Monday, February 13, 2012

Grammy Slam 2012

Hello and welcome to the Grammy Slam! As I mentioned in last year's Grammy Slam, I don't follow music the way some other people in my house do, so I probably won't know who a lot of these people are. However, just because I don't know them doesn't mean I don't have an opinion on them.

As with the last Slam, I'm rather pressed for time so instead of breaking them up into categories, I'm just going to throw them up and leave them where they lie, commenting as we go. Sound good?

Let's begin!!

Val Kilmer
The one and only solo male and for good reason. Normally, I don't comment on the men, but Val I need to make an exception for since when I first looked at the pic I though maybe it was a slimmed down Vince Neil. Nope. Turns out it's a swollen up Val Kilmer. Val, baby, have a salad, maybe? Jeez.

Taylor Swift
Okay, it's really hard to kick Taylor when she's down, and this isn't bad, as it goes, but it's a bit too scraped back and tied down for my liking. The very high collar should have been offset by her flowing locks. But no, her hair is pulled and tied and stiff and she looks like she might be channeling a younger version of Violet Crawley, the Dowager of Downton Abbey.

Yvette Nicole Brown
This isn't the worst, but I can't tell if that's supposed to be an over-sized sweater with leather pants or a sweater dress with leather leggings. I'm not sure it works as dress/leggings, but the sweater/pants route seems way too casual for a major awards show. Plus, she's got no bling on and her hair is just sort of there. This is what I would wear to have dinner with girlfriends. It seems slightly underwhelming for the event she's at.

Tierney Sutton
I like this in theory. The color is great and she seems very confident but the excess fabric under her sleeves makes it look like she hasn't been keeping to her pre-event diet and the designer added a little pocket where she could let it all hang out and not worry about looking a little pudgy. Which is a shame because it's obvious that she's not excessively pudgy. She looks very svelte, once you really look. Initially, though, it's not super flattering.

Tia Carrere
Speaking of extra pockets of fabric to hold a little gut. This is really unflattering.

Tamara Braun
And speaking of guts. I really like this in theory too. The color is great, the design is kicky and fun, but I feel like it was cut a little too tight across her uterus.

Skylar Grey
And we have the first of our Batshit Crazy Contingent. Except it's not really that bad, but her very aggressive lipstick makes me feel like she might take my first born son hostage. The dress is just eh. It's like she found it in the back of some second hand bridal shop and decided to give it a whirl. Unfortunately, it's shapeless and the absolute wrong length for her legs. Ankle or just below the knee would have been fine. Mid-calf gives her fence-post legs.

Taraji P. Henson
Can I just say that I love the "P." in her name? Like there are so many Taraji Hensons out there that we need to differentiate her with the "P." Anydress, I am SO not sold on this. I think either white or leopard would have been fine, but I'm not loving the two-tones together. Also, I really hate the transition between white and leopard. It's unflattering. Essentially, it's a horizontal line right across her mid-section and let's all take a moment and remember the rule about horizontal lines. That's right. We can't trust them. And neither can Tarji.

Shawna Thompson
I really want to like this, and I think I would if it weren't for the very elaborate gold embellishments around her hips, which I might add are usually not something you want to embellish. Usually, you want to minimize hips. Just saying.

Sasha Gradiva
Okay, the frothy pink confection of a dress is so utterly divine. I love it and I'm going to try very hard to ignore the machine gun that is strapped to her arm and upper body because that is just so far batshit crazy that I'm not sure I can even talk about it.

For the love of the little baby Jesus. Did you call your stylist and say, "Yeah, I think this year I'd like to try for something unflattering, ugly, awkward and non-fitting"? Because if so, well done. The skirt is too tight, the butt-cape is weird and awkward, the shoes are ugly and the sleeves are horrible. Also, you need a new haircut.

This is the least batshit I've ever seen her look. The dress is fine, if a bit too hello-here's-my-sternum. I'm not digging her hair, though. It seems like a spiral perm/dye job gone wrong.

Sheila E
Formal shorts? Sheila E? I mean, come on. This is the GRAMMY awards. Everything else about this I like, including your shoes, but I cannot sign off on formal shorts.

