Monday, September 24, 2012

Emmy Slam 2012

Hello, Possoms, and welcome to another Emmy Slam!  We've got a lot to get through today so let's just dive in, okay?  As always, I haven't organized the dresses into good, bad or other, I've just thrown 'em up and shot from the hip.  Ready?

 Amy Poehler
Fresh off the news that her marriage is dunzo, Amy looks FAB.  The dress, the hair, it all works.  This is very old Hollywood and so flattering.  Love it.
Brooke Burke Charvet
I really like the idea of this dress (and really, she's totally pulling it off), but I don't love the waves down the front.  It feels a bit too structured.  Also, that gaping space at her hips really calls attention to the fact that her lady-garden is right there.  Eh.

Christina Hendricks
Of all the gowns I've seen on her over the last few years, this is one of the best.  It's sleek, it fits her, it accommodates her hourglass body, the color is FAB and her accessories are perfect.  I think after that amazing green velvet number from about five years ago, this is my next favorite color on her.

Jessica Pare
I feel like this could have been really boring.  It's understated, but sleek, she doesn't look like she's waiting for the maid of honor to show up and I love her hair.  It's another very Old Hollywood look and she's totally pulling it off.

Julie Bowen
This is a very difficult color to wear but she's totally doing it and working it.  The folds of the dress are really flattering and the little bump of fabric at her knees really works.  She looks lovely.

Sofia Vergara
Okay, listen.  We get it.  You're very, very sexy.  Let's leave aside for a moment the fact that I think the dress is gorgeous.  Mother of god, it fits perfectly, the color is great and the shimmering sequins are stunning.  Let's instead talk about the lack of disparity among your gowns.  They're all sex-pot dresses.  The day you show up to an awards do wearing something understated and lovely is the day you get Best in Show (as long as it's also, you know, awesome).

 Zooey Deschanel
From the waist up I want to grab the bodice with both hands and hike it up before she loses more than her dignity.  From the waist down I want to play in the diaphanous folds of fabric and enjoy the frothiness of it all.  Sadly, alliteration will only get you so far.

Anna Chlumsky
This looks like something a much older actress would wear after their glam days are over but they still wanna bring the zing.  You know, lovely readers, that I am no fan of black lace over another fabric.  It ages you.  It can't help it, it's lace, that's what it does.  Also, the chevron pattern of the skirt is distracting.  There's nothing really horribly WRONG here, I just don't like it.

Anna Gunn
The first time I met Anna she was Seth Bullock's wife on Deadwood.  Now she's Walter White's wife on Breaking Bad.  Which is to say that I don't think I've ever seen her looking so amazing.  I love the dress.  The folds are so flattering.  The color is gorgeous on her.  Her hair might be a WEE bit too severe, but I won't hold it against her.  Overall, she's killing it.

Ashley Judd
Speaking of hair.  This look is pretty great except for the fact that her hair is so high it just asked me if I wanted to order some pizza before passing out on the couch while watching the Venture Brothers.  I mean.  She looks riDIC.

Amanda Peet
I feel like I've seen this somewhere before.  Oh, I know!  The nightgown section of Macy's.

Archie Punjabi
I'll always have a special place in my heart for the big sister from Bend It Like Beckham. She's gloriously bitchy in that movie and though I've never seen The Good Wife I am hopeful that she's brought her bitchiness here to Amrika.  As for the dress, I love it.  The color is awesome, the weight of the fabric is decadent, and the way it falls over her hip is just perfect.  She looks amaze-balls.

Allison Williams
It is seriously crazy how beautiful this woman is.  Have you seen Girls?  She is like crazy-beautiful.  And she's Brian Williams' daughter so you know she comes from a good home.  How is that relevant?  Not sure.  What I'm getting at is I was really, REALLY hoping that this would be a bit better.  Don't get me wrong, it's a great color, she's seriously working it.  And I love that the bodice comes up with some wings to make it interesting.  What I don't love is that there seem to be another set of wings down at her hips, which only serve to make them look bigger than they are.  And I know they're perfectly lovely.  I just don't think this dress flatters them much.

Claire Danes
An interesting choice for an expectant mom.  I like that she didn't go with the Pregnant Lady's Best Friend The Empire Waist Gown.  It  really suits her.  Also, the color is great and she looks healthy and happy.

Cat Deeley
I have to be honest, Cat Deeley wasn't really on my radar until Ricky Gervais' Life's Too Short with Warwick Davis.  But she gave such a funny, awesome performance that she's totally endeared herself to me, probably forever.  As such I really want to say this dress is perfect, and theoretically it is.  It's just not doing anything for me.

Connie Britton
I'm going to go ahead and be completely lazy.  I could look this up but I'm going to put it to you instead. Is this the same Connie Britton who was in Gladiator with Russell Crowe?  Because she looks like a completely different person.  Or perhaps she's aged a lot since then?  Anyway, the dress is fine.  It doesn't look like it fits her very well but other than that it's fine.

Portia di Rossi
(Don't think I'm dissing Ellen; I care not for suits and so suits I will not discuss.  Portia on the other hand...) For the love of god you don't have to wear a full-on dress, but a nude jumpsuit?  WTH?  This is TERRIBLE.  It would absolutely get Worst In Show if it were an actual dress.  Consider yourself lucky, PdR.

