Oscar Slam 2012

Hello, my lovely possums!!! It's that time of year again! The Oscars are here! Well, were here. Last night. Yay!

I'm going to continue to not categorize since no one seems to mind and it makes the process go SO much faster and I think the sooner you get to see what I think the happier everyone is, right? Here we go!

Virginia Madsen
I really like this color on her but the cut and style aren't terribly flattering. I'm not usually a fan of turquoise but her earrings offer a nice contrast to the purple. I sort of wish her lipstick were a bit more colorful but I won't complain too loudly. Her hair looks a BIT like she stuck her finger in a light-socket, which is what I'd rather complain about. Maybe a bit smoother all around next time, V?

Viola Davis
Another jewel-tone gown for Viola and it is lovely. The bodice is a bit more cleavage-y than I'd normally like. (we get it ladies. you have boobies.) but it's not trampy looking (J. Lo., I'm looking at you), and the diagonal cut in the skirting adds to the design. I really, really like this a lot.

Meryl Streep
Finally, Meryl shows up this awards season in something respectable. Thank god it was for the Oscars. The gold material makes her skin glow and the drape-y folds wrap her body up like she's a statuette herself. I love the 3/4 sleeves and I love that her only jewelry are earrings. She looks stunning.

Wendi McLendon-Covey
I remember a few years ago Marcia Cross wore something similar to this but it was tea-length. I liked it then and I like it now. It's so feminine and pretty. The bodice is beautiful with the detail work and I like how it follows the tulle down her skirt. Her hair is back but loose and her jewelry is understated. She looks great.

Shailene Woodley
Ugh. What the hell? We invite you to the OSCARS even though all you've ever done is that horrible teen-prego show on ABC Family and a George Clooney movie and this is how you repay us? At least no one could accuse you of looking bridal, I guess, but overall, this dress is a nightmare. It looks like something Princess Leia might wear in her downtime, just kicking around the castle waiting for Han to show up for dinner.

Rooney Mara
Okay, did Boob Hoods come into vogue when I wasn't looking? No? I didn't think so. Rooney, what the freaking hell is this? If it weren't for that disastrous bodice we could be friends but dude I don't want anyone seeing us together and thinking that I somehow condoned this travesty.

Kelly Ripa
This isn't bad. I like the cut of the dress and though I'm not a fan of white, the double belt keeps it from looking too bridal. I really like the straps and the rest of the bodice, too. She looks awesome.

Rose Byrne
Seriously, could you please get rid of those awful bangs soon? You're starting to influence people who don't know any better (Ellie Kemper, I'm looking at you) and I'm worried that you'll start thinking it looks good, which it doesn't. The rest of this look is fine if a bid ho-hum. This is the Oscars, okay? It's, like, the fanciest event of the YEAR and you wear black? Sure the cut of it is great and flattering and the sequins are fun but I'm so bored I could cry right now. That's right Rose, you've made me cry. Way to go.

Sherri Shepherd
Speaking of so bad I could cry, what in the Sam Hill is this tom-foolery? The color is great, I could never deny that. But the bodice is totally off the rails. Maybe if the sleeves weren't there it wouldn't feel like there was SO much going on. I have nothing else to say here. Except for real, Sherri, go home and crack a book. If you can't look nice at Oscar time, the least you can do is know that the world is round.

Penelope Ann Miller
Remember her in Kindergarten Cop? That's the last movie I saw her in so forgive me if my pop-culture references are a slightly aged. I don't know why she's been invited back into the fold but I'm totally digging this outfit. The fabric is lush and the cut and bodice are beautiful. I love her bling and her hair and makeup. She looks totally fab.

Gwyneth Paltrow
I really want to swear right now but I know my gramma reads this blog and I don't want her to think a dress can make me lose it, but LORD. Let's just leave the cape aside for a second and concentrate on the dress. It's pretty. I like the bodice and the over-one-shoulder strap. It's white and therefore boring but that's not the end of the world. We've seen G in much much worse. However reasonably boring the dress is, though, the cape holds a gun to it's head and forces it to take a flying leap off the Cliffs of Insanity. And Westley isn't there to drag it back up with a rope, rather it falls and crashes on the rocks below, never to be saved or salvaged. Which is a blessing because I just CAN'T.

Octavia Spencer
I am so loving this. It's like J.Lo's dress but less hoochie-mama. The lines coming out from her belly are subtle and subdued as opposed to obvious and needy. It's simple, yet refined and age-appropriate. Well done, O-Spence.

Natalie Portman
How many gods do I need to pray to to keep actresses from busting out polka dots at the Oscars. Ladies, this is no time to channel Minnie Mouse, however much you may love her. Yes, have fun and be playful but please leave the polka dots at home. If this had been a solid color I would have given her full marks. It's not a terrible dress and I like her necklace, but as is, I just can't deal with it.

Penelope Cruz
Wow. She looks stunning. This color is amazing on her and the design of the gown is beautiful. So feminine and so pretty. Her hair and jewelry are gorgeous and the whole package is just perfect.

Maya Rudolph
I like this for the most part. The color is great and great on her and her hair and make up are spot-on. I like the silver accent at her waist but I could have done without the silver sleeves. They look heavy. I wish the designer had done capped sleeve in the same plummy color. That would have made me so happy.

