Monday, January 16, 2012

Globes Slam 2012

Good morning possums! Don't you just love the smell of fashion in the morning? I do.

So, coming up with categories is always fun, but this year it was finally a challenge. To so many of the dresses I said, "Wow!" or "Wow." so I think those will be two of them. The third category will be "Weh" because in many cases I just couldn't work up enough energy to really have an opinion.

As always we'll start with "Wow."

Claire Danes
This has a lot more structure and edge than her dress at last year's GG, but I kind of hate it. I've never been a fan of two-tone dresses (Elizabeth McGovern & Kate Winslet, you'll get your turn) but this one in particular is just so very...Frank Lloyd Wrong.

Connie Britton
Okay, for real, I know and you know and we all know that the Globes are totally meaningless. But that doesn't mean you can show up dressed for a garden party. I mean, make a little effort.

Dianna Agron
Just off the ice from her 3-minute program, Dianna Agron waits for the judges to give their scores. Wait, what? Wrong event?


Lea Michele
What is it with my Glee girls dressing as if they're meeting up with Brian Boitano later? Ladies, even Kristi Yamaguchi is shaking her head. Also, she wants her costumes back.

Emily Watson
Is it just me or is she channeling Professor Umbrage? Dowdy, bad hair, ill-fitting clothes, big jewelry. Emily, what happened? Call Jennifer Garner. She has Rachel Zoe's number and she can take care of this. I promise. In the meantime, bras have adjustable straps. Just a little FYI. You can adjust them so that your girls aren't down by your belly-button. Still, it's nice that you're looking so cheerful through this terrible outfit.

Amanda Peet
I wonder if Amanda Googled "Ugly Bridesmaid Dresses From The 80s" and tracked this one down at a thrift store. And when people wonder things like that you know you've chosen poorly.

Salma Hayek
Did she staple a gladiator shield to her chest? Because usually her chest is the most interesting thing about her outfits but today? I don't know. I'm not used to looking Salma in the eye. It's disconcerting.

Michelle Williams
I have these in pajamas. And I have that Alice band. From back when I was EIGHT.

Zooey Deschanel
Okay, wow. There is just so much to say. First, I don't like that color on her. Green, yes, sure, fine. Emerald green. Bottle green. Pale green. Not acid, electric green. And not this particular design. I feel like I'm watching The Matrix all of a sudden.

And now for the Weh dresses:

Piper Parabo
I really like the skirt. It's got this sort of fairy tale Cinderella quality that's really pretty. The bodice however is pretty god-awful. Could it be more skin-tight? Could her body be any clearer through the fabric? It's just so aggressive.

Julie Bowen
I can't quite put my finger on why I don't like this. I think the color is wrong, it's a little too close to her skin tone. And I think the bodice is a bit droopy and could have used more support. The sleeves bug me, too. So I guess I CAN put my finger on why I don't like it. Go figure.


Sarah Paulson
I feel like this is basically the same dress as Julie's. The sleeves are a little different, but in this case the designer took "capped" and ran with it. These are over-capped sleeves. And the rest of it just seems a bit weedy.

Calista Flockhart
I've never been fan of tiered ruffles. They're no one's friend, believe me - no one looks good in them. Calista is no exception. Also? Black? Could you be more boring? I like her shoes but they look too small. Her toes look like they're pushing out over the edge.

Elizabeth McGovern
This sucks because I really like Elizabeth McGovern, and I really love her character on Downton Abbey. I don't like this two-tone dress, though. Dresses like this make it look like it's really two pieces, which I think is much less formal than a single sheath. Also, there's this old fashion rule that goes like this: if your hips are wider than your shoulders, the darker color should always go on the bottom and your top should be a lighter color. Perhaps that rule is so ingrained in my head that I am incapable of liking this but I dunno. I think I'd dislike it in any event. I do like her jewelry, though.

Freida Pinto
I would love to tell you what I think of this dress but I'm in danger of falling as--zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Heidi Klum
This is perfectly fine. No bells and whistles aside from the monster necklace. She's blowing no one out of the water. She's very safe and very, very boring.

Glenn Close
What the hell is up with that bodice? I truly don't understand what is going on there. The dress is mostly black and boring but someone decided it needed a little oomph and added that weird lip onto the top of her cleavage and I'm sorry but it just doesn't work.

Jessica Biel
As my friend Cat said, just because JT put a ring on it doesn't mean you can SLACK! This is just terrible. You're not getting married QUITE yet. Also? You're pretty much a talentless barely B-list actress, so can someone explain why the hell you keep getting invited to these things? Unless you're Justin's plus-one I just don't get it.

Jessica Chastain
First, your hair is just a bit too The Help Gone Wrong. You know you're not Bryce Dallas Howard, right? Second, your dress is too tight. Trust me, I know these things. Third, if you're going to wear a dress like this the least you can do is add foundation garments.

