Sunday, September 18, 2011

Emmy Slam 2011

Hello, Possums!!

Can you believe it's that time of year again? I have to tell you that the Emmy's is one of the reasons September is my favorite month. All the new shows come back AND there's an awards event celebrating all those great shows? With dresses and shoes and hair and jewelry, too? HEAVEN!

So, I've decided that my categories for this will be borrowed from real life. There have been times while people-watching when my friends and I have been able to boil things down to just "Awesome" or "Awful". So that's what we're going to do here. And, since there are moments in life that don't really fall into either of those categories, I've also added "Apathy".

Shall we get started? As always we begin with the Awful:

Kelly MacDonald
This is particularly difficult because I love Kelly MacDonald in general and I love Boardwalk Empire and I love her ON Boardwalk Empire. Do you know why she looks so pissed off right here? She looks pissed off because she's realizing that her dress SUCKS. Kelly, honey, I would look pissed off too. If your stylist did this to you fire that bitch immediately. If you don't have a stylist call Rachel Zoe IMMEDIATELY. That is all.

Heather Morris
I guess I can see what Heather was going for here, but it just doesn't work. It's sort of like someone dyed a bunch of toilet paper and then tacked it onto a perfectly fine black dress. I wish she had worn the black dress under this, at least then she would have been in Apathy.

Claire Danes
Okay, I know theoretically this is perfectly fine. It fits her, there are no wrinkles or gaping bits of fabric anywhere. I just don't dig the geometric design. It feels a bit too mathy for the Emmys and we all know how I feel about math, right? Enough said.

Dianna Agron
Ugh. I really want to like this. The color is great on her, the material is clearly very soft and silky, it's very feminine, but I can't get over the very harsh neckline. It could at least have been made into a cowl, couldn't it? Some draping never hurt anyone. Just ask Don Draper - ba-dum-BUM! Seriously, though, this could have been Awesome and it just isn't.

ETA: Lena Headey
Morticia Adams rides again. I don't know who this is but I'll try to find out. Is it possible that she's Amish? Or Fundamental LDS? Because I don't know how to explain this otherwise. Honey, you're at a big Hollywood awards show. That means you can let loose a bit a sparkle! I see no sequins, or jewelry or even a cool-looking purse. WTH!?

ETA: Thanks to Kristen Klemann who rightly points out in the comments that this is Lena Headey who plays crazy brother-fucker Cercei Lannister (A Lannister Always Pays His Debts). I didn't recognize her because of the hair. And the clothes. She usually looks like this, after all. And she's usually in bed with her brother, who's really hot, but is still her brother after all.

ETA: Eva La Rue
I dunno who this is either but I'll find out asap (I know you wanna know - or perhaps you already know and you can leave a comment for me). I like this in theory, but she's having the opposite problem as her nameless friend above her. She's suffering from Attack of the Bling. If those sparkles had stayed up in the bodice area, maybe that could have saved it. Or maybe not. On further reflection she looks like she added a nice long skirt to an ice-dancer's costume. Not digging it.

ETA: Thanks again to Kristen for reminding me that this is Eva La Rue (best stage name ever?) of CSI: Miami.

Jayma Mayes
Boy, does this make me sad. First, don't we all know the rule about horizontal stripes? Horizontal ruffles are exactly the same thing! Jayma! I know you know this! It's unflattering. The whole thing is just way too "Hi it's my birthday and I'm three!"

Gwyneth Paltrow
For the record, seeing a stomach roll on Gwyneth Paltrow makes me depressed. The woman's job in life is to be hot and thin and attractive. She spends hours each day making sure that's what she is. What chance do the rest of us have, eeking out 45 minutes or a single hour at the gym if we can never expecpt to attain those goals? Also, the dress is really ugly. Black lace over nude material has never done much for me, but this in particular is just blech.

Julianna Margulies
The nicest thing I can say about this dress is she's pulled off wearing white without looking like a bride. Now for all the mean things: You can't tell in this picture but on the red carpet the bodice looks as stiff as a board. Horrible. Also, there are these clear pieces of plastic glued on which looks even weirder. See below:
Weird, right? And uncomfortable-looking. And ugly.

