Monday, January 14, 2013

Globes Slam 2013

Darlings!  It's that time of year again!  Can you feel the excitement?  I am fairly dizzy with it (thought that might just be the Bloody Mary working it's way through my veins...).

Shall we?

I am thisclose to categorizing because there was so much of the same thing this year.  Lots of boring strapless numbers and lots of heavy black.  The good thing about so much bad stuff is that it really makes the good stuff shine.

The Craigs (Daniel & Rachel Weiss)
When I first saw this I thought, "Awww, what a fantastic looking couple!  If they were Americans they would totally be America's newest Sweethearts!"

And then I saw this and thought, "Oh, you are KIDDING me. Not only is it a lace overlay but the bottom skirt isn't even ankle length?  Rachel, you know better!  No more Craig for you.  Go to you room!"  And then I thought, "Wait, that's not a lace overlay.  That a yard of lace tacked onto the skirt.  Good God, which is worse?  Rachel, why do you make me cry so?"
 
 Morena Baccarin
I probably didn't even review her last year because last year my eyes had not been opened yet to the amazingness that is Homeland.  This year I have seen the light.  Unfortunately, I cannot say the same for Morena's gown.  I feel like not only is it too dark, there's just too much going on.  The center panel of sequins, the skinny pleats, the waistband, the sheer sleeves, the very modest neckline.  And of course it's two-tone.  I'm afraid I cannot allow this.  Abu Nazir is probably loving how terrible this is.

 Amy Adams
She is the first in a long line of boring strapless you'll be subjected to in this post.  The rustle of tulle at the bottom is fun and frothy but it looks like it might be uncomfortable to sit in.  Also, it's no crime to pick a color.  Not that that helped some of the other boring strapless gowns.

 Mayim Bialik
I really like this in theory but I feel like it's construction wasn't done as well as it could have been.  The sleeves should have been three-quarter to emphasize her waistline.  The sweetheart neckline should have been softened so as not to draw your attention away from the really beautiful appliques.  And the belt...it looks like the belt is just a piece of satin that's gotten a little rolled toward the sides. All in all, fair to middling.

 Adele
Talk about Old Hollywood glamour.  I suppose some could say that this too is pretty boring, but I like that it's not a just a plain black dress.  The neckline is interesting and the sleeves are the three-quarter I was just wishing for.  The waist is high but not an empire.  It's lovely.

 Anne Hathaway
I do not understand how or why she looks like SUCH a bobble head here.  Something must have happened with the photo shopping because here:
 she looks totally normal and fine.  I really just wish she hadn't worn such a boring strapless gown.  Yes there's texture and yes the waistline is clearly defined (is it a two piece?) but damn.  There's just nothing to look at here except her big eyes and her much ballyhooed haircut.  Which was maybe the point?  Anne, call me, I need to get to the bottom of this.

 Amanda Peet
Did she think she was going to a Halloween party?  And if so, what is this costume?  Little Orphan Annie?

 Connie Britton
I really want to call this another boring strapless but at least it's sequined.  It doesn't look like it actually fits her, though.  Or maybe she just decided to skip the spanx.

 Allison Williams
And here we have the first of our dark and heavy dresses. I really want to think of something interesting to say about this dress but I just fell asleep while trying. It's boring. 

 Amanda Seyfried
Okay, here's something interesting.  The bodice is completely different from what we've seen so far.  It's white, and it's lacy but she doesn't look like she's waiting for the wedding march to start.  There's a tiny brooch at her throat that adds an old world charm, and while this is by no means my favorite, I can appreciate the attempt and respect the results.

 Cheryl Hines
Again, something very different that stands out among the boring.  I really, really like this.  I like that it's two-tone and I didn't notice it until I really looked. I love the delicate flowers.  I love the black up top.  I would have preferred something ankle length but her red shoes are totally doing it for me.

 Carla Gugino
Again, something a little different.  The color is great, the design is great, the halter is great.  I would have preferred lippy in an actual color, but overall hair and make up are really nice. Full marks.

 Claire Danes
Love this.  The way the fabric wraps her body it looks like the designer really likes her.  Hair and make up are great and I love that she's wearing almost no jewelry.  Very minimalist but still stunning.

 Debra Messing
Aaaaand we're back to boring strapless.  I hate the color, the bodice is unflattering, the skirt looks like a valance pulled down from someone's window.  I can't even give her an A for effort.

