Monday, January 30, 2012

Sag Slam 2012

Good morning, my lovely possums!! Mondays aren't so bad when you know they'll be filled with the unapologetic mockery of celebrities, am I right?

To tell the truth, I got so caught up in the anticipation of the Oscars that I completely forgot about the SAGS and didn't even watch them. Luckily, twitter lit up last night alerting me to my negligence and this morning I hied it to my computer and started gathering pics.

Many are wonderful. Many are NOT. Some are a little boring. However, since I'm pressed for time today I'm not going to organize them into categories, I'm just going to comment on them as they fell, except for two. At the very end as always there'll be a Best In Show award. In addition, and for perhaps the first time in Slam history, there'll also be a Worst In Show award.

Can you even bear the excitement? Me, neither. Let's go!

Kristin Wiig
I really like this in theory, but the choker at her throat is ruining it for me. The halter is so high that the choker makes me think of a dog collar and Kristin Wiig is no dog. She's so distracted me that I didn't even notice how awesomely she's carrying off the wearing of the white without looking like a bride. Well done, Kristin! Just, next time, focus your bling on your arms and ears if there's not enough room left on your neck.

Shailene Woodley
It's like she's taken one thing from her movie with George Clooney (Hawaii) and plastered it all over her body in the most unflattering color ever. Don't get me wrong. I love blue, and I love blue and orange together - usually I love it best on a man's necktie, though. Here it seems garish and out of step with the rest of the crowd, and not in a good way.

Paz Vega
This was the only pic I could find of her but I wanted to post it as an example of a two-tone dress I don't hate. It works because the top, with it's silky folds, and the bottom, all shiney and sleek, looks like a tuxedo for a woman when put together. Paz is bringing. it. all over the place.

Viola Davis
This woman can freaking pick a dress! Or perhaps her stylist is just really talented, honestly it could be either. Whatever, though, this rocks. She's showing some skin but the appliqued gold distracts the eye and you don't really notice that you're staring at her girlie-bits because the design and pattern are so lovely. I don't know how she keeps knocking it out of the park but I'd like to give her a pat on the back. It's amazing that she's the same woman who played Abilene in The Help.

Jenna Ushkowitz
I'm not sure this could get much worse. The floral pattern is more suited to a garden party than an awards show. The cut-outs are jarring with the white edging, and the skirt ends at mid-thigh leaving this filmy, drapy fabric falling to her feet in what looks to be what the Fug Girls would call a shower curtain for her legs. Bad. Very bad.

Tilda Swinton
Not setting the world on fire with this dress but certainly not burning any bridges either. It's understated, simple, and it fits her really well. I give it one thumb up.

Sofia Vergara
Do you think Sofia ever gets tired of being the hottest woman in the room? Because good god! I have nothing to add to this.

Octavia Spencer
Like the lilac dress she wore to the Globes, this dove gray gown is really beautiful. I don't love the way the waist seems to be knotted the way you would knot a towel, but I'll cut her a lot of slack. She looks good.

Kyra Sedgewick
I cannot believe that Kyra and Kevin have been together for 20-something years. And they both still look reasonably good. This is a great color on her, the cutouts are fun and not overly ambitious. They complement the neckline beautifully and she looks really happy and relaxed.

Zoe Saldana
Were they getting rid of the costumes from Little House on the Prairie last week? Because I really want to assume that she raided the boxes and grabbed one of Ma's sheerer numbers for putting Pa through his paces. Rest in Peace, Michael Landon.

Maya Rudolph
This two tone isn't working quite as well as I'd want it to, but it's still really pretty and she looks good.

Meryl Streep
I think the older Meryl gets the more she likes to give the single finger salute to the world at large and Hollywood in particular. What the hell is this supposed to be? A dress with a big shawl belted down to keep it from blowing away? Are those formal shorts? I can't even tell. And it makes me sad.
Rose Byrne
Speaking of sad. There are just so many things wrong with this. 1.) Rose, honey, this is a formal event and despite what you may have heard there's no such thing as formal pants. 2.) In addition, there's no such thing as a formal JUMPSUIT. Not since Elvis, anyway. 3.) If you decide to wear pants out in public (and I'm all for it in general) you need to HEM your pants so that the tips of your shoes at a minimum are showing. 4.) Please find a different haircut. I want to say that from the waist up you look stunning but I CAN'T. Ahem.

Natalie Portman
I really want to like this. The color is excellent and it fits her really well, but that weird flowering fabric boob-extender is really distracting. I mean, what is it's purpose? Take my advice: lop it off and at your waist add a sparkling little clip. Trust me.

Busy Phillips
Was she too busy to find a dress? Was she helping Zoe paw through old LHOP costumes? Did she decide to go Meryl's route and tell the world through her actions that she doesn't care what anyone thinks of her? Because...let me tell you, Busy, you look awful. And I've seen you look so wonderful. What the hell happened?

Naya Rivera
I don't think she could look any more smoking hot than she does right now. the color is great and the design is really beautiful. So much more interesting that just plain sequins. The plunge is a bit much for me but when you've paid money for 'em, I guess you wanna show 'em off. Nicely done.

Gretchen Mol
Ugh. Why does Gretchen always do this to me? She shows up and people think, "So she's finally gone all the way batshit crazy, then? Okay, cool." This looks like something the 70s threw back. It's not horrible but it's just not very pretty or flattering, either.

