Monday, January 25, 2010

SAG Slam 2010

That's right, my darlings! The Globes have barely receded from memory and before we can even begin to contemplate the lint growing in our belly-buttons we get the SAGS!

The world is a wonderful place, no?

Our categories for this round are: Stunning, Schlumpy, and Seriously? I know you must be thinking, "But, Kate, what's the difference between 'Schlumpy' and 'Serioulsy?' "

Allow me to explain. Schlumpy is something that is nice but ill-fitting. Seriously? is something so hideous and vile that it causes me to wonder if the wearer is in their right mind.

Are we all on the same page now? Good. So let's start, as always, with the baddies.

Here is the Seriously? Category:

Tina Fey. I love your hair, but I hate this dress! Not only is it (imho) too short for an occasion like this, but it's all wrinkled from sitting in the limo. Seriously? Next time bring a steamer with you or choose a non-wrinkle fabric.

Toni Colette. Where to begin with this travesty? Let's start with the golden (and saggy) bodice. Or perhaps the line of green sequins apropos of nothing which separates the golden bodice from the Little House on the Prairie petticoats with uneven hems and sack-like dimensions. Seriously? Maybe something a little less ugly next time, Tone.

Vera Farmiga. I don't hate this with the passion of some of the others. From her sternum down it's actually quite pretty. She absolutely lost me with that bodice though. First of all it's very Kristi Yamaguchi. Second of all it completely breaks the skin-tone rule, which doesn't make sense since the dress is BLUE. Seriously? I hate this top.


Sandra Bullock. First, your hair, second the sequins, third, the sleeves. Either make them cap or make them three-quarter but a plain old short-sleeve? Ugh! Also, was it raining? Because I'm pretty sure they've invented hair spray which might be of use to you in the future. Seriously? You left the house like this?

Penolope Cruz. Two words: polka dots. You wore polka dots to a major awards show, Pen. In case you didn't notice. Also, your hair is really shiny and everything but it's kind of in your face and I want to offer you a clippy to keep it out of your eyes. Seriously? Polka dots?

Patricia Arquette. Right this way to Ye Olde Brothel. Your friendly Madam, Patricia Arquette, is here to make your stay a comfortable as possible. Be careful of stepping on her train, though, because it is so heavy with sequins that she might just topple over. Seriously, this is just awful. I can't QUITE put my finger on why I hate it so much but I do. I really, really do. The color is good, but I think that if the fabric had been velvet the effect might have been softer and lighter.

Nicole Kidman. Ugh. You looked so great at the Globes! In fact, you looked like one of the freaking statues! And now this? Are you mocking me? I'm so glad you've darkened your hair again, but I want to give you a clippy as well to keep it out of your eyes and I want to find an old bridesmaid dress from the back of my closet that you can put on while I burn this horrendous frock. Seriously? WTF?!

Meryl Streep. I feel like I'm Han Solo and Meryl is Luke Skywalker and she's just shot down a thingy out of space and she's hooting and all of a sudden it's my cue to say: "Great, Meryl, but don't get cocky." This is really, really bad. And the sunglasses? What are you, BETTER than the rest of us now? Sorry, Mer, but no dice. Seriously? If you think this looks good, you need to think again.

Julianna Margulies. Again with the asymetrical neckline? What is wrong with you? No, really, I'm asking. You can't think it looks good, can you? I think you're effing with me. Because seriously? No.


Julia Louis-Dreyfus. What is there to say about a gown that reminds me of a funeral dirge? Very little, I suspect. Seriously? FUG.

Anna Paquin. I'm going to just start calling her Boobs McPaquin from now on. Aside from her, ahem, accessories, the dress is pretty crap. Looks a bit like baby vom, if you ask me. Seriously, ugly is not the new pretty.

And now the God-Mother of all Fug:

Joan Allen. Seriously? When did Dreamcatchers become necklaces?


