Good morning, lovies! And what a good night it was, too! I have to admit that I went to bed right after the graduating class of the John Hughes High School had their reunion from hell (Molly Ringwald and Ally Sheedy, I'm ashamed of you), so I didn't really see much of the awards, but they don't really matter anyway, right?
What matters are the pretty dress, or, in some cases, the shiny hot messes. So let's get started!
This year's categories are: Good God, Meh, and Aww, Yeah.
First, as always, the disasters.
Miley Cyrus. I'd like to state for the record (again) that I don't understand what the hell Miss Cyrus is doing here. This is the Academy Awards, right? And Miley is a pop tart who dances around stripper poles so that the next generation of tweens will know how to do it properly. I almost didn't slam her because she so shouldn't be here, but then I thought, more reason than ever to give her what she deserves. MiCy is basically wearing a corset with a big skirt. Underwear and the bottom-half of one of her mother's big-girl dresses. Appropriate, given the stripper pole, I think. Good God.
Charlize Theron. Okay, this has to be some kind of statement, right? Like when she said she'd never get married until gay people could get married, too. I just...I just can't imagine someone wearing this for real and not without some kind of reason...like breast cancer awareness or something. In any event, it's pretty hideous, and pretty obvious, and a pretty bad way of enhancing an area of your body that might be lacking. Good God.
Maggie Gyllenhaal (or however you spell her name). Once again, Maggie turns up looking like a bad Jackson Pollack painting. Good GOD.
Sigourney Weaver. I like this okay, but it's exactly the same as the last, like, ten dresses she's worn on the red carpet. Bo-ring! Also, there's a ribbon around your waist, Sig, and it's not 7th grade anymore. Just an FYI. Good God.
Virginia Madsen, rocking my high school hair and a black dress that's doing nothing for her. Seriously, a black dress is supposed to be slimming right? Good God.
Rachel McAdams. I have to confess that I kind of adore Ms. McAdams. I think she's actually a really talented actress and I hope she has a long career in Hollywood. What I don't hope is that she's continues to wear dresses that look like a Monet painting gone awry. Also, not digging the blond hair, Rach. Go back to your natural dark tresses - they suit you better than Regina George's. And, if I may be so bold? It's called lipstick and it comes in, like, a gagillion different colors. Check it out.
Diane Krueger. This chick is wicked pschysto. She keeps bouncing back and forth between best dressed and worst dressed. If only that third black wrap hadn't been around her knees. If only the white had just flowed down from her waist and into a pool of silk at her feet. If only she'd had the sense to wear lipstick. What is it with these ladies? You wouldn't leave the house naked would you? Why would you leave the house with your face naked? Good God.
Nicole Ritchie. My eyes! My eyes! WTF is this supposed to be, exactly? Post-maternity wear for the damned? Good God.
Zoe Saldana. Worst of the night. From the waist up it's actually a pretty delightful little frock. From the waist down it's a cross between a toilet paper cozy and that tissue paper flower I made in the second grade with glue and a paper plate. The one thing I like about it is the navy blue at the bottom. It looks like someone spilled thick, rich ink around her feet and the color is so deep and dark and I just want to keep staring at it. If only the rest of the dress had been this color... Good God.
My eyes are still stinging from Nicole Ritchie's nightmare, but let's carry on, shall we? There are better days ahead, I promise.
The next category is Meh, meaning, I am indifferent to this gown for one reason or another.
Kate Winslet. In days of yore Kate would show up at an awards show and be completely smoking hot. I feel like maybe she's phone it in a bit here. I don't like that the top looks separate from the bottom, and I don't like the color on her. On the other hand, it fits her, her hair is great and her jewelry is pretty great. It's just not doing anything for me and maybe that's because I've come to expect something really incredible.
Elizabeth Banks. The color is good, her hair is good and I like the minimalist approach to her jewelry, but I'm not totally in love with the detailed lines on the bodice. I'm feeling very other about this dress. Meh.
Demi Moore. If only this dress had been a deeper shade of pink, or a royal blue or even a deep purple. Hell, even lavender would have been okay, but what is the rule about dresses the same color as our skin, ladies? It looks awful, that's right. I love how this fits her, I love the ruffles in the skirt, and I love the bodice, but the color is just awful. I am very grateful that she left her hirsute husband at home, though.
Carey Mulligan. Two words. Bo. Ring. The beaded bodice is nice and the skirt is nice. I like the shoes, but I hate her hair. The whole thing is just a little blah.
Penelope Cruz. It's a great color and it fits, but I have no strong feelings about this one way or the other. It's fine. It's a perfectly fine dress to wear to an awards show. It's not incredible or fantastic. It's just fine.