Porcelain Black
Everything about you, including your name, seems to be an affectation, and I cannot abide an affectation unless it's Maude Lebowski's way of talking. Are you really flashing your green granny panties at us? Are you really wearing a glorified bathrobe? Do your accessories really match the green granny panties? I don't know who you are, but you can go now.

Paris Hilton looking surprisingly clean-cut. The gown works on her and while I don't love the center cut panel I can live with it. The cap sleeves are very cute and the belt is perfectly placed.

Pauley Perrette
I wore this once as a Halloween costume. I was a good and funky witch. You quite possibly are also of the occult except I don't think a witch would wear Mary Janes, even platform ones. I am so very not buying this outfit as acceptable for the Grammys. This is a Halloween costume, or a night out clubbing with friends. This is not major award show material.

Rebecca Black
I won't toy with you by making a Friday joke. However, I will say that she looks like she's totally ready for her Winter Formal, which probably will happen on a Friday evening after school. Which is to say that she looks totally fine. She looks her age and her shoes are cute and tho it's slightly boring, she's not embarrassing herself.

Mika Newton
I don't love this, but I don't really hate it either. The cut outs are fine and not too much, though the bodice is a bit low. Her hair is loose and pretty. It's not setting the world on fire, but hell, neither is she.

Michelle An
Could she have put in less effort? The slip dress is terrible and the shoes look like the kind you can dye to match your bridesmaid dress. If I had any idea who she was I'd be ashamed of her.

Melanie Fiona
Pure awesome. It fits her, the design isn't obnoxious, her hair is great and her accessories are fun. Ladies, take note. Some approximation of this is how you should look when you leave the house for an awards show.

This is fun. I like the double shoulder strap and I like her hair and I really like her shoes. I wish the skirt had been just a HAIR longer but such is life.

Miranda Lambert
I've given Miranda her share of digs over the years but this is actually pretty great. It's a great color on her, the design is very feminine and lush and her hair is really pretty. Full marks.

Lily Aldridge
I wish I could just delete this so I wouldn't have to comment on it. It's so unattractive in the worst way - the blah way. There's nothing positive to say about it. It's ugly. The wet-looking droop of the flowers on the fabric against a black background is depressing and there's so much of it that it makes me want to find a corner to cry in.

I really like this. I just wish it had been slightly bigger in the bodice. Like, another size bigger.

Kelly Rowland
Lovely. She looks awesome. It fits her, the gathers at her waist are flattering and the silver embellishments are reminiscent of Halle Barry's famous Oscar dress. Why NOT go sleeveless when you've got arms like that?

Katy Perry
I really, really like this. I love the color, I love the design and I love the fabric. I do not love her blue hair.
Malin Ackerman
I want to like this, but the extra fabric around her hips just isn't flattering. I wish it had been more streamlined.

Kathy Griffin
I was just the other day wishing for more of this color of the red carpet. I love how buttery and soft it is. And with the gathers to one side she looks amazing. I'm not sure I love the tiny spaghetti strap, but I can learn to live with it.

Kelly Price
Great color, I love this dark pink, and the straps/sleeves are really pretty and feminine. I'm not sure I like the cut of the dress, though. I'm not sure it's as flattering as it could be. Also, maybe a barrette to keep your hair out of your eyes next time?

Kate Beckinsale
This is nice, but I'm a little bored with it. How many strapless white dresses does she own? The folds are fun but slightly less flattering than they have been in the past. The long black bow is okay but it's a detail the dress didn't need.
Jane Seymour
Smoking hot for a woman of any age, but doubly so for someone who's, let's face it, not young anymore. She looks amazing.

Kelly Osbourne
I wish the fad of dying your hair to match your dress would end already. I don't like it. I do like the dress, though. It's really flattering and fun and pretty.

Joy Williams
This is okay. I don't love the faux straplessness of it all, but I can live with it and I really like the shoes.
Julianne Hough
This is kind of awesome. It's sexy and sleek and although there are multiple horizontal lines you don't really notice them. Or rather, you notice how they accentuate her silhouette, which is even better. Nicely done.

