Monday, February 14, 2011

Grammy Slam 2011

Hello and welcome to another Grammy Slam! As you know, Grammy Slams are much more difficult because the fashion disasters are usually perpetrated on purpose so it's not like I can say, "Wow, she tried, she missed, she has no idea how bad this is..." More often it's, "Wow, this is one attention-seeking fame-whore we've got on our hands..."

To wit, our categories are: Batshit Crazy, But On Purpose, Which Is Much Worse, At Least She Made An Effort, and Amazeballs.

One note: I don't always know who these ladies are when I do the Grammys because my world is much more focused on film and television. Bear with me as I try to find a frame of reference with which to mock them.

Batshit Crazy, But On Purpose, Which Is Much Worse:

Lady Gaga
Ladies and gentleman (if there are any men reading), I give you the battest bat-shitter of all time. This is completely mild and tame compared to what I'm used to getting from her, so much so that I almost thing it must be a trick. A see-through top instead of a meat-top? Shocking! On the other hand, she's tried every other gimmick out there, maybe beige was all that was left.

Jada Pinkett-Smith
This ALMOST made it into the At Least category but the hair is killing me. Jada, honey, it's an awards show. There are other ways of attaining body other than not combing your hair.

I have been referring to this woman as Charo in my brain ever since I learned her name and can you blame me? I don't know what circus she robbed but some poor tight-rope walker is wonder where the hell her leotard is at.

Katy Perry
Is that a wing on the back of her dress is or is just excess feathers? Is the top actually connected to the bottom or did she think to herself, "Rhinestone bra plus the clearance sale little-girls-room drapery from the fabric store and I am SET!"?

Nicki Minaj
I have no words. I don't know who this is and I'm not sure I need to. If this is how you dress to get attention my hopes for your singing career are not high. Maybe try falling back on your TALENT? Oh, wait, this outfit means you probably don't have any. Totally forgot.

Seriously, Rhi, this is ridiculous! Like George Bush before you, you've taken worldwide goodwill and squandered it! I don't want to know that you're naked under your clothes! I don't need to be reminded! So stop it! Please!

Willow Smith
I have no more energy for Willow Smith, her platform sneakers or her butt-capes.

Hayley Williams
I have no idea who this is either, but if you were trying for a matchy-matchy kind of feel with your hair and your skirt, you totally failed. Which is probably not a new sensation for you.

Florence Welch
You're gonna be so proud when I tell you that I actually DO know who Florence Welch is. She's the lead singer of Florence and the Machine, a really great band the Beast got me into. Her voice is awesome. This dress is SO totally NOT. The thing is, I can't tell if this is attention-seeking or not. However, even if it's not she can't be supposed to have made an effort and so, unfortunately, she and her god-awful monstrosity of a "gown" are stuck here.

At Least She Made An Effort

I like the color of this buttery chiffon gown, and I like her hair and accessories. I don't like the strap or the bodice, though. It actually looks a little as if her left boob is trying to make a run for it, which must be rather awkward since the right one looks really rather content. And a different size.

Jennifer Hudson
In theory I really love this dress. However, I don't love that her torso looks like it's in jail. Still, at least she made an effort, right?

Hilary Scott
I'm told that this lady is the lead singer of Lady Antebellum. Too bad she seems to be at war with the dress. Or maybe the dress is at war with her waist. What's that belt? It looks kind of weird. And her hair. Could it be any more severe? Eh.

Esperanza Spalding
No idea who this lady is but the only thing I can complain about are her shoes which totally don't match the dress. The dress itself is kind of gorgeous. I don't love her hair but at least it's not completely in her face.

Eva Longoria
Nice showing from Ms. Longoria, but it feels rather shapeless to me. I wish the black didn't hang down so much over the white. It makes it look like her waist is missing.

Diana Agron
Very pretty, but not super-duper awesome.

Cyndi Lauper
Say it with me folks, "Hot. Mess." Oy. Ms. Lauper is looking a trifle rough these days, no? Still, her dress isn't a complete travesty. Not like her hair. I do wish it more adequately concealed her girly-parts, though. But that's just me.

Crystal Bowersox
I am so in like with this dress. I just wish her dreads hadn't ruined it for me. Don't dismiss good hair, jewelry and accessories as optional, ladies!

Amber Riley
I really wanna like this but there's so much going on. It's like her belly is in the midst of an electrical storm. Also, I don't love the metallic half-shrug going on up at her shoulder. It's a little too busy for me. Still, she looks much better than some of the crazies.

Jenna Ushkowitz
Dammit, Jenna, I really like you. why do you wear stuff I'm not gonna like? I sort of like this in theory but it reminds me a bit too much of when Kathy Bates wrapped herself in saran wrap in Fried Green Tomatoes. Maybe if it weren't so see-through-y. Maybe if the bow weren't front and center. Maybe if it were something completely different. least she tried.