 Eva Longoria
She looks like Miss Kitty gone terribly, terribly wrong.  Between the thigh-high slit and the neckline the amount of skin is just a bit much. 

 Halle Berry
Speaking of cut-outs and thigh-high slits. Unfortunately, I'm not crazy about this fabric.  The combination of purple and orange just aren't doing it for me and the bodice makes her chest look seriously lopsided.

 Emily Blunt
And here we have different in a not-so-good way.  First, it doesn't fit her, second, the waist is in a terrible place, third, the sleeves are way too long (wait, unless...is she Amish now?) and the neckline is ridiculous.  Horrible. 

 Helen Hunt
I'm not a huge fan of horizontal stripes but these aren't bad.  Rather than adding bulk they underline her slight frame.  I also really like how the "stripes" are carried up to the bodice.  She looks really good.

 Heidi Klum
This isn't bad.  I like the appliques on the neckline.  I like the pure whiteness of it.  I don't love the huge slit but the contrast of the white against her tan skin is kind of cool.  She looks fierce.

 Helena Bonham-Carter
I like her purse.  I like that the sleeves are three-quarter length.  I like that her shoes match.  I will send her a comb if she lets me have her address.  Combs are not expensive.

 Helen Mirren
My first major disappointment.  I really hope this isn't a harbinger of things to come.  I feel like it's just too dark and heavy for her.  The black and gold harken back to the 80s and that's a time I'd rather forget fashion-wise.  I do love her hair, though.

 Hayden Panetierre
Another boring strapless gown, again in white.  The fishtail at the bottom is okay but the X at her bellybutton is distracting.

 Isla Fisher
Love this.  She looks amazing. The large sequins are interesting and the bodice and neckline are great.  Full marks.

 Jessica Alba
Another boring strapless.  So boring in fact that Jessica added a huge diamond necklace that almost overshadows her girls.  The furry purse is great, but it cannot save this.

 Jessica Chastain
This is different.  I like the color, I like the design.  I don't love that she seems to be wearing something to make her lady-parts squeeze together to give her cleavage but I can live with it I guess.

 Julie Bowen
Very interesting.  I love the color - it's deep and it's rich and it's perfect on her.  I love the drapey fabric (chiffon?).  I love the asymmetrical length.  I love her hair.  She's rocking it.

 Jodie Foster
Okay, I feel like she's had this same haircut ever since she did that movie where she was a single mom to a genius kid.  I like the dress, though.  It's maybe a little too structured for my taste but it's working on her.

 Jennifer Lawrence
Okay, don't hate me, but I cannot put J.La into the boring strapless category.  For one thing the Alice band at her waist is really pretty.  I like that it nips everything in and suddenly she's got this hourglass figure.  I also really like the bodice.  It's not the typical sweetheart neckline, it's something a little different.  And I really like the fullness of the skirt.

 Jennifer Garner
I feel like she's worn this a bunch of times, just in different colors.  The red works for her, and the slight train is fun, the beading is good if a bit geometric for my taste...I just can't get excited about this.
 Jennifer Lopez
Rather than wear curtains (Lucy Lui I'm looking at you!), J.Lo decided to wear a lace tablecloth with strategically placed doilies.  And I mean, isn't she getting a little long in the tooth for this?

 Julia Louis-Dreyfus
I really want to like this but it's so dark and heavy-looking.  The bottom looks like something the Dowager Countess might have worn in her hay-day.  It's just too splotchy to tell if it's supposed to be flowers or what.  No thank you.

 Julianna Margulies
I first saw this dress from this angle and I thought, ooh, this could be good.

 Then I saw this and I thought, Julianna has done it again.  Hideous.

 Julianne Moore
I really don't love this but I guess it's better than what she's given us in the last couple of years, right?

 Kate Beckensale
Ugh, please, lord, what are you doing to me?  When did you start taking fashion advice from Chloe Sevigny?

 Kristen Bell
I don't know if it's her posture but the crown she's wearing around her shoulders makes her look like she's supporting her very own iron lung. 

 Kaley Cuoco
If her lipstick had been less Goth Princess she could have gotten Best In Show.  The delicacy of the design and the lovely decolletage combined with the demure hair are just perfect.  She looks amazing.