Paula Abdul
Okay, I just don't get this. First, it doesn't look like it fits her. Or, rather it looks like there's a ton of fabric underneath that's adding a lot of awkward padding. Second, the belt is sitting in a really bizarre position. I feel like for it to be flattering it should be up a little higher. Down so low all I can think about is how uncomfortable that's gonna be on her gut when she sits. Which...come on people I don't wanna be thinking about Paula Abdul's GUT.

Heidi Klum
I really wish this has been full length. The bodice is a bit plain and the skirt is a bit much. I wish Christian Sorianno had finessed it a bit more. I like the gathers of fabric in the skirt but I really want it to be further away from her face. Heidi is a tremendously beautiful woman. When you steal the thunder from her face with the skirt of a dress, and not in a good way, that's a problem.

Okay, that's over. It didn't hurt to much, right?

Next, we move on to the dresses that mostly made me fall asleep, aka Apathy:

Evan Rachel Wood
I want to like this. It's got a beautiful line and I really like the capped sleeves. But I don't love the neckline. It seems a bit plain, dare I say even severe, especially with her hair all scraped back. Snore.

Katie Holmes
It is unbelievably easy to take pot-shots at Katie these days, what with her being married to Tom "CrazyPants" Cruise. So I don't want to do this but I have to. I like this, don't get me wrong but I don't love it. It's not Awesome. The straps are the only interesting thing about this dress and they're interesting in a bad way. They're not flattering and they add nothing to the design. It's like the designer said, "Okay I need to make this a bit more than just a simple column so I'm gonna mess with the straps. Done!" Makes me sad for the dress more than anything else.

Rashida Jones
Boy I really wanted to like this. I love her and I love Parks and Rec and I love her character on Parks and Rec. But this just isn't working for me. For one thing, the wrinkles are killing me. Why do people continue to chose dresses made out of fabric that's gonna wrinkle? Also, I don't like the bodice. It just seems a bit plain and boring. It's a good color for her but the dress as a whole just isn't working.

Vanessa Marano
You guys. Are you watching Vanessa's new show Switched At Birth? It's become a guilty pleasure that I pretty much never miss. Unfortunately, she should have taken a miss on this dress. I don't like the spilled ink look, especially when the bodice has nothing in common with the skirting. The line separating them is awkward. If they were gonna go for this look I would have liked to have seen an unbroken line from shoulder to opposite toe.

Gretchen Mol
....zzzzzzz - whoops! I started looking at Gretchen and totally fell asleep. Sorry about that. Ahem. Her dress is fine. It fits, it looks comfy and ...and... Crap, no I'm awake! I gotta move on. I'm putting myself to sleep trying to come up with commentary.

Rachel Harris
Crap! It's like they called each other in advance and decided to wear the same dress just to mess with people. Not cool, guys. Also, zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Melissa McCarthy
I really want to like this. I'm thinking back to the gowns that Queen Latifa and Gabourey Sidibe have worn over the years and I know that there are really beautiful gowns for full-figured ladies. I don't feel like this is one of them. Which really hurts to say because on the red carpet she mentioned that she helped design in. It just feels a little too much Alexis Carrington in the shoulder pads and not enough va-va-voom in skirt.

Jenna Uskowitz
Call me crazy but I wouldn't want to be sitting to Jenna's left. You could freaking lose an eye. It looks really uncomfortable all around and that makes me sad because if a dress is going to be work to wear it should at least be totally awesome. Which this totally isn't.

And now, the Awesome:
Elizabeth McGovern
Have you guys seen the six-part BBC mini-series Downton Abbey? If not you SHOULD. It's written by Julian Fellowes, who doesn't know it but is totally a good friend of mine. Elizabeth stars in it and she kicks ass. Just as she's kicking this dress's ass. It's simple, the color is great, it fits her great, I love her hair and jewelry and even her accessories. It feels so good to be back in Awesome territory.

Sofia Vergara
Talk about bringing the va-va-voom. This fits her like a glove, the color is perfect, the cut is perfect, everything looks so perfect, including her earrings. Totally awesome.

Naya Rivera
Okay, so, this is how a black dress should be worn, with curves and attitude and skin. Love it.

Jennifer Carpenter
What to say about this? She looks like a Barbie doll come to life, and I mean that as a compliment. The dress is amazing. She looks phenomenal. Almost as if she's saying, "Oh, yeah? You wanna cheat on me with one of our co-stars? Here's what you're gonna be missing for the rest of your miserably little life!" Or maybe I'm reading more in that there really is. It's possible.

