Sunday, January 16, 2011

Globe Slam 2011

Welcome, Possums, to another edition of the Globe Slam!

A few things before we get started: as I was watching the red carpet last night I tried to take copious notes, but of course things were moving pretty fast so they're not terribly coherent in the harsh light of day. If and when I find a good line, I'll mark it a Line From Last Night (LFLN) so you know what I was thinking in the moment. Because, I mean, I know how important it is for you to know what I'm thinking.

Also, I've started to include the designer's name where I can. Not that it's important but just in case you needed/wanted to know, now it's there. Mostly.

Categorizing these ladies wasn't as easy as it normally is, but in the end I give you, Total Babe, Passable and Oh, Honey, No.

As always, we start with the worst and so without further ado here is Oh, Honey, No:

Heidi Klum
LFLN: "blah, barf on a plate." Okay, that might be too harsh. But I dunno. The more I look at this dress trying to think of something nice to say the more I wish I could just make it go away. Heidi, you've disappointed me for perhaps the first time. Let's not make a habit out of this okay?

January Jones
LFLN: "sexpot much? why bother wearing a dress at all? Versace." The word strumpet comes to mind, truth be told. I like the fringe around the hem but the whole thing is a bit too obvious.

Christiana Aguilara
LFLN: "old timey whore in a bad wig." Swear to god that rolled off my fingertips with the ease of an insult badly deserved. And I think that's about all I have to say about this.

Michelle Williams
LFLN: "daisies not super cute." Please tell me that Matilda picked this out. Please tell me that you, Michelle Williams, didn't decide on this one. If you're looking for whimsy I'd advise you to check out Naya Rivera's dress. Or perhaps, skip the Globes altogether. This is awful.

Leighton Meester
LFLN: "badness, sisterwife glam" When someone compares you to a sisterwife it's never a good thing. I do like her little fringy purse but other than that, ugh. Unacceptable.

Julianne Moore
LFLN: "very dramatic, not sure I love it but I respect the attempt" Oh, honey. I do respect the attempt but if you're going to try something like this you need to use a fabric that's not going to detract from the drama with lap wrinkles.

Natalie Portman
LFLN: "empire waist pink satin with a red flower, not bad, great necklace, hair is a bit matronly, red clutch, the flower ruins it for me, i would have preferred a sparkly brooch." I totally stand by this. I like the construction of the dress itself but the red flower is just bad. After seeding Naya Rivera's dress I would have also been happy with a bunch of rosettes in the same color. But this? Oh, honey.

Hope Davis
She may be an indie queen but when it comes to choosing a frock I'm disappointed to say the least. The color is actually good but the asymmetrical cut and the added black lace makes it look sloppy. Sorry Hope.

Anne Hathaway
LFLN: "awful? puffed sleeves are so aggressive, armani, like something out of dynasty, hair is just okay." I don't care that the back is open, this reminds me of Celine Dion's monstrous backwards tux. And it looks so heavy. And the sleeves would make Anne of Green Gables jealous, but that's not really what we're shooting for, Anne.

Tilda Swinton
LFLN: "mannish and awful." Oh, honey. This really is pretty awful. There's no shape and it's stiff as a board and as bad as it is in the picture, it's ten times better than it looked live. LaSwin, you know I love you but come ON.

Gabourey Sidibe
This is a very rare misstep but I guess it had to happen sooner or later. Last year Gab kept choosing really great jewel-tone gowns and pairing them with fresh, young jewelry and hair. This feels like someone told her to break out of her box and not be boring. Except that, honey, sometimes boring is safe and breaking out of the box is ugly. Just sayin.

Annette Benning
Seriously, if you're not going to do your hair and you're not going to wearing contacts, at least give us a dress that's nice to look at. It's like you're not even trying anymore, Annette!

Okay, that was scary but it had to be done. We're through it now and we're on to the next group.


Christina Hendricks
This totally reminds me of what she wore a year or so fact, I want to look it up because I wanna say it's the same dress! But that can't be. I know she would never do that. So, I guess, all I have to say is that is one ginormous flower pinned to your shoulder. Good luck seeing who's coming up on you from the left.

Emma Stone
LFLN: "Calvin Klein, boring as hell, it's not just simple it's simply bad." I wish Emma had called Heather Morris and compared notes. Emma, look at Heather. That's how you pull off simple. Just an FYI. I mean, it's passable but it's not great.

