Monday, February 28, 2011

Oscar Slam 2011

Possums! Welcome to the big, giant grand finale of awards season - the Oscars!

We've got a great line-up for you so sit back and enjoy the last official fashion slam of the year.

The categories are: For The Love Of Gawd, Not Heinous, and Babelicious. I'm so excited! Let's get started!

For The Love of Gawd:

Annette Benning
You guys I had such high hopes for Annette! She had a very rocky start at the Globes but then she completely pulled it out and was seemingly unstoppable for a long time! And now this! I need to go sit in a corner and cry for a while I'm so very disappointed.

Melissa Leo
The woman is wearing a giant doily. A giant, high-collared, short-sleeved doily. I think the less said about this dress the better.

Mila Kunis
Okay when If first saw this dress it was during an interview and I only caught it from the waist up and I kind of like it. Then the camera panned out and I gasped in horror. Diagonal layers of lilac lace and chiffon? Puke. Also? The camera adds ten pounds and with all these freaking layers you're not doing yourself any favors, Mila. It makes me sad because I like you so much. You're such a talented actress. Sometimes, though, you make really bad dress decisions. It's nothing to be embarrassed about, okay? Just call me first next time.

Mandy Moore
While watching the red carpet from the comfy-coziness of my couch and jam-jams I was taking copious notes so that in case I decided to watch the whole train-wreck of a ceremony and stayed up too late I wouldn't forget my first impressions. This is what I wrote last night about this dress: "a mini-dress gone wrong". If the sequins had gone a little further down before tapering off I could have gotten behind this. To the knee, even would have been fine but And it sucks because from the waist up it rocks.

Nicole Kidman
Okay, Nicole seems to have gone bat-shit crazy again. For someone who's starved herself into this teeny-tiny little package it seems completely nuts that she would wear a dress with hip-wings. Note: hip-wings accentuate the hips and make them look bigger than they actually are. And I haven't even started on the fireworks pattern on the bodice. What is she trying to convey to the world here? Is this just sleep-deprived newborn nitwittery? I do love her hair and necklace, though.

Scarlet Johanssen
I really like the cut of this dress but it resembles wallpaper too much for me to take it seriously.

Florence Welch
Dear Flo, it's not appropriate to find your Oscar dress in a consignment shop specializing in Little House couture. Love, Everyone On The Planet

Cate Blanchett
I don't even know what to say about this. The picture is so much more mild than the images on the red carpet. There it was really bad, here it's just pretty bad. It's like the dress is acting as a picture frame for her chest. Which begs the question: Why, Cate, why?

And on we go...

Not Heinous:

Busy Phillips
This could have been so awesome but, Busy, you completely remove your waist when you put a giant layer of fabric right there. I want to see your silhouette not gobs of satin.

Daphne Zuniga
Wow, it's been years since I've seen Daphne. I loved her in Space Balls and wasn't she in Melrose at one point? Good times. Anybitch, I am really enjoying this little outing from her. The simple cowl neckline is very flattering and her loose curls make it less of a possible wedding gown that it otherwise would look. I don't love the artistically ripped pieces of her dress down toward the bottom but I can certainly live with them.

Gwyneth Paltrow
This silver sheath is really quite nice on her but I feel like it's kind of plain. The deep vertical cut of the bodice breaks things up and the little hip brooch too works, but I'm not really feeling it.

Helena Bonham-Carter
Considering what we've come to expect from HBC can we all agree that this is a win and move on? I thought so.

Julia Ormond
Another blast from the past. I haven't heard of anything she's done since Smila's Sense of Snow, and while I've never been a big fan of dark lace over white fabric the cut of this dress is kind of saving it. She actually looks pretty and not at all like an Old West madam. Well done, Jules!

Marisa Tomei
Given what we know Marisa is capable of, I feel like she's totally phoning this is. And, okay, given the fact that she wasn't up for any awards I guess I can forgive her for it...but I'll never forget. This is boringsville, Mar, and I won't put up with it.

And finally...


Virginia Madsen
I usually hate two-tone dresses as Julianna Margulies knows very well. However, I must applaud Virginia for this really stunning little number. It's like she's her own black swan, except the black is very demure and sweet while the white is all crazy, feathered and off-the-shoulder. I'm kind of totally digging it to be honest.

Sharon Stone
Man, a hundred years later and Sharon Stone still looks like a million bucks. Possibly because she's spent a million bucks on surgery, hair, make up and gown people, but still. She's standing there totally owning the red carpet. I love the feathers at her shoulder and I love her attitude. Yes, she's a crazy bitch, but she doesn't take crap from anyone, that's for sure. Her hair is a bit high for me, but since she doesn't take crap I won't so silly as to give her crap. Well done, Shar.

Sandra Bullock
Completely loving this, except for the damn butt-bow. When will grown women learn that these little girl affectations aren't good? They don't match or mesh or work in the slightest. Still, the bodice is great, the skirting is really beautiful and I love the simplicity of her hair, make up and jewels.

