'm mostly okay with it. What I'm not okay with is your weird, lacy, mess of a bodice. Have you met Maggie Gyllanhaal? Because I'd like to send you both to bodice school if you don't mind.
Category 3: Boobs
I know it's a little unusual to have an entire category devoted to boobs, but this year it was a necessity. Take a look.
Little Anna Paquin of the Piano is all grown up and while I really do like her dress I think the neckline is a bit too plunging for my taste. When I can see your sternum, it's time to rethink the cut.
Fergie doesn't REALLY belong here but I don't have anywhere else to put her. Her dress isn't awful, but it's not smokin' either. Her hair is in her face and she looks like she's working really hard to keep that front up.
Mariah Carey would normally NEVER make it onto this list because I find her to be irrelevant and annoying. But she's here because she was actually in a movie this year. And so were her boobs. In case you weren't sure. When I first saw her on the red carpet my first thought was, "Obvious much?" Which I know doesn't make any sense but compare her with Halle Berry below.
Halle Berry. For some reason, Halle wears dresses like this a lot and for some reason she doesn't look skanky, she looks classy. Why is it that Halle looks classy and Mariah looks obvious. I dunno what the answer is, but I stand by my ... well, my opinion.
Category 4: Smokin Hot
Tea Leoni. I love this. It looks like a beautiful long skirt, one of David's shirts and a string of black pearls. So simple, so subtle, so perfect for a rainy night out.
Sofia Loren. Part of me wants to make another ice-dancing costume joke. Another part of me is reminding me that this is Sofia Loren and I have to be nice. So the nice part of me is saying that she looks pretty smokin' for a gal her age.
Tina Fey. God help, me I absolutely adore this. It's so feminine and lady-like and Mad Men all at the same time. Her hair is great, her jewelry is understated and her shoes are to-die for.
Sigourney Weaver. I don't have much to say about this dress. It's a great color on her, it fits pretty well (though I don't love the cut) and she looks pretty damn good.
Sandra Bullock is rocking this dress. I love how diaphanous the skirt is; almost as if there's nothing there at all. And her hair is great and her accessories are really great. Nice job, Sandy!
Nicole Kidman. I should have put her in the boobs category because of how cold - ahem, COLD - she seemed to be throughout the night. But in the end I kept her here because it's not often that she ends up in the smokin' category. In fact, I think I can only remember one time that it's happened. So this makes two, and for good reason. I love the way this dress is draped. It falls around her body flawlessly. Her hair is dark, which offers a nice contrast and her jewelry is very simple. Love it!
Meryl Streep, in black, and looking stunning. The assymetrical sleeves and neckline look great. I wish the belt buckle were a little smaller but other than that, Ms. Streep doesn't disappoint.
Mo'Nique. These golden folds drape her figure beautifully. She looks delighted and stunning.
Marion Cotilliard. This isn't my taste but I have to give her props for trying something different and hitting it out of the park. This deep green dress gathers at her waist, offers a little peek of lace at her knee, and drapes her neckline. The cups of the bodice seem to be maybe a little uneven but I can live with it.
Lea Michele. For her first major awards show I think she did a pretty darn good job. Everything fits well and her hair looks great and her jewelry is very age appropriate. No complaints.
Lauren Graham. I read somewhere that the silhouette of this dress was a bit unflattering and I guess I can sort of see it, but honestly, I love the color so much (especially in the midst of this sea of black) and I love the bodice so much that I've decided that I don't care. She's gorgeous and I hope her new show on NBC is good because I'll be watching.
Lisa Edelstein. Speaking of gorgeous. I love this. The cut is deep but she's not in the boobs category because...well, you can't really see anything. Her decolletage is simply another facet of the dress, not a glaring neon sign begging for attention. If I had one criticism it would be the flower pin at the bottom of the vee-neckline. It seems a bit young for her. Other than that Lisa is smokin' hot.
Kate Winslet. I feel like this is her new look. Every awards show I've seen her at in the last three to four years she's been in a column gown, to her feet with some kind of interesting straps going on. Google it, I'm sure I'm right. She's beautiful and talented and I'm sure a very nice person, but I'm worried that she's going to fall into that Rene Zellweger rut where you show up at every event wearing something that looks very, very familiar.
Kate Walsh. Now, I know you know that I hate (strong word, yes) dresses that aren't at least tea length (shout-out, Tina Fey!) at an important event, but I have to confess that these next few are the exception to the rule. Kate Walsh kept her look very understated which really let the dress pop. I love that her shoes are Louboutin and you can see the red on the inside of her heal, which matches the dress perfectly.
Kristen Bell. I feel like this is what Kate Hudson was trying to do but failed. White is a tough color to wear at events like this because they can be so bridal, but this one is fantastic. It's so luscious, with the gathers of fabric and the folds and the uneven hem. I really love it and you know how I feel about dresses this short.
Ginnifer Goodwin. One more short dress that I almost forgot about. I love this. The color is so rich and it fits her so well and her haircut is so adorable that I just really, really love it.
Jeanne Tripplehorn. Okay, okay. I owe Jeanne some love after I slammed her last event dress. And honestly, aside from the wonder woman cuffs I really love it. It's maybe a bit too matronly and her hair isn't doing that look any favors, but it fits her, she looks comfortable in it and the open back offers enough sex appeal that I'm pretty okay with this.