Jessie J
I don't understand this. Or maybe I just don't like it. It feels very heavy, but maybe that's because her bangs are so thick and awful.

Jamie Grace
She's trying to be an Asian cowboy? Or is that not the top of a kimono paired with boots? With pink hair? And an uneven skirt? There's too much going on here. In the future, pick one thing and work with it.

Joyce Didonato
Love this. She looks so beautiful. The colors are perfect, the cut is excellent and the gold accents do their job - they accent the dress in such a lovely way.

Hillary Scott
This also feels too heavy for some reason. More so than if it had just been plain black, which, though easy and boring, would have been fine.

Greta Bech
I would have loved this if it had been cocktail length and if that weird V had been removed from the bodice. The color is fun, who doesn't love gold lamee? And the sleeves are gorgeous - I love a pair of capped sleeves, as you know. But as is, she looks like a little kid going to a friend's birthday party.

Oh, Fergie. I just don't understand. And I feel like you don't WANT to understand what's wrong with this. For one thing, nice girls don't wear dresses that are THIS see-through. For another, I know you're not really a nice girl but you've been sort of pretending to be one since hooking up with Josh and I don't get the back-sliding. Third, this is a TERRIBLE color on you. Fourth, can we please acknowledge how awful those puffed sleeves are? Finally, did they have to be granny panties? Couldn't you have made the point without resorting to grossing us all out?

Esperanza Spalding
From the waist up she looks awesome. From the waist down it's a mess of color and not in a good way. It's just not flattering in an overall sort of way. Meh.

Deana Carter
I really want to like this but I just can't. The color is fine, but the cut and draping of it is just not flattering. She looks like she's hiding a food baby.

Cyndi Lauper
For the love of God, Cyn, could you please dial it back a notch? The tuxedo dress, the lacy corset, the two-tone hair, the giant slit down the side, and the gold epaulettes? Really? You needed it all? I disagree. A simple tuxedo dress with a silhouette and and some leg would have been just perfect.

Diana Ross
Is she channeling Wonder Woman? I can think of no other reason for the giant matching cuffs. Or, are they actual cuffs on her jacket? It's really difficult to tell and unfortunately, they make her look slightly batshit. Great shoes, though.

Bonnie Raitt
Okay, if you're going to go with black pants and a shiny top did you have to choose brown? I mean, come on. This is the Grammys.

Bonnie Mckee
We are are full-on batshit levels of crazy here. Fringe running the length of one's body is only acceptable if and when you're actually promoting the sci-fi phenom Fringe staring Anna Torv and the delectable Joshua Jackson.

Nicki Minaj - Worst In Show
Full-on Batshit Crazy-pants has entered the building. I worry that she's really just a talentless hack a la Milli Vanilli who lip-sincs everything and fears that the only way to remain relevant is to dress the part of an eccentric artist so well that no one could ever question her. Dear Nicki, Gaga has that covered. Please stop with the clothes and the wigs and please get her to stop too. We're OVER it. Love, EVERYONE

Carrie Underwood
She is very close to being named Best if Show. This is fantastic. It covers everything without looking Amish, it's white without looking bridal, it got movement but it's not baggy. And her hair and accessories are great.

Adele and Carrie might actually share the award this year as they appear to be the yin and yang of Grammy fashion. Like Carrie's, this is just so lovely on her. I love the length of her sleeves and I love the sequins.

And so it is decided - Carrie and Adele are the winners of Best In Show this year!!

Until next time, peeps! Stay away from horizontal stripes and layer like crazy - it's cold out there!!



Becky said...

I hate to give Paris Hilton Best in Show, but, for me, she was. I just love everything about that dress.

And I'm a sucker for sexy black dresses so RiRi is a close second.

A highly entertaining and informative commentary, as usual. :)I was wondering what you'd think of some of these girls' duds when I was watching them on the red carpet.

Best comment: On Michelle An - "If I had any idea who she was I'd be ashamed of her."


Kate said...

So glad you enjoyed, Bex!

Kristen said...

Go look at the pic of Malin Ackerman. The way her head is posed in front of the grammy symbol combined with the short white dress TOTALLY makes her look like "Naughty Nurse Malin"! lol!