Keri Hilson
I don't know who the hell she is, but the nicest thing I can say about this is that at least her shoes match her dress. I know, that's such a back-handed compliment, isn't it? The thing I really don't like about this dress is that big wing-thing coming up out of her chest. I could probably live with it peaceably if not for that.

Kelly Osbourne
Boy, I really like this. It's a great color for her, the feathers don't make her waist disappear, and even the twee little bow isn't awful. Completely digging it.

Julianne Hough
The fabric looks a bit too much like vom for my liking but other than that I'm pretty happy.

Jordin Sparks
I'm not a big fan of butt-capes (Willow Smith) and I hate wrinkles even more. However, I kind of love the bodice and she looks really happy in this. Nicely done, whoever you are.

Miranda Lambert
It's like the forehead that never ends up there. I like the dress. I don't love the bodice, though. Some poor ice dancer somewhere is looking for her costume.

Martina McBride
Ugh. Fabric-attack.

Naya Rivera
Love this. It reminds of that dance number in White Christmas where Vera Ellen wears something like this while tap dancing faster than the speed of light. And let me please make a distinction here: this is not a butt-cape. I don't know exactly WHAT it is, but it's not a butt-cape. and I love it.

Natasha Bedingfield
Lord Barfington, dinner for one. What exactly is that weird bodice V up there? Are you a Visitor? Should we be worried? Will Elizabeth Mitchell bust down the doors and kill you so you can't take over our world? So many questions....

Can I tell you how over I am of singers with just one name? I am. So over them. I'm also over these really aggressive shoulder pads, severe neckline and short sleeves. As Anne of Green Gables would say, "how utterly un-romantic".

Can I tell how angry I am that I have to review Snooki's outfit? I mean, no, I don't HAVE to. I purposefully ignored Miley Cyrus, Kim Kardashian and someone else who's name I don't remember. I can't ignore Snooki, though. I want to, you guys, I really want to. But I kind of like what she's wearing. It's not too short, or too low-cut. Her accessories match. She made an effort. I think her shoes a trifle too small but at least her toes are painted. I like her hair, even. Okay, I need to get a drink. She's wearing off on me.

Selma Blair
First, what the hell is Selma Blair doing at the Grammy's? I don't get that at all. Second, it would be great if the navy leotard she'd worn actually matched the gray Chadwick's-catalog skirt she got on clearance at the end of the summer...Still. She made an effort.

Toni Braxton
Kind of loving this. She looks pretty fantastic for her age. I don't love two tone gowns but this one works.

Tia Carrerra
Assuming that fur is totally and completely fake I absolutely love this. If it's not fake then she's awful. The color on her is great. I am the first to scoff at the color green unless it's emerald, but this is gorgeous.
Selena Gomez
It's almost a touch too sexy-wedding-dress for me but she looks totally amazing in it.

LeAnn Rimes
Remember this girl? She used to sing a lot. Great voice. Not sure what she's doing lately other than stealing other girls' husbands. Still, the husband-stealer looks rippin hot.

Lea Michele
Even though Lea looks completely amazing in this I'd like to ask her, as a favor, to seriously think about higher necklines. The entire world doesn't need to see that much of you at every awards show. For reals.

Kathy Griffin
Okay, I totally love me some K-Griff. LOVE. But even if I didn't love her I would still have to say that she looks incredibly awesome in this. The color is great, her hair and make up are great, even the design of and on the dress is great. And I love her expression. Almost like she's thinking up mean things to say while standing there. That's right, she's multitasking. She's posing and writing down all the things she needs to remember on her little mental list of people who need taking down a notch or two.

Jennifer Lopez
Case in point. I can't really say anything here. J.Lo. is amazeballs. Aside from the fact that she's wearing a discoball, that is.

Heidi Klum
Good lord. That's all I have. What a slam-bang slammin piece of work. I even like her hair and shoes. Good for you, Heidi.

And, the moment you've all been waiting for, Best in Show:

Nicole Kidman
Stay away from horizontal stripes. Nicole Kidman is the exception that proves the rule. No one else on earth could get away with this. The colors are stunning, the bodice is simply beautiful, and the little mermaid swoosh at the bottom is utterly delightful. Her hair is great and her jewelry is perfect. Full marks, Kid.

And that's it. Did you know that Grammys is short for gramophone? I'm totally making that up but I wouldn't be surprised if I were right.

Until next time, Possums, winter's not over yet so layer, layer, layer. Stay tuned for the Bafta Slam before the end of the week!


1 comment:

mp said...

I LOVED Esperanza's shoes!!! And thought Rhianna looked STUNNING in that dress! Other than that, I totally agree!