Emilia Clarke
She is the mother of dragons, but she can't hire a stylist?  Look, this isn't terrible. However, I have very little use for half-skirts or butt-capes or whatever you wanna call them. Either wear a short skirt or a long skirt but never something in between Also, the purple design is okay, but it's not awesome.  It looks like a Rorschach blot that got away from it's owner.

Edie Falco
Man, she can still work it, huh?  Unfortunately, I like sideways two-tone dresses about as much as I like up and down two-tone dresses.  Also, Wonder Woman called.  She wants her belt back.   

Elisabeth Moss
Lordy.  Remember that girl from the dance scenes in Grease?  Her name was Cha-Cha or something and she had the worst reputation at whatever Catholic high school she went to?  She's on the phone right now and she wants her awful, ugly dress back.

Glenn Close
Holy hell in a hand-basket. The entire decade of the 80s called.  They want NONE of this back.  They want you to keep it and maybe burn it but definitely never return it.

Ginnifer Goodwin
Okay, truth: I am not a fan of orange.  I personally can't wear it and therefore I don't understand it when others can. (What do you mean the world doesn't revolve around me?)  However, Ginnifer looks good.  The fabric is a TAD too much like Scarlet O'Hara's curtains, but it's not off the scales awful. 

Heidi Klum
Good god.  Talk about getting back on the horse.  Except in this she should be VERY careful about saddling up.  So your marriage is over.  Couldn't you have taken Amy Poehler's route and stayed classy?  No one wants to be flashed, even if it's by you, and honey, you are dangerously close to revealing way too much.

Hayden Panetierre
Speaking of curtains.  This looks like she was wearing a champagne colored gown and at the last minute she wrapped herself sari-like in the blue tulle lying around on her stylist's floor and stapled it into place herself.   Definitely a Worst in Show Contender.

 January Jones
There is nothing inherently wrong with this, but it reminds me of Two-Face from Batman.  Like Harvey Dent, half of this dress is solid, half is all criss-crossed.  Half is floor-length, half is calf-length.  Oh, Harvey wasn't a dress?  Well, not all analogies work.  Not unlike this dress, which also doesn't work. 
Jessica Lange
I really want to like this.  Ever since she and Sam broke up it feels like she's phoning it in.  The color is good on her, it's flattering.  The cut is not.  It just doesn't look like it fits her, or if it does, it's completely removing her waist from the equation and that's never good.  Also, the straps are weird.  Are you an over one shoulder dress or are you a two-strap dress?  It's confusing.

Julie Louis-Dreyfus
This dress is a bit too structured for my taste.  Technically it works but the very precise lines of it make me want to color outside other lines.  

Jena Malone
No.  Just no.  I hate it all.

Julianna Margulies
Sweet Jesus can someone please introduce this woman to Rachel Zoe?  This looks like she's wearing a Monet print and not in a good way.

Julianne Moore
I wish this had been sleeveless.  The only thing separating her from the Amish is the color.  At least her hair looks great.

Julia Ormond
I almost thought of something to say about this dress but then I fell asleep. 

Kathy Griffin
I love me some Kathy, and I love this dress, but I wish it had been in emerald green, or royal blue, or even deep, dark red.  This feels very eh.

Kelly Osbourne
Seriously, how much weight is this girl going to lose before someone in her life says, "Honey, the Easy Mac is your friend.  Let's have some together."?  I do love this on her, though.  The lavender is perfect on her skin and the cut is really flattering.

Kristin Wiig
Seriously, you're a really funny lady.  Are you playing a joke on us?  Are you trying to make us realize how silly and pointless awards shows are by making us look at this hideousness when we tuned in to see pretty prettiness? Good one.  Also, Worst In Show Contender.

Lucy Lui
Forgot the disco ball for the after party?  No worries, Lucy's gotcha covered.

Mayim Bailik
I really wish this had been sleeveless.  It's a really pretty dress but with the sleeves it feels very heavy and that's making her look about fifty.
Michelle Dockery
This is so difficult.  I love Michelle Dockery and I love her character on DA.  However, I do not love this.  The color is fine, in fact, it's really nice on her.  The cut of this is terrible, though, and the netting over her collar bones seems superfluous. 

Nicole Kidman
Watch out, that dress is about to fly away. (But only if we keep our fingers crossed).

Sarah Paulson
This seems so weedy.  The tulle is choking those appliques of sequins and the bodice can't save them.

Zosia Mamet
This is so horrible.  Way too structured and way too overthought.  Ick

 Mindy Kaling
I really like this dark green on her.  I think it might be the most grown-up thing she's ever worn to an awards show.  The bodice is interesting and the gold belt defines and accentuates her waist beautifully.

The Winners:

Lena Dunham
Looking like something out of Little House Gone Terribly Wrong, Lena Dunham doesn't even look like Lena Dunham here.  The dress is horrible.  It's too dark and heavy, like someone's old fashioned wall paper.  And, once again we have black lace over something else, which ages her tremendously.  Worst In Show.  Hands Down.  Look, even she knows it.  She looks miserable, probably because she doesn't own any mirrors so this is the first time she's seen how utterly terrible this dress really is.

Tina Fey
Killing it!  This color is great, the cut is amazingly flattering, the gold brocade at her bodice is just enough accent.  She looks totally hot and awesome.  Best In Show for sure.

And that's it, folks!  Until next time, stay away from horizontal stripes and try not to wear uncomfortable shoes if you can help it.


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