Carrie Underwood
LFLN: "not bad, but a little boring, the fit isn't perfect" I feel like if you're going to wear a dress this fitted then you pretty much have to wear spanx or something else underneath. And I'm not saying she's fat, I just don't think the fit is very good. There's a bulge in her gut area that shouldn't be there. Sorry, Car.

Julie Bowen
LFLN: "beige? not sure how i feel about it, but I think it's a bit too fussy." Yeah. It's not awful, but it's a bit too fussy for me and it's definitely not a show-stopper so ... passable.

Jennifer Lawrence
LFLN: "the texture is weird." You did outstanding work in Winter's Bone but honey, you need some help in the dress-picking-out department. 1.) It's a bit boring, the bodice especially. 2.) The parts of it that aren't boring aren't interesting in a beautiful way. They're interesting in a "Jeez, what is that made of?" kind of way.

Dianna Agron
LFLN: "just ok don't love it. not stunning, great hair, nice necklace." She's having the same problem Carrie Underwood had. The fit just doesn't seem to be perfect. I do love her hair and necklace, though. Nicely done in that department.

Helena Bonham-Carter
LFLN: "omg hair is nuts, dress is nuts, shoes are nuts - bellatrix lestrange has arrived in Vivian Westwood - it's always the same brand of crazy, though. hair lace." Okay, you might be wondering why she's not up in the Oh, Honey, No section. Seriously, I have a feeling this is as good as it's gonna get with her and I have to at least try to accept it. I mean, at least they're the same KIND of shoes.

Nicole Kidman
LFLN: "looks like an icicle, nice to see her hair loose though and back to red, interesting shoulder accent, my god she's tall, bow accentuates gut." Okay, okay, that was a lot of stuff coming out of my brain at once but I think I covered everything. It must be nice to be allowed to wear heels again...

Tina Fey
LFLN: "Lauren Scott, great earrings, dark, dark blue? great bodice, love the sleeves, great hair." This is a midnight blue velvet gown that is absolutely stunning...except for the lap wrinkles. Ah, well, Tina, you can't win 'em all.

Halley Barry
LFLN: "great dress, looks a bit like lingere, nina ricci." It totally does look like lingerie doesn't it? I mean, I get that she's got the most incredible bod, but good lord, you're supposed to wear a dress to these kinds of events, not a slip that's had some tulle stapled to it. Passable.

Jennifer Lopez
LFLN: "poncho villa? not loving it, nice clutch, matronly." The Fug Girls live blogged the Globes and though I try not to read them until after I finish this (I don't want to accidentally plagiarize their hilarious brilliance) I glanced briefly at what they had to say about this and once again they've hit the nail on the head: she appears to be wearing a cape made out of a bridal veil. Enough said.

Megan Fox
So not loving this. It fits her, the color is good and her accessories are fine. But there's something about the bodice that looks thick and uncomfortable. Passable - barely.

Amy Adams
LFLN: "not loving it, hair is pretty tho." I think the reason I wasn't and am not loving it is because it feels like the opposite of sleek, which is what I'm used to from her. If they had left off the weeds at her hip and shoulder I might have been able to get on board. But this? No, thank you.
Sandra bullock
LFLN: "awesome except for hair." And it really is. This is a fantastic dress. I love it. It is completely gorgeous and she would be a total babe if it weren't for those incredibly aggressive bangs. Her hair is ruining it for me, you guys, and it makes me sad.

Kaley Cuoco
LFLN: "great hair n jewelry, ok dress, a bit too layer cake for me." This perfectly sums it up, doesn't it? Her hair and jewelry are great: understated but very nice. The dress, though, is just too layery from the waist down. From the waist up I really like it. I wish they'd continued on with that down to her feet. It's not bad but it's not great, either.

Angelina Jolie & The Green Mile of Fabric (thanks for the line, Robin!)
LFLN: "more green, this time in sequins, versace, very plain front." And you have to admit that it IS a very plain front. It's like she doesn't care about best dressed lists anymore. Long sleeves, high neckline, no jewelry, hair down...she's giving me nothing to work with.

Lea Michele
LFLN: "Oscar de la's a bit too twee". Yeah, I don't know what it is, but I just don't like this. It looks like something Miley Cyrus would wear and that makes me think, "why would Lea Michele choose something that Miley Cyrus would wear?" Barf! On the other hand, she doesn't deserve to be up with the baddies. She's passable if nothing else.

