Aaaaand, we're back. I cannot believe the Globes are so far behind us, the Sags are upon us and the Oscars are close at hand. I've never been one to mince words, so let's just get started okay? I've separated the gowns into Self-Hatred (as in you must hate yourself to put yourself in this), Snor-zzzzzzz (as in, I fell asleep before I could finish typing) and Oh-la-la (as in, you, my dear, are looking particularly delightful).
As always we start with the bad...
I just don't understand this. She looked so freaking awesome at the Globes. Are those supposed to be flowers? Water lilies? Clumps of mold? So many questions... Hair and make up are great, though, I have to give her that. Still, why do you hate yourself, Claire?
I wonder if Nicole and Keith do roll-playing to keep the spark alive. I wonder if this is her being a naughty old west school marm. Or perhaps the naughty minister's daughter. Or maybe the naughty librarian. I don't honestly want to know, but I think it's meaningful to note that THIS is what I think of when I look at this dress. And, honey, you know I don't want to be thinking these thoughts.
Once again, she's on the bad list. Do you think people call her Jan for short? And do you think people think of Jan Brady when they do? This is what pops into my brain to distract me when I look at this metallic monstrosity. It's like a cross between a table cloth and some wall paper.
Did you know that for years and years Babs has been in a relaysh with Naveen Andrews (Sayid from Lost)? This dress kind of makes you wonder about Naveen's mental capabilities, doesn't it? They were on-again off-again for a while and I'm wondering if Naveen helped pick this out as revenge for the off-again times. It's kind of the only explanation. Also, you couldn't have done something with your hair, Babs? You were in Beaches, for god's sake. The least you could do is not sully the memory of that spectacular cry-fest by making us look at this.
What to say? It hearkens back to the Heidi Klum Globes dress doesn't it? It looks sloppy, it adds ten pounds and it's belted very awkwardly - like there's so much fabric under there that the belt isn't actually very close to her body at all, just resting on top of all the layers. Blech.
Okay, I know. It's not cool to diss a pregnant lady, but you guys. This could have been spectacular. If it had had two sleeves for instance that were either capped or were three-quarter length that would have been awesome. If it had been either ankle length or slightly above the knee that also would have been great. But this? No. I don't this so.
I'm just going to go ahead and say what you're all thinking: Pepto. Bismal. I actually don't hate the cut of the dress, though the sleeves/straps are a little fussy. I do hate with a passion the twee little bow she's got going on for a belt. Hate.
Wow, remember how great she looked at the Globes? It sort of makes me sad that she chose this for the Sags. Although I'm super glad she didn't wear it for the Oscars, this dress alone makes me very nervous about her ability to choose a dress for the Oscars. I guess I like it in theory, but the metallic sheen across her gut (and let's face it that's really what it looks like, even if it's not really there) is just so unflattering. Sorry, Mel. Not digging it.
It's like someone set up a ladder in front of her and is shining a spotlight onto her lower half, trying to draw attention either to her knees or to something that's hidden there. If the big white light hadn't been there she'd just be in the Snor-zzzzz section but this? Come on, Julia, this isn't your first rodeo. Get with it.
The hatingest self-hater of them all. I'm not just saying that, either. Every single awards show I've ever seen her at (except one) has put her in a dress that just shouldn't be anywhere near her. Most of them suffer from major frumpage and this one is no different. I like it in theory, the color is really pretty and the fabric is actually quite nice, but the cut does nothing for her figure, the high neckline is too modest and makes her boobs look way squashed and the sleeves are all droopy. Even her hair doesn't work for me. Ugh. Just go home, Jenna.
And now for the second category:
Snor-zzzzzzzz (becuase I fell asleep before I could finish typing)
It's like Amy Adams has taken over for Nicole Kidman as resident Ice Queen. Between the severe hair and the whiteness of this dress I have nothing to say. It's not blowing me out of the water but it's not hideous either. It's just sort of there. I do love her facial expression, though. It's like she's saying, "See? You m-efers! I had a kid last year and now look at me! I look fan-TASTIC."
She was originally in Oh-la-la but then I fell asleep trying to explain why I liked it so much. After I woke up I moved her here. It's fine but it's not blowing me away.
In a David's Bridal black velvet gown on sale for just $99. Sorry, but for REAL, this is boring.
In a David's Bridal white strapless bridal gown also on sale for the low, low price of just $200. Perfect for any girl's fairy-tale wedding.
And now, finally, the the lovlies:
A little obvious in the same way that Jan Jones's Globes dress was obvious. Like, okay, we KNOW, okay? We get it. You have boobs and they appear to be fan-TAS-tic. Thanks. But the color is great on her, her hair is great, her jewelry is understated and I think she looks awesome.
Normally I'm not a huge fan of flesh-colored dresses but this really works for her. I could do without the wrinkles but otherwise I love it.
Love this! Love the color, love the fit, love her hair, love the sleeves (these are the sleeves Jane Krakowski should have had). She looks absolutely fantastic.