Julianna Margulies
For real, this woman has never been on my best dressed list and every year I keep my fingers crossed that she'll pull something out of a hat and astonish me and every year I let out a disappointed sigh. Let's start with the color, which isn't bad. However, if you're going for a dark purple/plummy kind of color, just go with it. This is one shade lighter than plum and I'm not sure it's working for you. Second, the cut of this dress is so severe that I'm shocked anyone gave it a second look. Third, when you wear a dress cut this severely you pretty much HAVE to do something with your hair other than scraping back into a knot. That only makes you look even more severe. I mean, what are you converting to Islam? Moving to Amish country? Show a little skin!

Julianne Moore
Basic black never stops being boring. NEVER. And although this tries very hard to be interesting with the ruffles and earrings (which are great), it's not succeeding.
Kate Beckinsale
This kind of dress is really hard to pull off without looking like you're waiting for your father to escort you down the aisle. Kate is not pulling it off. Also, could her lady-bits look more tortured? What the hell kind of corset is under that thing? Looks uncomfortable and boring and bridal all at once. Fail.
Nicole Kidman
For about five seconds I stared at this picture thinking it had been mislabeled. Surely that's Alicia Silverstone, not Nicole Kidman. Then I remember La Kid's penchant for face-modification and decided I could trust the Internet. Once that was resolved I stared at this for another five seconds trying to like it before deciding that if I had to try then it wasn't worth it. Aesthetically, this should be fine. It's interesting, it fits her, the bodice isn't your average run-of-the mill halter. But mostly it makes me think of wallpaper. Bathroom wallpaper. Why would someone steal the design off bathroom wallpaper and use it on a dress? It boggles the mind.

Mila Kunis
Mila, honey, I don't why, but the fabric over your right boob is whiter than the fabric over your left. All night long I was distracted every time you made an appearance on TV. It's really weird. Why would the designer do that? I don't like black over white to begin with but this just underlines the possible issues one has to contend with. Plus, it's boring black again. You're young and vibrant and this is so lame. No wonder you look miserable.

Maya Rudolph
I'll skip the diatribe on boring black, please see above for that. I think a red lip might have been a better choice than pink, but I like her hair and jewelry.

Naya Rivera
Remember a few years ago when people showed up en masse wearing sack dresses? Do you think Naya was doing an homage to those gowns? The line down the front is very distracting and although I like the capped sleeves, they can't save this sack.

Penelope Ann Miller
I love the color and I love the cut, but I want to grab it with two hands and yank it up for her. She is very precariously inside that dress and if someone were to ask her to catch something over her head she'd be flashing the world.

Rooney Mara
God save me from more basic black. At least this one has some interesting cut-outs but really, this just makes me want to fall asleep.

Shailene Woodley
I have no idea if I spelled her name right. She's on that ABC Family show about teen pregnancy but she recently played George Clooney's daughter in The Descendents, which is the only reason she's on this list. Like Penelope Ann Miller, I don't hate this but I really want to help her hike it up so she doesn't fall the crap out.

And now that that's done, we can enjoy Wow!
Viola Davis
Holy crap do I love this. The color is magic on her, the cut is perfect, her jewelry and make up are understated and lovely. I love the big slit up the side. She looks so fabulous.

Sofia Vergara
She's so much fun, isn't she? I love the jewel tone of this dress. It fits her so well and though I think her hair could have been a bit more structured, I really like this look.

Tina Fey
More jewel tones. This is a lovely showing. I love ruched fabric and I really love the gathers at the bottom. Great hair and make up. Another home-run for Tina.

Tilda Swinton
Aside from what looks like a weird toupee, this is the best I've ever seen Tilda. The color is great on her and though I'm not usually a fan of the dress/jacket combo for these things (it's hard not to look like the mother of the bride when you go that route), it totally works for her. I love it.

Reese Witherspoon
The Fug Girls said she was dressing like Jessica Rabbit and I think I agree. This sweetheart neckline is not my favorite but she looks fantastic.

Sarah Michelle Gellar
This is going to be controversial but I have to say I really kind of like this. It's fun and a little kicky. Her jewelry, hair and make up are taking a back burner to the dress and I feel like it's totally working. At first it reminded me of acid wash denim, but the more I looked at the pattern it reminded me of ink rolling through water and that's one of my favorite images.

Octavia Spencer
I really love this lilac number. The folds of the fabric are great and the color is perfect against her skin. Well done.
Nicole Ritchie
This silver sheath is the bomb. I love the straps and I love the slight design of it. I really love her hair. She looks amazing.
Paula Patton
Okay, I'm not a huge fan of canary yellow but at least the cut of the dress works on her. Apparently, Paula is married to that Thicke kid who sings. Other than that I don't know why she would be invited to attend the Globes, much less invited to give one out. Such is life.

Natalie Portman
Great color and great cut. What an interesting dress. I love that slightly darker lip at the top of the bodice. I think the waist could have been slightly higher up but I'm not going to quibble. She looks really good.
Mary J. Blige
I really love this on her. The color is that perfect champagne and it works so well with her skin tone. The cut is very daring and could have been on the boring side except for those awesome feathers at the bottom. Love it!