Okay, that was painful but it's over now. Remember ladies, we don't hate you, we just hate your choices.

Now, let's move on to brighter prospects, namely dresses that were merely Schlumpy as opposed to truly awful.

Jane Krakowski. This looks so tight at the waist and so big in the hip that it makes me wonder if she's actually wearing a corset underneath. Aside from how badly it fits her, I love the color and I love the over-one-shoulder thing that everyone else also seems to be doing this year.

Katrina Bowden. Anyone who watches 30 Rock knows that Katrina is a teenytiny. She's like a toothpick wrapped in cellophane most of the time so this is just astonishing. I like that it's different but I don't like that it has added about 20 pounds to her frame. I also don't like the black ribbon, which seems to get lost in all those feathers and brings an air of grade school to the whole affair.

Sofia Loren. I think she's doing a pretty good job for the most part (except for those glasses) but it feels a little bit on the lumpy side, like there's too much fabric EVERYWHERE.

Jenna Fischer. I really kind of love this on her but I wish the bodice fit just a LITTLE better. It feels like it might be sagging a little bit (no pun intended) and it makes me nervous. Other than that, the color is great, her hair is great ad her accessories are really beautiful. I'm so glad she's grown out of that awkward phase of wearing curtains to events like this.

Holly Hunter. I honestly can't tell if she deserves to be here because the dress is schlumpy or if the horizontal stripes are what's causing the dress to just LOOK schlumpy. I guess either way the effect is schlump. She's got some great hair going on, at least.


Felicity Huffman & William H. Macy. First of all: shave a hair cut, May-Cee! For real, I'm not kidding, go get. Second, this dress is miles better than the atrocity from the Globes but it's still not quite awesome. It feels decidedly schlumpy.

Edie Falco. If Edie had worn this to the Globes she could have been part of our Sack Dress category. I love the color and her hair and jewelry, but the cut of the dress is bad, both in the bodice and below. I don't like that everything is loose except for the extreme fittedness of her boobs. Very weird, if you ask me.

Drew Barrymore. What the hell is wrong with you? I love your hair and I love the color of the bodice but the rest of this mess is just God-awful. It makes me want to get a pair of scissors and cut that hip cape off, do some minor adjustments and then drape it casually over your shoulders where it will still be awkward but less damaging to the overall look.

And now for the Stunning, my favorite category:

Jenna Ushkowitz. For her first major awards season this is really nice. I don't know if she was at the Globes because I didn't see her, but either way, I'm really delighted to see her turn up looking so polished. I do wish her hair were a little more out of her face, but other than that, I'm happy with this.


Mo'Nique. Utterly lovely. The color and fabric match in that they both appear to be excessively soft. There are no wrinkles to complain of from so much sitting and the delicate beading along her sleeves is gorgeous. Her hair is great and the plunge of the neckline gives her look just a hint of sex. Well freaking done!

Mariska Hargitay. Looking smoking hot, as usual. Great color, great hair, limited jewelry, and a lovely train. I really love this.

Michelle Forbes. Some of you might not know Michelle, but I've been friends with her ever since Swimming With Sharks (if you haven't seen this black comedy about Hollywood, go rent it immediately.). Then she appeared on Battlestar (I know, I know, you're thinking I need to jump off that bandwagon) as tough Admiral Helena Cain. And finally I last saw her in HBO's In Treatment as the wife of the main character. I understand that she's jumped to another HBO show and is currently kicking ass over at True Blood. If there were ever a reason to try a new show, knowing that Michelle is part of the cast is a good one. All of this is a prelude to my gushing over her dress, which is understated to say the least. Sleek, fitted, and very becoming are a few other words I might use to describe it. I love her hair, I love her look. I'm proud to call her my (pretend) friend.

Marion Cotilliard. Like the Globes, this isn't my taste but I give her props for choosing something outside the mainstream and really doing a good job with it. The feathers aren't over-powering like on Katrina's dress and though the length isn't what I'd prefer, it suits her.