Julia Roberts. Ugh. Not loving this. You know, just because you're Julia Roberts doesn't mean you're allowed to put on a shirt-dress from Target and call it a night. I kid, I kid. Julia knows I'm kidding. Really, though, you could have done something with your hair, couldn't you? I know you've got three kids now but Jesus let's not pretend that you don't also have an army of nannies, okay?
Jayma Mays. I really can't let the fact that I love her character, Emma Pillsbury, on Glee influence my opinion on her dress. She could have done a little better. BUT, it could have been a lot worse, okay? I really like the white ribbon on the bodice and the waistline and I also sort of like the spiderwebby stuff going on along the skirt. Happy Halloween?
Jane Krakowski. No complaints from me. It's a great color, it fits her and her hair is really very pretty. I'm a happy camper
Jodie Foster. No complaints here, either. She's showing some leg, she's wearing great jewelry and the bodice is really kind of interesting. Also, I love what she's doing with her hair.
Jennifer Aniston. You know what? I really like Jen. I really hope she's wearing this bangin' dress because she feels great and knows that she looks great. I really hope it's NOT because she's been dating one man-child after another and the only way to keep from crying all day over her impending spinsterhood is because she spends that time working out so because she's in such great shape she might as well put on a bangin' dress and go out and pretend to be Gerard Butler's date. Or something.
Helen Mirren, my hero. This woman is so freaking gorgeous in any color that I'm actually okay with her wearing black. On the red carpet during her interview she said something so cute, too. She called all the umbrellas "brollies". I know! So cute! I'm totally going to start calling them that. Because if I don't, who will. Who WILL?!
Heidi Klum. Not loving this on her. It's a good color and everything but I'm really not loving it. It feels like she's got almost no support going on. I want to do her a favor and lift those shoulder straps up over her shoulders. Still, a bad day for Heidi Klum is still a pretty freaking good day.
Glenn Close. Looking so fantastic I can't even say much else. The dress fits great, it's flattering, the sequins aren't overwhelming...it's really pretty perfect.
Gabourey Sidibe. For her first awards show I'm very impressed. I love this color on her and her jewelry is very fresh and young and her hair looks great. Also, on the red carpet she was so hilarious and down to earth and funny in her interviews. At one point she saw Taylor Lautner walk past and she was all "Team Jacob!"
Emily Blunt & John Krasinski are freaking adorable are they not? I love the dress. It almost breaks my skin tone rule but not quite. I used the word diaphanous with Sandra Bullock's dress and I think I can use it again here. Strapless gowns are hard to pull off (Fergie) but she looks well-supported and genuinely very happy. I love it.
Diane Krueger & Joshua Jackson. I have to be honest I loved her performance in Inglourious Basterds. I'm loving this dress LESS than that performance. It's fine. It fits her it's not overly weedy and she looks very beautiful. I don't like the extra ruffles up top, though, and, call me crazy, I don't like that it's two-tone. It just seems...too busy somehow.
Christina Hendricks. I want to love this so much. It's so buttery and full, and she looks really beautiful in it. I just...I wonder though. The bodice is uneven and I'm wondering if it's me or if that makes other thingd look uneven too. Maybe she's in the wrong category. I don't know. I love that her skin is luminously white. She's not a fake tanner like the rest of Hollywood. She seems so very genuine, you know? Still, it will never compare with that green velvet number she wore a few years ago.
Calista Flockhart...looks like she's been eating! And I actually really love this 20s-inspired shift. It's very simple but it's very her. I like the jewelry she's paired it with and I like her hair.
Cameron Diaz. Nice showing from Cam. I don't love the neckline, but it's a good color on her, her hair is (for once) up and off her face and she looks really good.
Courteney Cox & David Arquette. If she had any lipstick on I wouldn't call this boring, I'd call it conservative. However, her lipstick is, like, beige, so sorry, Courteney. It's kind of boring. Don't get me wrong you still look really beautiful, but I think you could have done better.
Amy Poehler & Will Arnett. After the last awards show I saw her at, this is a huge step up. I really love the color on her and I love her hair. Well, done, Ames!
Anna Kendrick. Again, not bad for her first major awards show. It's maybe a little too weedy at the top but other than that, it's a good color and she looks pretty good.
Amy Adams. I have to say I really love what Amy did here. It's another short dress but at least it's below the knee. The color is fantastic on her and the gold accent pieces are really beautiful. Her hair is sort of in her face but I don't care because it's so becoming. She looks really, really beautiful.
Jamie Pressley. The dress is great. It fits her so well and her jewelry is perfect, and her shoes are gorgeous. I wish her hair weren't as stiff as it looks to be, but what can you do?
The next two tied for Best in Show. I don't know what it is with gold lamee but I am loving it this year. Must be all that Charo I watched on The Love Boat when I was a kid.
Toni Colette looks smokin' hot you guys. I am loving the dress, her hair, the bracelet, and the bag. She looks absolutely radiant
Jennifer Garner also looks radiant. What a great dress. I don't always love the asymmetrical necklines but this one is just perfect. It hugs her curves but it's not too tight and her hair and jewelry are just spot-on.
So that's it, kids! The Sags are coming up soon and then the biggest night of the year: Oscars!
Until then remember your three C's: color, cut and couture.