Mirielle Enos
I feel like I shouldn't like this but I can't help it. Maybe it's because she's so beautiful. I like the design of this dress and I really love the bodice. I never really thought about yellow working for redheads but boy does this work on her. She looks awesome.

Madonna
I really like this. The bodice is great and I love how the skirt starts sort of up by her uterus. The squares make it really fun and interesting. I don't know about the glove though. Is she channeling Michael Jackson? I really don't get it.

Melissa McCarthy
I really love this on her. So much better than the Emmy dress. The color is great and the cut and fit are perfect. I especially love the jeweled neckline. No need for a necklace, you put it on and you're done.

Laura Linney
This was much better on the red carpet, you'll have to trust me. I really love that roll of fabric and I also really love the color. The cut is so interesting and asymmetrical. Great job.

Laura Dern
I didn't like this much on the red carpet but it's growing on me (though part of me wants to lop the sleeves off). The color is perfect, the sequins are fun and the deep vee keeps it from straying too far into Amish territory.

Kate Winslet
I'm having such a hard time with this. I love the top. It's so perfect and so beautiful. I wish the bottom hadn't been white. Or I wish the whole thing had been white. Or red. Or blue! She looks great in blue.
Kristin Wiig
I don't love this but it's not heinous enough to be in either other category. I think the cut is maybe a bit too aggressive and the color a bit too pale, but overall it fits her really well and she looks beautiful (I wish she'd lighten her hair up again, though).

Kelly Osbourne
Did Kelly dye her hair pale blue/silver to match her dress? I commend the commitment to fashion but I'm not entirely sure it works. I really like the dress. The color is fab and the cut is interesting, even if the shoulder pads are a bit too pointy. Still, I love the length of the sleeves.

Kelly MacDonald
Overall, much better than the Emmy dress. Perhaps we're not quite perfect yet, but this is a marked improvement.

Kathleen Robertson
Confession: I totally don't remember her on 90210. However, if you haven't seen the Sundance Channel's The Business yet, please drop everything and check it out. She kills in it. Just like she's killing this dress. LOVE the bodice and straps. It's a white dress that's anti-bridal. She looks slammin.
Charlize Theron
I could totally get completely on board with this if it weren't for that giant hip-bow. Other than that it's pretty awesome. Love the shoes.

Amber Riley
This is really simple and pretty. I like it. It's not the most glitzy piece on the carpet but it's a far cry from the worst.

Emily Deschanel
This isn't a favorite but she's certainly not boring. I do love the color.

Jane Lynch
More basic black, which isn't great, but the plunging neckline makes it a bit more interesting. I feel like she's slouching, though. Am I wrong?

Helen Mirren
My beautiful bestie has pulled it out again! The color is like a cross between navy and royal purple. The waist is bejeweled and the feathers at the bottom make this just delicious.

Emma Stone
I really like this, eagle belt-buckle and all. Is that weird? The color is great and I love how the straps come up to these great wing-shaped cap sleeves. She looks awesome.

Evan Rachel Wood
This is almost completely awesome. The only thing I don't love is the color. It fits her so perfectly, though, and it's so gorgeous. Well freaking done.

Diane Lane
I love this on her. The golden tones offset her skin and hair beautifully. She looks amazing. The look is so Old Hollywood and I just love it.

Callie Thorne
I have never seen a dress like this one before and I'm so sorry to say that because it's beautiful. First, the color is great on her and the cut is just fantastic. I love the layers of fabric and I love the appliques on the gown. She looks amazing.

Busy Phillips
She seems to be channeling Elizabeth Taylor and doing an hell of of a job. I really like this even though it has the potential for looking like a sack dress. I don't see any kind of sack when looking at this. And I love how her hair isn't just up, but it complements the era of the dress. She looks awesome.
Amy Poehler
Another potential sack dress saved by I don't know what. I wish her sleeves had been a full three-quarters long, or capped, but other than that I really like this. I like her in gold and I like the simplicity of this gown.

Angelina Jolie
I don't understand why in interviews she's very cordial and polite and in pictures she's Ice Queen Extraordinaire. What's up with that? Her dress is awesome, though, I gotta give her that. I love the folds of fabric at her midsection. I really like the asymmetry of the neckline and I love that her clutch matches the red perfectly. I think her red lip is maybe carrying matching too far but hell, she's Angelina Freaking Jolie, Ice Queen Home Wrecker from the planet Perfection. She does what she wants and she knows we'll lap it up.

And for the first time EVER I can't decide on the Best In Show. I feel like it's a toss up between Viola, Diane, Evan and Laura Dern. What do you think? Leave a comment and the lady who gets the most votes wins.

The votes are in! Viola wins Best in Show! And she really deserves it, too. Love this!

Until next time, mwah! Love you! Mean it!

Ciao!

3 comments:

Joan said...

For me, it is either Viola or Angelina.

Lindsay said...

Im gonna have to go with Viola for Best in Show :)

Kate said...

Two for Viola are enough for me!! Thanks, ladies!