Anna Kendrick. See Demi Moore. Seriously, this would have been so much better if it had just been a color. I really like it, but there isn't enough of a contrast between her skin tone and the dress and as a result it's just eh.
Meryl Streep. As I've said before, white is a really tough color to pull off without looking like you're waiting for the music to start so you can walk down the aisle. Meryl pulls it off, but she doesn't pull off much else. Let's be honest, it's a little boring. Those flowers at her feet are making me wish it had been yellow just to give it some character. Meh.
Mariska Hargitay. This is difficult because Mariska is usually on the best dressed list. This dress is doing nothing for me, though. She's worn colors before that have made her skin glow and to wear this charcoal colored swath of fabric makes me kind of sad. It fits, it's fine, but it's not a knockout.
Tina Fey. This one's hard, too, because I really like Tina Fey and I want to see her do well. I just don't love this dress, though and I almost can't explain it. I don't like that it looks like it's supposed to be an animal print except in sequins. I don't like the belt. I don't like the one strap neckline. I don't hate it, by any means, but I really don't like it. I do like her hair, so that's something.
Kristen Stewart. I've been hearing about how black is always chic and how you can never go wrong with black. And I guess that's right. But this is doing nothing for me. It's a very Meh kind of dress, isn't it? Standard sweetheart neckline, standard tapered waist, standard skirt. Meh.
Vera Farmiga. On TV this dress was great. Here, it's sort of reminiscent of Chole Sevigny's lilac number from a few weeks ago. It's okay, I guess. I like the color (I like that she's finally decided to wear a color more than anything else), but the ruffles seem to be overkill. If only this had been a nice column gown or something a little less big. Is she wearing it or is it wearing her? I can't decide.
And now, the final category, the best of the best, the Awwww, Yeahs.
Queen Latifah. Overall I love this. I could do without the wrinkles but they're not so overwhelming that it's ruining it for me. Queen always knocks 'em dead and today is not different. The little bit of sparkle adds exactly the right amount of bling to save this dress from boring and her hair, jewelry and make up are all exactly right. Love it.
Mariah Carey. Looking, dare I say it, demure? It's a great color for her and I love the broach right on her hip. It fits her without being too tight and while her hair is loose, it's not in her face, which is a nice change. God help me, I'm giving Mariah Carey an Awwww, Yeah.
Jennifer Lopez. I really want to hate this gown but I honest can't. It reminds me of a champagne bottle just after the cork has been released and a fountain of bubbly has cascaded out. It's a great color on her, her jewelry is minimal and I even love the neckline, that little extra lip of fabric adding just the right amount of layer to match the skirt. Well done, Jen!
Helen Mirren. I know it's weird for my BFF to be well into her sixties (real friends don't reveal each others ages) but it's a match made in fashion heaven. The woman looks amazing here and she very fails (well, almost never) to put together something that looks absolutely pitch perfect. I want to use the word diaphanous but I'm afraid it's not delicate enough to really describe how utterly beautiful this gown is. What a babe.
Sandra Bullock. Skating a little close to the ice-dancing costume line, but never quite going over it. The bodice is delicate and very feminine, her hair is old Hollywood glam and the skirt is a simple column of silver. I think she looks pretty amazing.
Sarah Jessica Parker. Channeling Jackie O. I don't usually name the designers because beating up strangers is easier if we don't know who we're slamming, but when she said in an interview that this was Chanel I thought, "Of course it's Chanel. Who else would it be?" I haven't always been on the Carrie Bradshaw Fashion Train (too many derailments - ba-da-BUM!) but this is simply divine.
Gabourey Sidibe. Once again she's found a dress that works really well for her. I love the color and I love the appliqued crystals. Her hair is great and her jewelry is understated and age-appropriate.
And, now the moment you've all been waiting for. Best in show is not a tie this year (sorry, Helen Mirren).
Cameron Diaz. I'm reminded of the line from Almost Famous. This woman is a Golden Goddess. The dress is perfect. It fits her body exquisitely, the color is absolutely right for her subtle tan and her hair is glam without being too much. Bare shoulders were the jewels of choice for so many of the attendees and on Cam it works just as wonderfully as it does on so many of the others. She looks like the statue itself and I absolutely adore it. Well played.
So that's it, chickens. We laughed, we cried, we sighed with regret and envy and now it's all done and we have to wait until the next awards cycle. Don't fret, though, because you know these guys are going to keep wearing ridiculousness all over the damn place in the interim and I'll be there to ask the eternal question: What the Frock?
Until then, remember the three C's: color, cut and couture. Also, just because it's a trend, doesn't make it good. Love ya's!
Photo Credit: Mostly Moviephone.com. Who knew?