Monday, February 01, 2010

Grammy Slam (aka Good. God.)

The reason I rarely Slam the Grammys is because it's so freaking hard to take these people seriously. Sometimes I think that the Grammys are just an excuse for people to wear art installations (I'm looking at you Lady Garbage).

Still, since someone mentioned they'd like to have my take, I'll gladly offer some highlights.

Here we go, loves, the good, the bad, the fugly and the awesome, in that order.

The Good
Pink. This is a real step forward for our girl, Pink. She's dressed, after all! I'm not a huge fan of the multi-colored dress but at least it fits her right? Also, her accessories match and her hair is under control.

Fergie. I'm not a fan of this dress but it's not completely fug. The color is good with her dark hair and her legs look great, but I can't help wishing I had a matchbox car to drive along that shiny road that's plastered to her body. Or is it meant to be a river? It's distracting as hell at any rate.

The Bad
Kristen Bell. Not quite Fugly but certainly not good either. It's a terrible cut for her body. Not only does it not give her a waist but it looks like her boobs might actually be commingling with her bellybutton. Two words, K-Bell: Uh-uh.

Nicole Kidman, the ice queen of death herself. I know, I know. That wasn't very nice was it? But look at her. This is really, really bad. I like her hair and I sort of like the bodice but the waist and hips just DON'T FIT. Yuck.

Taylor Swift (I think). Speaking of dresses not fitting properly, hello, Taylor! What a lumpy, dumpy, bumpy piece of trash! I hate the bodice and I hate the waist. The sleeves are cute and the length is good but nothing can save this from how badly it fits.

Beyonce. I am completely indifferent to this dress. It's what she always wears. It's skin-tight, it's floor lenth, the cleavage is out to THERE and her hair is down. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt.

Katy Perry. I think I just changed my mind. She totally deserves to be in the Fugly section. I mean, for crying out loud, not only does it not fit, but the fabric is trying too hard to be a subtle combination of girlish and garish. I'm so not having it.

Britney Spears. Without pants. Naturally. Here's a thought, Brit: the entire world has already seen your naughty bits. On multiple occasions. Maybe try modesty for once. I know that sounds like crazy-talk but for the love of God you are past being a mockery of all poptarts everywhere.

Jennifer Lopez. Does anyone else wonder if she ripped the curtains down from her hotel's windows and quickly stapled this thing together with the mini-dress she had originally planned to wear? Also? Either really hit that thigh master or GO UP A SIZE. It won't kill you, I promise.

Lady Garbage, I mean Gaga. Sorry, force of habit. I don't think words are necessary here, do you? You know why you're here and I know why you're here. My question is this: with a purse shaped like a sea urchin, is it hard to get your date to hold it while you use the ladies or pose for pics?

The Awesome

Melody Something. Sorry, but I don't follow music the way I follow movies and I have no idea what this girl's name is. I do know that her dress is SLAMMIN'. Even with the evil two-tone I still love it.

Lea Michele. This girl is three for three, you guys! First the Globes, then the Sags and now this! Either she's already got a stylist in the bag or she's incredibly naturally talented when it comes to picking outfits that RAWK.

Pretty McShinydress. Sorry. Again, I don't follow music the way I follow movies so I have no idea what this lady's name is. I do know that her dress is freaking fabulous. It plumps up her decolletage without making it look gaudy, her waist is teeny-tiny with that great belt and the mermaid swish at the bottom is pure delight. Love it.

So that's all I've got lovies. The Oscars are coming up soon so until then remember the three C's: Color, Cut, and Couture. Also, when in doubt, less is more. True story.

1 comment:

mp said...

Love that you did this. I hadn’t seen Britney so without you I would have missed that bit of loveliness. That would have been awful!