Ellie Kemper
What a fun dress! I love how playful it is. I love the colors of sequins at the bottom. I love the single strap and I love how simple she's kept her hair. It's awesome.

This is Cobie Smulders. I have no idea who she is or what she does but I love her dress. It's very Grecian and very simple and a great color.

Anna Torv
Did I ever tell you that Anna guest-starred on my very secret guilty pleasure McLeod's Daughters way back in the day? Oh, yeah. She's from Australia you guys and the first time I heard her speak with her native accent all I could do was stare. Sort of like all I can do is stare at this amazing dress. Like Naya Rivera, Anna is schooling all those other starlets in the proper way to wear black - lots of curves and lots of skin. And awesome shoes! Usually you can't see the shoes because of the hemlines so this is a nice little treat.

Angela Kinsey
Pooling red silk? Soft, draping fabric? Sign me up. I love this on Angela. I especially love the waist. The gathered fabric from bust to hip is so slimming. It's completely fabulous.

Alan Ruck and Mirielle Enos
So, are these two together? I find that to be amazing. Remember when Alan was in Ferris Bueller? I feel like I've seen him in so few other things that his character will always be synonymous with him and why would Mirielle want to be with...crap, what was his character's name? CAMERON! How could I forget? Okay, so. Moving on. Cameron is looking kind of foxy. As is his lady-friend Mirielle, who I am SO not used to seeing like this. First as twin sisters on Big Love she dressed in long prairie dresses with french braids everywhere. Now on The Killing she's in jeans, a sweater and a parka 24-7. I have trouble reconciling those two (three) women with this picture. She looks glamorous and beautiful and completely stunning. Or maybe I'm just blinded by the fact that she's finally wearing make up. Who knows?

Kelly Osbourne
Okay, normally, people like Kelly are a little beneath me. For example, I didn't post a pic of Guilianna Rancic or Julianne Hough. I just don't care about those ladies and I also don't care who knows it. Kelly's a bit different, though. Before she was an E! fashion commentator she was (is) "rock royalty" (a phrase which I hate but since it applies here...) and as such she deserves a little attention. I kind of totally love this on her. The fabric is awesome, the cut and design of the dress is awesome, the mis-matched straps are awesome. Even her hair is awesome. She's come a long way from the girl with the jet black hair eating Easy Mac and complaining about all the dog piss on the carpets. Not that I ever watched The Osbournes or anything. Shut up.

Kate Flannery
I love this. I love seeing Kate all dressed up and looking so feminine. Her character on The Office is so not feminine. And the color is perfect against her red hair and the gathers of the fabric are great. Love this.
Julia Stiles
I like this, but I immediately want to compare it to Jennifer Carpenter's dress (wonder why...). It's great. She's looks totally beautiful in it. But I don't love it as much as Jen's.
Paz De La Huerta
(aka Spaz De La Huerta...has this girl EVER been photographed while sober?) In any event, I'm digging this dress except for how uneven her girls look. Oh, wait, that's hair! Yikes. Her extensions are getting away from her. My bad. Upon closer reflection, they don't look uneven after all. They look totally fine as does the dress.

Taraji P. Henson
I love this throwback to the days to the flapper. It's almost like she put on a super-fancy nightgown and wore it because it was more comfortable. It's unexpected and different and it looks great on her.

Michelle Forbes
I love this. The skirt is fun and the bodice is interesting. Her accessories contrast nicely with the black and overall I'm really digging it.

Lea Michele
Once again, Lea owes her stylist a HUGE thank you. And a gift basket. She looks amazing. I think the sleeves are SLIGHTLY aggressive, but not overly so. She's kept her hair and accessories simple to compensate and she looks really amazing.

Kerry Washington
How completely awesome is this? I love it. I love the bodice and I love the beaded skirts. Rather than a fancy necklace her collarbones are doing just fine accessorizing. She looks amazing.
Padma Lakshmi
This was the first dress I saw when I tuned into the red carpet and I immediately sat up straighter and thought, "this is a gonna be good." I wasn't disappointed. I love this on her. The bodice is very different and the color is excellent for her and she almost looks like she's glowing. I love it.

Elisabeth Moss
I was very on the fence about this. I love it, but I think it could be improved upon. I wish the sleeves were three-quarter and I wish the appliqued bling stopped at mid-thigh. Still, it's a beautiful dress and she wears it extremely well.