Piper Perabo
Not digging this at all. I know I might be alone in hating all things cutesy, bows and hearts included, but I can't just let this one go. It's the SIZE of the bow that really wigs me out and it's the prominence on her shoulder. The fact that it's basically her only adornment is doubly disturbing. Also, have a sandwich, Piper. Yeah, I went there.

Jane Lynch
LFLN: "not as good as previous shows" Enough said, really. It's fine, it passes but it's not as good as I've seen her do.

Edie Falco
Okay, maybe I'm just being a total grouch but I look at this and I say, "eh." She looks great and I like her hair and accessories but I think I'm in danger of falling asleep.

Vanessa Williams
Normally she'd be in the Total Babe category but there's something about this dress that is, like Edie's dress, totally putting me to sleep. She looks great it in but it's no show stopper.

Rita Wilson
Okay, girlfriend is looking damn good for her age, but the plunging neckline is a BIT much. It's almost like she's trying to tell the world, "I'm still hot, got-dammit!" She gets a pass but I really want to find a scarf for her or a big necklace or even better some duct tape to keep all that woman from making a great escape.

Kate Capshaw
Also looking good for her age, and much more appropriately dressed. Still, the basic black combined with the old-lady orthopedic shoes means Total Babehood isn't quite gonna happen. Passable.

And now for the real fun-
Total Babes:
Jennifer Westfeldt?
Jon Hamm's long-term squeeze Jennifer is a total babe, even if I'm not completely sure that that's her actual last name. I love the simple column and she's wearing white without looking like she's waiting for the flower girls to start down the aisle. It's sexy but not aggressively so and I love the silver accents around the waist and shoulder. Also? Her hair is great. Full marks.

Olivia Wilde
LFLN: "Awesome chocolate brown Marchesa, hair's too plain tho, awsm shoes." I pretty much stand by this, though I could have been a bit more articulate. The dress is FAB and really the only thing standing between her and the best dressed is maybe pulling a comb through her hair and throw it into a ponytail at least. I wish I had a pic of her shoes because they were truly stunning.

Jane Krakowski
LFLN: "slate gray gathers, great hair" I'm totally waffling here. She looks great, especially at however much prego she is, but it's not setting me on fire. On the other hand, I can't imagine what it's like to get yourself ready to go to one of these shindigs so I'm going to let it slide this time. It's a trifle on the boring side but she's a total babe anyway.

Sofia Vergara
LFLN:"bombshell, very sexy, vera wang" I love everything about this except her hair. I'm not totally digging the sausage rolls but everything else looks so great I'm going to overlook it this time.

Melissa Leo
LFLN: "very nice - lots of sparkle, great neckline and shoulders." I used to watch Melissa when she was on that show Young Riders in the early 90's and had all but forgotten that she existed to be honest. Until now. Very nice showing! Total babe!

Kira Sedgewick
LFLN: "not bad" In fact, it's more than just not bad. It's pretty great. The color works for her and the dress fits perfectly and I really like her hair. She's a babe.

Julia Stiles This is a really nice showing for Julia. I like that it's not just a simple column but that there's some texture and depth. I also love her hair and jewelry. Total Babe material.

Jenna Ushkowitz
LFLN: "nice!" And it is! She looks completely stunning. The color is fantastic, I love the cut and style of it and the belt brings it all together. I don't even mind that her hair is down because at least there's some style to it.

Jayma Mays
LFLN: "v old hollywood glam, love." I do totally love this. The dress is not an ordinary gown. It's sleek, but textured. It's sexy but also a little demure. Also, I love her hair and make up. Very Veronica Lake. Full marks.

Elisabeth Moss
LFLN: "fab, love the hair, great dress, great clutch, donna caran." Which pretty much sums it up. I love the cut and folds of the dress and it fits her perfectly. She kept her accessories to the minimum with just the big earrings and the whole things comes off wonderfully. Go, Peggy!

Kelly MacDonald
LFLN: "awesome! very sleek, great hair." I really love this. The dress is great with enough folds to keep it interesting and I love her hair and make up. Very natural looking.

Heather Morris
LFLN: "also very old Hollywood glam, love the hair." This is awesome. The simple column is similar to what Emma Stone wore, but this is ten times better. I love the sparkle and I love how sleek it is. Her jewelry is understated and it all comes together beautifully.

