Wednesday, May 04, 2011

Met Costume Ball Slam 2011

And the categories are: WTF Just Happened Here?, Mediocre At Best, and LOVE.

As always, we'll start with WTF Just Happened Here?

Michelle Williams
For reals, WTF Just Happened Here? I mean, I get that these outfits are more for shock value than anything else and that, much like the Grammy's, we shouldn't read too much into them, but this is just a mess. Gold birds appliqued onto black fabric? I think I did that once - in second grade! And even then I had the good sense not to design my fashion around it!

Naomi Campbell
I don't even know how to describe this. It's like Bjork's swan outfit jumped into a blender, someone pureed it and this is what came out. Awful. Just completely and utterly awful.

Kirstin Dunst
Blach. Did someone take a peasant dress, add sequins and cut out the shoulders? I thought this was a costume ball. That means you're supposed to reach a little and not do what you'd normally do just with sequins.

I would almost - ALMOST - throw this into the LOVE category except for the fatal fact that those are PANTS. Pants that need to be HEMMED. Go to your room, Iman, and think about what you've inflicted upon us!

First of all, collagen much? Seriously, Fergie, you look like a duck! Second this dress is just too much. There's too many weeds all over the damn place and that, combined with your very aggressive decolletage is making my eyes hurt.

Dakota Fanning
Speaking of making my eyes hurt. It's like someone took Elizabeth Taylor's awesome dress from that movie with Monty Clift and gave it steroids. Oh, how I hate you, weird daisy dress. Let me count the ways.

Christina Ricci
Okay, Christina, I give. I apologize for asking you to eat a sandwich all those years ago. It was rude of me. Uncle. Okay? Are you happy? Will you please burn this monstrosity now?

Yuck. I hate the silhouette. I hate the cut out. I hate the choking grip the dress has on her neck. I hate the gold pattern. I hate it all.

Alicia Keys
Speaking of hate. First, why brown? There are a million colors out there, why choose brown? It's incredibly difficult to pull off brown. Second, if you're going to choose brown, why add a hugely collared jacket to the mix? It's awful.

Christina Hendricks
Speaking of brown. Christina, honey, I'm so disappointed. The color is just blah, and though the cut could have done something wonderful for you, it's ruined by the pattern of the color up top. It should have been emerald green, maybe in velvet. But this rusty brown? No.

Taylor Swift
I don't even know how to describe this other than to say her stylist clearly hates her.

And speaking of hatred among stylists for their clients, what the hell is Rhianna doing? This looks like Morticia Addams' wedding gown. And the long red braid doesn't help, it just makes her look extra crazy.

Mediocre At Best

Kerry Washington
This is completely inoffensive except for the fact that it's a terrible color on her and the bodice looks like it used to be the top of someone else's bikini. Nice try, Ker.

Penelope Cruz
I really like this but I wish it weren't black. This is a costume ball, Pen. That means if you're not in a costume you should at least try to be a little different from the norm and I swear this is SO "the norm".
Olson Twins
I know you're going to think I'm crazy, but the one of the left actually looks semi-cute and the one on the right continues to look batshit crazy, so I'm putting them in the Mediocre category because it's sort of half way there for both of them.

Nicole Ritchie
I love her hair. I don't understand her dress. She's pulling off the "wear white without looking like a a bride" challenge, but the sleeves really bother me. The cutouts are one thing, the length is another. If they'd been cropped to three-quarter length and still had the cutouts I think I'd be fine but the combination is weird, right? Tell me I'm not wrong.

Rene Zellweger
Could this woman look more psycho? It's like she's trying to communicate with her mind, "I am sexxy, photogs. Look at my body. It's almost like you can see through my dress, isn't it? Am I not SEXXY?" No, Ren, no you're not. You look like you could use Christina Ricci's sandwich. Also, can you even see anymore? The squintiness of your whole face makes me very nervous about your ability to drive without hitting something important. The dress is just eh. It's the same color as her skin which is breaking the second cardinal rule of celeb fashion (for the first rule, see above re: wearing white), and it's nice sheath but it's giving me nothing to work with.

Sarah Jessica Parker (David Borneaz in the background)
Ditto, SJP. I want to sing-song at her, "Bo-RING!" Also, I don't like that the pattern of beads draws the eye to the diamond shape just below her hips. What are you trying to tell us, huh? That you're still fertile? Honey, that ship sailed, okay? Please stop.