Christina Hendricks
Talk about va-va-voom. This is fabulous. So much better than last year. I have nothing to say except it's completely and totally awesome. In fact, it's f'awesome.
Aubrey Plaza
I love this so much. First, she's succeeded in wearing white without looking like a bride. Second, the cut of this dress is very tough to pull off yet she's totally pulling it off. I love her hair and I love the single bangle on each wrist (although it's a BIT Wonder Woman-ish) and I love her earrings. She looks amazing.
Jane Krakowski
Love it. The cut of the dress is fabulous, the gather of fabric at her hip and the embellishment there is just phenomenal. Her hair is loose but not messy and I love her accessories. She looks awesome.
Maria Bello
This is so fabulous. The design on the fabric could have stolen the show but it doesn't. It's beautiful. The cut of the dress is wonderful and she looks so happy. Awesome.

Kristen Wiig
Kristen is totally breaking the monochromatic rule which is this: if you have brown hair you shouldn't really wear a lot of brown. How do I know this? I have brown hair and my hair guy told me once that I shouldn't really wear a lot of brown. But this is almost a bronze and I love it. I don't usually like necklines that head that far south but on her it works. She looks completely awesome.

Kathy Griffin
Gotta love Kathy. She looks amazing. Did anyone see her recap of the show? I need to find it. I've never seen her in red before but she looks amazing. Great dress, great hair, and a little red lip goes a long way! Love it!

Julie Bowen
I'm not a huge fan of Julie's (though I did hear that she has a degree in Italian Renaissance studies so she's sort of growing on me) but I love this dress. She looks amazing. No argument from me, but not a lot of gushing either. Maybe when I know her better.
Emily Blunt
This is unexpectedly awesome. I love the bits of fur and feather all over and I love the simplicity of the cut. I love her hair and I love her smile. She's all, "That's right. I married John Krasinski. You know you're jealous. That's okay, you can be jealous. I would be."

Kate Winslet
I love it. I reminds me of Angela Kinsey's dress with the waist going from the bustline to the hip area - it's so flattering. She looks amazing.

Connie Britton
Was Connie the woman who played opposite Russell "Fightin Round the World" Crowe in Gladiator? I think she was, but she looks so completely different now. In a good way. This rust-colored gown is perfect for her. I love the big slit up the side and I love how casual she looks just standing there. It's almost like she's not posing, just hanging out with the photogs. Awesome.

Amy Poehler
Confession: I didn't love this on the red carpet, but here in the pics it's kind of awesome. She looks great, though I wish the sleeves had been lengthened to three-quarters. Still, the fabric is really fun and the simplicity of it is refreshing. She looks great.

Amber Riley
Love this. The fabrics gathers and the spangled capped sleeves. She looks totally amazing.

Martha Plimpton
Holy God, I love this. I can remember Martha back in the original Parenthood, married to Keanu Reeves. Back then I was just a kid and I remember thinking how hard life must be with a name like Martha (ew). Doesn't look like life is too hard now. Girlfriend is KICKING it. Love this. I love the neckline, I love the straps, I love the color, I love her accessories. I love it all. It's not just awesome, it's f'awesome. In fact, Best In Show right here, y'all. I'm calling it. She wins. Hands down.

And that's all for now. Until the next group of celebs need to be taught how to put on clothes I leave you with these words of wisdom:

If you have brown hair you shouldn't really wear a lot of brown, you should never wear a color that matches your skin, and you should NEVER wear horizontal anything. Learn from the mistakes of others. You'll thank me.



Joy said...

Such fun!

Anonymous said...

Were you up until 5 AM doing this? You have missed your calling.

Kristen said...

I can help on the unknowns. The "conservative LDS" woman in black was Sarah Conner on the TV show "Terminator: The Sarah Conner Chronicles" and currently she is one evil brother-fucker on HBO's Game of Thrones. (No really, she's having an affair with her brother on the show.)
Peach sequins is on CSI:Miami as one of the CSIs (obvs).
I have two serious disagrees on your ratings. Taraji P. Henson looks like she put on a fancy nightgown and that is NOT a good thing.
And that Paz de la Huerta person is SUCH a hot mess from the neck up that I can't even see the dress. And I just realized that she is holding the slit of the dress open, it's not a strange bi-level thing, so that's better than I thought. But still, the ratty hair and the monochromatic bronzed face with no makeup, ew.
So, that's my opinion. :)