 Kate Hudson
Looks like she wants to be in Sergeant Pepper's band.  Either that or she auditioning for the military?  Seriously, this gown is far too dark and heavy for her body.

 Kerry Washington
I can appreciate the flapper style, but the heavy belt at her waist and the matching collar just add weight to what should have been a diaphanous column.  Also, the underskirt should have gone to her ankles.  As a mini it's far too informal.

 Kristin Wiig
Far better than last season's dresses, but still pretty damn boring, even with the cut out. 

 Lucy Lui
I initially said she looked like she was wearing curtains and while I admit that that's not EXACTLY what she looks like, I will not go so far as to say that she looks good.  I really hate the fabric.  It reminds me of a bedspread I had in my teens.  So maybe that's the problem.  It's not curtains that she's wearing but someone's old bedspread.  Poor Lucy.

 Lena Dunham
I will be the first to tell you how much I seriously love the show Girls.  I will also be the first to say that Lena needs to hire a stylist.  This gown is far too dark and heavy for her and the weird pseudo bow at her rib cage is distracting.

 Marion Cotilliard
This could have been another boring strapless but the extra drapy fabric over the waist and the asymmetrical length seem to save it.  I don't love this gown but at least it's interesting.

 Lea Michele
This is pretty great.  It's not boring, the design is interesting and the slit is tall but it's not in danger of giving us too much of a show.

 Nicole Ritchie
Speaking of doilies.  Yikes.

 Nicole Kidman
Call me crazy, but I really like this.  Her hair is finally down and soft (that never happens at these things), and the gown isn't her usual Chanel pastel.  I don't love the gold studs at her bodice but it's kind of fierce and I really like it.

 Michelle Dockery
As much as I love Downton Abbey I cannot sign on to this. Gold and white is almost as bad as gold and black.  Her shoulder pads look like she's ready to play some real American football. 

 Naomi Watts
This isn't what I would have hoped for.  It's dark and heavy, continuing with the trend, but I like the keyhole cutout.  Actually, upon further reflection, that's the only part of this that I like.  The bodice doesn't look like it fits her very well.

 Salma Hayak
Another boring strapless number from a woman who is usually the opposite of boring.  The bow brings it a little bit of life but since I hate bows I can't really give it much love.

 Sally Field
This is awesome.  I love this deep navy on her, and I really love the bodice and shoulders.  The jewelry is subtle and I like her hair...she looks amazing.

 Tina Fey
This seems a bit too cocktails at the Ritz than Golden Globes material, but she kicked it up a notch at the microphone. 

Amy Poehler
This is so sassy and fun.  Rather than a bow tie she's working the diamonds and it's totally ON.  Love it.


Here Tina is bringing the Old Hollywood glam.  I wish this had been her look from the get-go.  Amy on the other hand is fine but I prefer her sexy tuxedo.

 Sofia Vergara
For heaven's sake even the woman who dresses the same year after year succumbed to the boring strapless and dark and heavy vibes.  I'm going to fall asleep now.  Be back in just a second.

 Thandie Newton
Why does it look like her left boob is exploding?  Is that on purpose?  Why is she wearing a mini-dress?  What is up with her hair?  Look, she's far from Worst In Show but come on.

 Zosie Mamet
I love her character on Girls (and her character on Mad Men) but I don't like this.  It looks like the designer paired leather panels with...cotton?  wool?  I can't tell.  The bodice is interesting but it's just so dark and heavy that I can't approve.

Zooey Dechanel
Another boring strapless with a sweetheart neckline.  My kingdom for an inspired piece of couture!


And now what you've all been waiting for:

Worst in Show

 Sienna Miller
Misguided flower girl reject from the 60s seeks a stylist capable of finding waists and bosoms.  No experience necessary.  Girlfriend is desperate.

And Finally...

Best In Show

 Emily Blunt
She's got on something a little different that really stands out against the rest.  The color is hard to pull off but it's great on her, the texture of the fabric almost looks like brocade but much softer.  The bodice and neckline are very Old Hollywood but the cutouts bring it up to date.  I really, really love this.

And so that's it, Possoms!  Another day, another Slam, right? Until next time I wish you many beautiful clothes and no wardrobe malfunctions.

Ciao!

1 comment:

Joan D said...

Love your comments and agree with most. I think you missed it by not comparing Ashley Peet's dress to a hospital gown.
Great job, Jersey girl!