Lea Michele
Omg, Lea, we get it. You're a freaking sex-kitten. Men want to be with you and women want to be you. Triple threat: singer, actor, goddess extraordinaire. I don't know why I was so enamored of you when you first hit the red carpets and why I'm so over you now, but I think it's because in pictures you look like you take yourself way too seriously. Smile, maybe? There's no reason to glower at the camera so imperiously. That's Angelina Jolie's schtick and and she's better at it than you.

Melissa McCarthy
I'm not sure I'm loving this. I'm all for draping fabric but this seems to accentuate curves that you'd rather hide (or, on my body I try to hide them). The color is good and at least it doesn't have pockets, but everything just seems a little off here.

Jayma Mayes
I really like this. It's very simple and understated and you know about my love for capped sleeves. It seems to maybe fit her just a tiny bit small in the area of her uterus, but I'm not going to quibble.

Heather Morris
At first I really like this. Then I noticed the shower curtain over her legs and realized that it's just a short cocktail dress with a train tacked on in back, and the sheer fabric tacked on in front. Not acceptable awards show wear, I'm afraid. I do love the off the shoulder look, though.

Jane Lynch
Okay, not for nothing, but I feel like I've seen this on Jane a million times, just in different colors. She looks fine, great in fact, but I'm bored.

Jessica Lange
I kind of love this. It fits her great, it's sleek and simple, it's sparkly and the neckline is very flattering. She's letting her collar bones be her decoration and they're doing a bang-up job. Nicely done.
Julianna Margulies
Finally! Julianna wears something I don't hate on sight!! It's a miracle! Can I get an AMEN?! Okay, okay. She looks SLIGHTLY bridal in this, but it's not fatal. It fits her well, the little flowers are sweet and her shoulders look amazing.

Judy Greer
Speaking of bridal. I love Judy Greer and I love her hair and make here up so I really wish I loved this dress but I don't. From the waist up she looks so demure and prim and delicate, so I think it's the skirt that's ruining it for me, but I really can't put my finger on it. It's very 70s bride, though.

Kate Flannery
It's amazing to see Kate Flannery at awards shows because on the Office she's easily the dowdiest person in the room every day. So when she cleans up and puts on a gown I'm always delighted to see how much she's bringing to the party. This color is perfect for her and the cut and design are great. I love the straps, so much more interesting that just skinny strips of fabric. She looks amazing.
Jenna Fischer
I've given Jenna a hard time over the years but it looks like she's finally figured it out. This is really lovely. The color is great on her, it hugs her post-baby bod in a really flattering way but it's not overly ornate or flowery as in the past. Well done.

Emma Stone
I remember a few years ago Tina Fey wore something similar to the Globes and people hated it. I loved it and I really love this too. It's playful and pretty without being dragged down by the gloomy color. The shoes are fabulous and she looks awesome.

Emilia Clarke
Okay, confession: I love her on Game of Thrones. I think she's going to be a force to be reckoned with in Season 2. She is no kind of force here, though. It's another two-tone dress I hate. The top seems overly stiff and the bottom overly soft and feathery. They don't seem to match very well and I don't understand why anyone would put them together.

Glenn Close
What a change from the GG dress. She looks very feminine and soft here and I think it's because of the sheer, gauzy sleeves. The bodice is maybe a little too structured for me but I think it works in the overall design of the dress. She looks great.

Tina Fey
This isn't bad. I'm not sure I love the drooping of the silver fabric up top (it just makes me think of drooping boobs) but this is the kind of two-tone dress I can usually get behind. She looks really good.
Julie Bowen
What an interesting dress. and I don't mean that in the Midwestern Interesting=Awful/Ridiculous/Stupid definition. I really mean interesting to look at. The sleeves are great, showing off her guns and her gown itself is a great color for her. I love the draping bodice and I guess I just love it overall. She looks really great.

Emily Blunt
I've seen this dress a million times before but I really like the color Emily chose. It fits her really well and overall I have no complaints.

Jessica Chastain
This is a a little too understated for me. The color is good but that's about the only thing of interest to talk about. I do really love her Old Hollywood hair, though.

Angelina Jolie
I have very little to say about this. It fits her, it's hiding what could be referred to a food baby or a real baby (the rumor mill has been lousy with baby talk this week) and I mean, she's La Jolie. She almost always looks awesome and tonight is no exception.

Dianna Agron
This is pretty fabulous. She looks girlish and feminine and very pretty. The color is great, the cut of the dress is lovely and she looks really good.

Michelle Williams
Another very interesting dress. the asymmetrical neckline under the lace is so fun, and the lace is pretty rather than fussy. The color isn't awesome; it's a little too melon for my taste but at least it's not full-on orange. I'm not loving her bridesmaidy dyed to match the dress shoes, though.

Worst in Show
Jane Krakowski
Can someone please get Jane on the phone and ask her for me what the HELL she was thinking? Because for the love of gawd this is terrible. It looks like ants are attacking her boobs which she was helpfully flashing the crowd of photogs. Definitely the worst of the night.


Best in Show
Diane Lane
This, I love. The color is fabulous, the cut is perfect, it fits her body beautifully and that extra piece of drapy fabric adds to the look, rather than taking away from it (Natalie Portman). Her hair, jewelry and accessories are perfectly chosen and she looks totally amazing. Well freaking done.

And that's all, folks. Another awards show, and another Slam. Until next time, please stay away from horizontal stripes (learn the lesson that Busy Phillips has taught us all) and stay warm out there!

xo

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