Reese Witherspoon
This almost would have been in the Not Heinous category simply because it's so completely boring. However, I am really digging her hair here. I feel like she's kept her gown low-key so that she could really let her hair and accessories shine and I guess I'm okay with that.

Penelope Cruz
What a hot mama this woman is. One month after giving birth she's walking the red carpet in a dress that could set the theater on fire. While watching the Red Carpet last night I made this note to myself: "firecracker". She looks completely stunning and I love her long straight hair. Full marks, Pen.

Natalie Portman
Completely beautiful. Natalie usually looks perfectly sweet and demure and lovely but here she really shines and I suspect that her mood only got better after she rightly claimed her best actress Oscar. Well freaking done, Nat.

Michelle Williams
After the last few shows I was seriously nervous but boy did she pull out the stops and make this thing work. I love it. I don't usually like short sleeves but I didn't even notice. This second-skin beaded gown is simply gorgeous. I feel like I've never noticed before how much her eyebrows contrast with her blond hair and maybe that's because the dress and her hair are so pale that they make her brows really stand out, but I'm willing to let it go if you are.

Jennifer Lawrence
What a totally awesome showing from this relative new-comer. She is pretty freaking far from Winter's Bone and my goodness I'm loving it. She's a total bombshell and she's totally humble too. On the RC someone asked her if she's there to win or there to have fun. She laughed and said, "I'm here to have fun and lose." What a trooper.

Jennifer Hudson
And speaking of bombshells, hello there, J.Hud! I am loving this! She looks so completely fabulous in it that I don't really even know where to begin. The bodice is so va-va-voom and the very dropped waist shows off her new body like a mofo. Loving it.

Hillary Swank
I'm not sure sure Hil's been in this category in a while which makes me all the happier to have her here with us now. If this had just been a simple sheath it would have been fine but I love the feathers and the darkening of the fabric as it got closer to the ground. It's fun and it's feminine and she looks unbelievable.

Hailee Steinfeld
What completely sweet, age-appropriate little frock for Hailee. I didn't see True Grit but I understand from everyone else who did that she kicked ass in it. Well done, Hailee. You look fantastic.

Helen Mirren
As always, my BFF knocks it out of the park, though there are some things I would have tweaked had I been in charge. For instance the sleeves are very puffy aren't they? Anne of Green Gables would have been so happy with them but I feel like they could have been toned down just a little. And, not to be a nit-picker, but I kind of wish her necklace hadn't fallen onto the bodice. I wish it had rested only her neck. Still. These are very small little quibbles and to be honest she looks smashing.
Dale Dickey
I don't remember where Dale is from but she's here with us and she's wearing a dress that is totally awesome. I love the contrast between her red hair and the navy blue sequins. I love the off-the-shoulder straps and I love the bodice. She looks awesome.

Cheryl Hines
Beautiful. As always, Cheryl Hines looks totally beautiful. This dark gray sequined number is stunning with little gathers of fabric here and there. I love it and I love her hair and I love her jewels.

Celine Dion
Okay, I know most of you know of my famed antipathy for Ms. Dion but I have to give credit where credit is due. Girlfriend looks awesome. You would never know that less than a year ago she gave birth to freaking twins. Her necklace is a bit too My Heart Will Go On Because I've Got This Ginormous Diamond That Didn't Fall Into The Sea After All, but I'm willing to go with it.

Camilla Alves
Not loving the Hi, Have You Seen My Sternum cut of the bodice but overall she looks amazing. Her hair and make up are understated and her jewels are great. Love the earrings. She looks fantastic.

Aishwarya Rai
Leave it to the most beautiful woman in the world to wear brown and look completely babelicious. I love this. She looks amazing and I'm so psyched that she was there.

Anne Hathaway
I like this so much better than last year's gown. It's more fun and a little playful. Her hair and jewels are perfect and I just love it.


I have to be honest...I couldn't pick just one so we have a tie:

Amy Adams
I love it when red heads wear navy instead of green and this ceiling to floor sequined gown is superb. She looks so amazing. I love the little cap sleeves. And I love the big emeralds at her throat and wrist. It's a twist I wouldn't have thought of doing but it works so well. Babelicious. Completely.

Halle Berry
The diaphanousness of this is simply breath-taking. She looks utterly amazing. In fact, she almost looks to be glowing in the victory of bitch-slapping silly Gabriel into submission so that he'll follow her everywhere and be a permanent nanny for their daughter, completely eschewing any and all of the plans for his career. Well done, Halle. Also, I never want to be on your bad side.

And that's it, Possums! We laughed, we cried, we pitied and we raved. I can't believe another Oscars has come and gone. I guess we're all a year older now.

Until next time, then. See you at the Emmy's!



Jilliebeanie said...

Could Hailee possibly be any cuter? I didn't see True Grit either but my husband went on and on and ON about her performance - I think he's in love with a non-sicko way.

Ms. Rai is INDEED the most beautiful women in the world.

Amy = best in show. TOTALLY!

Kate said...

Wow, I am so excited that my most fashionable friend totally agrees me on these very important matters! Huzzah!