Kate Hudson
I'm so not digging this on her. And I know she's totally prego, I get it, but when she was prego with her first kid she was still able to find flattering outfits and dresses. This just isn't one. Also, did she clip a brooch to the top of her forehead? Why, Kate, why?

Kristin Stewart
Eh. I think she needs a higher degree of contrast. The dark red against the black is doing nothing for her. Clothes should make you look better. Fabric and color should make your face and skin and eyes LOOK BETTER. And this doesn't. It's almost as if it's wearing her and not the other way around.


I usually am extremely critical of the material girl but I can't help it. This is awesome. I love the color, the cut and the very 1940s vibe I'm getting from it. She looks totally hot.

Jennifer Lopez
I am also usually very critical of J.Lo and I supposed I could be here too, lots of other critics have been. I really like this, though. The color is fantastic on her, first of all. The wraps and layers of it are fun and the weird flowering bolero is kind of kicky and adds just the right amount of attitude. Well done, Jen.

Jennifer Hudson
If the gray overlay were another color this would be Best In Show. The bodice is fantastic, the full skirt is fun and the gathers of fabric make it very feminine and just really lovely.

Gwyneth Paltrow
I really kind of like this. I like the sleekness of it and I really like the openish back. It's a great color. The gold really brings out her skin and her hair. Lovely.
I also love the deep slit up the side and her champagne-colored platforms.

Lea Michele
I really like the cut of this dress and the folds in the bodice. I wish it had been a slightly softer color as the tomato red isn't really doing it for me but since she's hugging Gwyn who's totally in the winner's circle I'll overlook it just this once.

Jessica Alba
I really want to use the word diaphanous when I look at her. Now, okay, I'll be the first to admit that Jessica Alba isn't my favorite. I don't actually think she should ever be referred to as an "actress" because standing in front of a camera and reciting lines isn't acting. It's reciting. However, I'll give her this: she can pull it out when she wants to and put on a dress that is absolutely awesome. The color is perfect on her, her hair is loose and very gentle and her jewelry is at a minimum. She looks really great.

Diane Krueger
Awesome. I love the high slit up her leg, I love her shoes, I love the top, which is perfect for a night out in early May, and I love the little satin belt. She doesn't need jewelry because her top is shiny enough and her with her skin and pale hair the red lippy is just the right pop of color. Love it.

Giselle Budchen
My friend Giselle is suffering from the exact same malady that's plaguing Lea Michele. Love the dress, wish it didn't remind me of ketchup.

Salma Hayek
She looks so utterly lovely in this that it pains me to wish it were a better color. It's a bit too beige for my liking and really, the layers and gathers of fabric could have been so perfectly displayed if it had been, I dunno, blue or green or even white. Also, is the left side of her bodice slightly lower than the right? Is it an optical illusion because it's over just one shoulder? I'm not totally digging it but I really appreciate the effort and I mean, hell, it's Salma Hayek.

Blake Lively
I really wanna hate this. It's so showy and look-at-me-I'm-different! but I guess that's what everyone here is trying to shout, right? Still, even though it's not my taste I can't really fault her for putting it on and looking awesome. Although, ever since she went from yellow hair (hi, Tina Fey!) to ginger her fake tan skin has been looking more and more orange, which might be why I think the dress does more to conflict with rather than compliment her skin tone. It looks like a body stocking with damask appliques all over it with someone's living room curtain draped over one shoulder. And she's in the LOVE category. What is happening? Is it bizzaro day? I think I need to lie down. And maybe a drink. And perhaps neck massage from Don Draper.

Ginnifer Goodwin
First, awesome color, especially against her pale skin. Second, this is what Kerry Washington's bodice should have looked like. Third, all of her accessories are spot on: her shoes are great, funky and fun, her bag is small and matches the shoes, her jewelry is stunning, her make up is demure and her haircut is awesome. BEST IN SHOW.

And that's it, Chickadees. With much love, as always, until next time.


1 comment:

Carol/Red Dirt in My Soul said...

Kate, thanks for coming over to Red Dirt In My Soul, I'm so happy you left a comment! I've just read your first few entries, and you had me laughing... and I'm one that usually could care less about fashion! (obviously) I have to say, I'm very happy that I take pictures without me in them, as I know I couldn't stand the pressure of your review! ;-) I hope to hear from you again!