Melissa McCarthy
In the same way that Meryl's dress was just drape-y enough, this is a little too drape-y. Or maybe there's just too much going on. I'm not sure why I dont like it exactly. I like the color. I like the silver accent belt. I don't like the matching silver halter at her neck. I don't like the sleeves, they're a little too billowy for me, and I really don't like the bodice. The color of the dress is maybe too fleshy because that combined with the folds make her chest seem like it's the only thing in the picture.

Melissa Leo
This isn't terrible. I can deal with a two-tone dress like this. I like that the two colors are gold and black rather than black and white. I do NOT like the fabric bow at her waist. We are not seven years old. If you need to cinch in your waist get the designer to do a belt in black sequins so that it blends in and doesn't disrupt the line of the gown. Who doesn't know that?

Milla Jovovich
This is awesome. I love the shoulder strap and the line of fabric going to her ribcage on the opposite side. I like her hair and make up and really she looks awesome. It didn't even occur to me until now that it's white and therefore boring and bridal. Now, that says something.

Michelle Williams
Okay, I'm so not down with the color. I know it's probably meant to be tropical but it's coming off orange. Also, I really don't like the hip-flare that's going on. She's a very thin woman who seems to be trying to look heavy. I do like the little bow at her waist but it's not enough to save this look.

Lea Thompson
Okay, first, Lea, you're my favorite thing about that awful show you're on. I will never stop dvr'ing it just so I can hang out with you once a week. However, you and I both know that this is the sackiest of all sack dresses. What is going on with the bodice? Are you even wearing a bra? I don't understand. The color is great and the fabric is great. How did two greats make a wrong this bad?

Leslie Mann
Loving this color on her. So few people wear navy that really shows up as navy on camera. I love the little bit of sequins in her midsection and I love that it's cut in half by a swath of fabric. She looks totally amazing.

Kristin Wiig.
I'm only going to ask this once: what in the hell is this tom-fuckery? (sorry, gramma.) I asked you to dress UP for the Oscars. Also? Have you been getting work done? Because you don't look like yourself. Wait, is it possible that you saw yourself in the mirror that afternoon and said, "Oh, hell no, where's my look-alike who doesn't quite look totally like me? She's up tonight." Because that would be totally understandable. First, what do we always say about beige dresses? They're incredibly dicey because you want something that will complement your skin tone, not match it. Also, the ruffles on the skirt start way too low for your hips. Someone should have brought them up a bit. Finally, I want to grab your bodice and hike it up for you. It doesn't look comfortable, it looks like you might flash the cameras later. So disappointing.

Jane Seymour
I gotta level with you, I'm not loving this. The red is fun but the Vs in it are a little obvious, you know? I wish it had just all been one steady color. That would have been nice.

Angelina Jolie
Black again. What a shock. And she's showing a little leg, which seems a little needy. She should have saved that for walking the red carpet not posing. The bodice is kind of interesting, I guess, but I'm not swooning over it. I guess at least I should be happy that it's not another sack dress. But I'm not.

Jennifer Lopez
Lordy. Talk about advertising that you're single again. It's a little obvious, don't you think? And the cut-outs in the sleeves seem to be overkill. How much skin do you need to show, for heaven's sake?

Tina Fey
I feel like this is what she wore last year. And that's disappointing. Please, Tina, mix it up a bit, okay? Call Rachel Zoe and she'll hook you up.

Ellie Kemper
This dress is fabulous. I love the color, it works so great on you. And I love the cut and design. I do NOT love your Rose Byrne-esque hair. One sausage roll curl as bangs? Dammit, this isn't the 80s! You can do so much better!

Cameron Diaz
I'm kind of digging this. I like the skirting a lot. It takes what would have been a plain white strapless and turns it into something dramatic and interesting.

Emma Stone
First, the color is awesome. Second, I wouldn't normally want to see a giant neck-bow but something about this doesn't offend. It's soft and feminine. Her accessories work great and her hair, rather than clashing with the color of the dress, looks awesome.

Sandra Bullock
Seriously, are you against looking pretty or something? The two-tone dress is bad enough, but the silver belt that looks like it's attacking your mid-section? That just looks painful. I know you're a new mom and everything but these things matter, okay? Make a tiny effort next time. For me.

Chris Corbett and Bo Derek
First of all, I don't know who to high-five first, Bo for getting a much younger and very hot Chris, or Chris for getting the legendary and still totally hot Bo. I wanna just do a group hug maybe and send over a round of drinks. I love Bo's royal purple gown. It's sleek and age-appropriate. She's not trying to compete with the little girls and therefore she totally is. She looks slammin.


Jessica Chastain - Worst in Show
Ugh. I didn't like it when Beyonce did it and I don't like it here either. Damask is wallpaper, okay? We do not use damask for dresses. And yes, I know that this isn't EXACTLY damask but it's damn close enough. The weeds at the bottom of her dress make me worry that they'll soon take over completely and that thought is terrifying.

Glenn Close - Best in Show
Holy hell, this woman is hot. First, love the color, love the cut and design of the dress. Love the jacket, love the train. Love her hair, love her attitude. She looks so completely amazing.

And that's all, folks! Have an awesome day and see you again soon!

Ciao!