Johnny Depp
LFLN: "no need for a tie. he's Johnny Depp." Okay, I know I'm not supposed to include men, but seriously, could Johnnie Depp look cooler?

Helen Mirren
My bestie again looks phenomenal. How does she do it? I love the cut, the color and the embellishments on this gown. I love her hair and I love her jewelry and accessories. She's damn close to being Best In Show but there are a few more to get through.

Scarlet Johansen
LFLN: "looks fab, though hair is a bit too bride of frankenstein, very awesome, diaphanously beautiful." I stand by it all. She does not look like a woman who's going through a very public divorce. She looks relaxed and beatific. Love this look on her.

Naya Rivera
LFLN: awesome - what Natalie's dress should have been at the bodice." Way to steal Natalie Portman's thunder, Ms. Rivera. And you had no idea when you put this stunner on that that's what you'd be doing. Lordy. It looks totally amazing. Well freaking done.

Amber Riley
LFLN: "sparkly splendor, love it." This is awesome. I love the ropiness of the shoulder strap and I love the belt. I love the color, I love the fit. I think her hair could have been a bit more off her face but mostly I love this.

Ricky Gervais and Jane Fallon
Ricky's long-time squeeze, Jane, looks totally awesome in this one-shouldered Marchesa column gown. She looks totally chic and totally at ease. I love her hair and I even love her shoes. Well done!

Eva Longoria
Miss Eva, on the other hand, definitely looks like she's going through a very public divorce. Still she's turned up in an extremely elegant Zac Posen gown with a fantastic fishtail bottom (reminds me in a good way of Morticia Adams). I love the embellishment on the hip and I love the diamond-shaped neckline. It looks amazing on her.

Hailee Steinfeld
LFLN: "fresh n young and v sweet." Because she is all those things. I love this on her, and I love that she's starting the awards season with such a strong showing.

Clare Danes
In Calvin Klein this is way better than the other Klein on Emma Stone. The plain column of it isn't as boring because the bodice is very nicely done and the color is really striking.

Mandy Moore
This is gorgeous. I have a hard time acknowledging people who I think don't deserve to be at award shoes like this (coughKimKardashiancough) and though Mandy isn't what I'd call a true star, she's really put a nice look together here. It reminds me of Julia Stiles but even better in this color. Her hair could be a bit more off her face but I really think she's done a good job here.

Catherine Zeta-Jones
She looks totally amazing here in this emerald green ruffled number. Her hair is great, her jewelry is minimal and she looks super happy. What a great picture.

Mila Kunis
Also in emerald green, this one-shouldered frock is delish. Very happy there's no bow at her shoulder a-la Piper Perabo and though her hair looked a bit stiff I'd say this is overall a fantastic look.

Best In Show:
Milla Jovovich
Talk about Old Hollywood glamor. This gown is fantastic and her hair and make up are perfect. Her jewels are minimal - just earrings and a bracelet and the whole look together is completely awesome. Love it. Best in show. I love the sparkly bits on the bodice and hips, it makes it so much more special than just wrapped fabric. Total Babe.

And that's all we have. This is only the start of awards season, though, so we've got lots more to look forward. See you again soon and remember, it doesn't matter what you wear as long as you're wearing it and not the other way around.



Lindsay said...

So awesome! I agree with all you said! I love the slams! Can't wait for the next :)

Kristen said...

Good job, but I have two disagrees.
I'd upgrade Natalie Portman to a Passable. I like the basic dress and I think the rose is kind of interesting.
And Jayma Mays. No. The orange lipstick makes her look like she was binging and purging Cheetos in the limo on the ride over. And I can't tell if it's her pose or the bodice of the dress, but something is really accentuating the gauntness of her frame. Eat a fucking sandwich, Jayma, and don't puke up your Cheetos next time.

Jilliebeanie said...

Very good review.

I'm completely 'blah' over Ms. Longoria and I absolutely agree with previous commenter: My girl Jayma needs to eat something. Quick.

Kate said...

I'll jump in with you guys and demand that Jayma have a sandwich, but after taking a second look I have to stand by everything else. Super happy no one's disagreeing about Milla. She is just flat-out splendiforous.

Anonymous said...

I love Melissa Leo's dress the best. And I like Helena Bonham Carter's crazytown outfit if only to churn things up.Heidi Klum's fabric is mumu material from the landlord's wife on "Three's Company".
Overall awesome review Kate!