Mariah Carey. God help me, you guys. Mariah Carey is on one of my best-dressed lists. Make way for the coming Apocalypse. In all seriousness, though, I'm pretty amazed and truly delighted at such a showing. Her hair is off her face, the gown fits her well and shows off curves rather than skin. And the jewelry and accessories are very nice. Shocker, right?
'Lea Michele. Beautiful in this not-quite-emerald green dress, Lea has just topped herself. After the Globes dress I worried that she might suffer from sophmore s(ch)lump, but I see the my fears were unfounded. The plunging neckline is offset by the ruffles on either side and the dress fits her beautifully. My only wish is that her hair was a bit more under control. Other than that, I think this is great.

Kyra Sedgewick. While this isn't the best thing she's ever dragged out of her closet, it's certainly not the worst, either. It fits her well, it's not overly bridal (such a hard thing to be with white) and the sash is refreshingly old-fashioned and sweet. I could do without the faint tan lines and the layers of fabric toward the lower half of the skirt, but overall I'm a happy camper.

Jane Lynch. It is so hard to see her all dressed up like this. I have been a fan of Jane's for YEARS and never in all my movie-watching have I seen her be anything but 1. goofy and hilarious or 2. serious and menacing but in a goofy and hilarious way. Which is why it's not easy to witness the glamming of this girl. The color is perfect for her, her hair is fantastic and I love that it's not just strapless with a big skirt. The gathers of fabric and the neckline fabric make it interesting to look at, too. Well done, Jane!

Gabourey Sidibe. I love this color, but I'm worried that the look as a whole is VERY similar to the Globes look. She still looks really pretty and I love her jewelry but my fingers are crossed for the Oscars. Expand your horizons and investigate your options.

My awesome BFF, Helen Mirren, looking smashing as always. This is what Patricia Arquette was going for at the Globes when she crashed and burned so miserably. My favorite part is the shimmery wrap that matches the dress perfectly but also adds enough of a contrast to make the look really spectacular.


Dianna Argon. This very easily could have been dumped in the schlumpy pile but wait. Let me tell you why I didn't go that route. First, she's managed to wear white without looking like she's waiting for the flower girls to start walking down the aisle. Second, no wrinkles on a dress that looks to be chiffon - no easy task. Third, the bodice is both asymmetrical and mainstream. She's chosen a dress that fits her well, that flatters her figure and she's accented that dress with great jewelry and hair. Two thumbs up.

Cheryl Hines. This looks to be just SLIGHTLY pulling in the hip area. Aside from that, it's a great color on her, the length is good, I love the shoulder straps and her hair is really great. No complaints from me.

Christina Hendricks. A redhead wearing red - who could have imagined? I have no complaints with this. It certainly fits better than the Globes dress. I like the over-one-shoulder thing going on and I even like that extra puff of fabric over that one shoulder. It's still not as good as the green velvet from year's past but perhaps nothing ever will be and I need to let it go.

For some reason the Best In Shows of late have always been a tie. This year, I'm doing it again.

Below are Best In Show:

Christina Applegate. I feel like this is what Vera Farmiga wanted to look like but didn't. Christina looks freaking phenomenal. I love how it fits her, I love the color, I love the train, I love her hair, I love the jewelry and I love the overall effect. Smashing, Christina. Really beautiful.

Diane Krueger. What a difference a week makes. At the Globes she was on my worst list, here she's tying for Best in Show! I'm not usually a fan of mustard yellow, particularly for awards gowns, but man alive does this work for her. Her silhouette is simply to die for and the gathers of fabric wrap her decolletage up like a gift as opposed to exposing it to the world. I love how the sleeves don't match (I know, I know!) and I love that her little clutch looks red, which is a great contrast to this beautiful gold.

So there you have it, friends. Soon we'll be up to our ears in Oscar goodness but until then, remember your three C's: color, cut, couture, and may Dior be with you in all things!

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