Oh, HAIL yes. I would love it if her hair were a bit more styled but overall I love this on her. Even the shoulder ruffle, which I usually would hate, looks perfect.
Love it! I love the seventies mod feel of it. I love the little swoosh of frabic at the bottom. I love the bedazzled neckline. I love the contrast her little clutch makes against the white. I would love it even more if her hair were a bit more loose but overall, nicely done, Nat.
I've decided that anyone who can make me laugh the way Amy does every week should get a total pass and be allowed to wear whatever they want without being judged by loud-mouths like me. But, since she happens to be wearing a great dress, let's go ahead and judge her anyway. It's not perfectly cut, but I really like it. Also, I really like her hair. I'm so used to seeing it curled on Parks that when it's straightened it's like I'm seeing Amy's alter-ego, Straight Amy. She's poised, she's trim, she's wearing very tall shoes but if she wanted to all she has to do is grab some hot-rollers and look out! Crazy Amy can be back in a flash!
I almost wrote "Longoria-Parker" there. That would have been awkward. What's not at all awkward is this fantastic dress. Like Natalie Portman, she's wearing white without looking like she's waiting for the flower girls to show up. I love the asymmetrical neckline/sleeves and I love the way it drapes onto the carpet. Very nice showing, Ms. Longoria.
Okay I know I'm not supposed to like dresses that match skin tone but this one is totally different. It complements her skin tone and the bodice is just fussy enough and cleavagey enought that it totally works for her. Also, I'm so used to seeing her hair up in a Cheerios pony that when it's down like this she looks like a totally different person. And I'm totally digging that totally different person.
Speaking of cleavagey, Hi Lia! No, I'm just kidding. Not really, but yeah, just kidding. I actually really like this, though the neckline could be a tetch higher up. The draping fabric is very sensual and that combined with her slightly mussed hair makes this almost look like she's wearing bed-sheets...which maybe that was the point. Maybe she's trying to tell the world that she's a grown up, dammit, and she'll pose on any freaking magazine cover that she feels like! Or, you know, I could be totally off.
I went back and forth over this one. When I first saw it was like, "Oh, honey, no." And then I looked a little longer and was like, "I kind of dig it. And her hair is great. And she's not skeletal like at the Globes. And she's so pretty! Screw you, first impression, she's hot!"
Can we all just say it together, please? FINALLY! Finally, you pick something that fits you properly, is all one color, and a good one at that, and makes you look at least slightly appealing. Even your hair doesn't bug me. Go you, Julianna!
I like this a lot. She looks really happy. And the dress isn't your run-of-the-mill snore-fest. It's pretty and feminine and I like the diamond accent at her waist.
It's so funny to see prim Angela from the Office wearing something so va-va-voom. Still, I think it works for her and I think she not only looks really great, but really happy too.
Finally, you're wearing something that rivals that first emerald green number from all those years ago. I don't usually like black but I love the simplicity of this along with it's very subtle sexiness. I'll even forgive the bow at the waist. The sequins are great and overall, she looks absolutely fabulous.
You don't see Angie out much at these events but boy did she show up for this one. I love this! It's fun and girly and even a little whimsical. And she looks fantastic.
You can always count on Mar to show up in some jewel-colored slice of awesomness. The skirting is a bit much what with the bustle at the back but overall I love it. Her hair, jewelry and make up are all great.
Very nice showing. I could do without the wrinkles (and the faint damask print) but after the last few dresses she's worn, I'm happy.
So much better than the Globes dress! I love this little sheath and I love the diamond accents at her shoulders. I even love the little pockets! She looks fantastic.
You guys! Look at her! She's wearing a real, actual dress! Without any crazy tulle or feathers and lace ANYwhere! And her hair! It's done! Is there more happy than elated? Because that's what I am! MORE happy than elated!
Totally digging this dress and I mean totally. Her hair is a bit too First Lady c. the Clinton Years for me but her DRESS! You guys I'm so loving it. I love the color, I love the cut, the folds and the little peekaboo cut. I love the length and I love the sleeves. Christine looks amazing.
I know you're going to think I'm crazy but I really like this. I'm not sure whether it's the smoky eyes or the dark blue color or the very interesting neckline but damn, I really, really like it. I just have to pretend that that damn bow isn't really there.
BEST IN SHOW, you guys. Annette looks like a completely different person from the woman who showed up at the Globes. Her hair is combed and she looks radiant. The dress fits her like a glove and I love the bodice, the webbing of it and the shoulder straps and, you guys, just EVERYthing. I love everything about this dress. Love it.
And there you have it, all the news that's fit to print. It might sound silly or weird but I'm dedicating this Slam to little baby Jacob. I think he would have chuckled over these at some point down the line. Probably he would have been laughing at ME and not the commentary but hey entertainment is entertainment, right?
Until next time, Possums, choose a color, any color, steer clear of horizontal stripes, and don't be afraid to layer. It's winter after all and therefore it's a skill we ALL should have.