Monday, February 11, 2013

Grammy Slam 2013

Hola, Lovies!

I don't know why they don't space these award shows out so that my fingers can get a little break, but c'est la vie.  Because this is the Grammys I will once again have only a tenuous knowledge of the participants so forgive me if I mock someone I should be adoring because they're a musical genius.  I don't care.

Shall we?

Ali Tamposi
First, I love the expression on her face.  I could look at it all day and it would just keep making me giggle.  As for the dress, it's passable.  It doesn't look like it fits very well and I can't really see the front because of all that hair, but it's probably for the best because it doesn't look like something I'd approve of.

Alicia Keys
This is very typical of Alicia.  It's very structured and there are no surprises but there's a certain amount of daring in the criss-crossed bodice.  Also, I don't care for the weird pleats from her knees down, I don't think they match the rest of the dress. 

Oh, holy hell.  Adele, why didn't you stick with basic black?  You were doing so well with it!  This looks like you stole Mrs. Brady's good Thanksgiving Day tablecloth and refashioned it into a rather dull, dowdy cocktail dress.  For shame, Adele.

Anoushka Shankar
 This looks like someone slapped a Little House skirt onto a Victoria's Secret wedding night boustier.  Horrible, horrible, horrible.

 I really want to like this, but I feel like it kind of sucks.  All that crazy black fabric.  All those tiny little flowers.  The giant keyhole bodice.  The weird shoulder pads.  There's just too much going on and not enough cohesion.

This is so incredibly toned down compared to what we usually get from B that I should be applauding her subtlety but instead I'm sort of wishing she'd made a little effort.  Pants at a formal awards show?  Really?  Also, the top is kind of, well, boring.  I said it.  Beyonce is boring.

 Brian and Melinda Wilson
The lyric "Wouldn't it be nice if we were older" keeps flitting through my mind.  Clearly, it's not nice being older.  Brian looks like they pulled him out of the old folks home, dressed him up and expect him to behave but the dementia just won't release him from it's evil grip.  Also, is his wife wearing sneakers? 

Carla Morrison
 I just have no words for this holy terror.  If the blue lace were removed and you changed the color from black to emerald green or deep red, this might be passable.  As it is, it's as messy and unruly as her hair, which, hi!  They sell combs now.  Trust me on this!   

 Carly Rae Jepsen
Hey, I just saw this.  And it is CRAZY.  So here's my number. Call me today!  Or call Rachel Zoe.  This is inky and awful.  It looks like something Morticia Addams might wear to a wedding.

 Carrie Underwood
Ugh, this is terrible.  First, the very elaborate design on the top half of the dress is threatening to give me an aneurism.  Second, the weird cut of the fabric at mid-thigh is jarring and distracting. 

Erica Camptbell
 Let's start with her shoes.  While I applaud the effort and the originality, they don't really go with the rest of what she's wearing.  First rule of fashion, if you've got a lot going on above, keep what's below simple, and vice-versa.  A leather dress is a lot, especially when it's a leather-cotton (?) mix.  I don't know that the rest of it's made of cotton, I'm just guessing.  The rule holds, though.  Also, the dress doesn't seem to fit her in the thigh area.  Or is that just me?

 Esperanza Spalding
It looks like she's wearing a dusky African desert sunset, doesn't it?  I can't quite tell what the pattern is, but I do know that when you're already wearing three-quarter length sleeves, you probably don't need a cape.

 Faith Hill & Tim McGraw
I kind of love that his hat is shiny.  Where does one purchase a formal cowboy hat?  Also, I'm  seriously digging her dress.  She's got great gams so why not show 'em off, and the bodice and sleeves are really fun and interesting.  She's showing some skin without giving away the farm (Katy Perry).

Denise Donatelli
 Rowr.  Except, for all it's wildness, the dress itself is fairly conservative.  There's nary a collarbone in sight and her shoulders look like they could take out someone's eye.  I do like her contrasting orange clutch, though.

 Jennifer Lopez
Didn't Angelina Jolie already perfect this move?  Look, even her face is saying, "Ugh, I cannot believe they talked me into this. I should have gone with my first choice, a fishing net with strategically placed starfish."

 Joan Osbourne
You guys, did you even know Joan Osbourne was still around? I did not.  Is she still making music?  I want to like this because the color looks great on her and it's a really hard color to pull off, but it's just too unstructured.  When something lacks so much body at least make the sleeves the same length.

Janelle Monae
 I seriously cannot stop laughing at this.  She looks like a cross between a matador and circus ringmaster.

Kady Z
This is just silly.  The dress is pretty boring except for the sparkle at her chest, which I guess is to both conceal what's behind the mesh and draw your attention to it. 

Kaya Jones
 This isn't bad.  The color is maybe just a hair this side of tomato but the cut is okay and the bedazzled belt is fun.  She looks like she could maybe use a little extra support, though.

 Kathy Griffin
Who would have ever thought that I would refer to Kathy as tasteful and lovely?  Not me.  And yet, here we are.  This dress is great.  It's simple but luxurious, and it's flirty yet tame compared to so many others (Katy Perry).  Well done, K-Grif!

 Kelly Rowland
  This makes me cringe. One wrong move and we've got a wardrobe malfunction on our hands.  I can't even think about where those cuts go when she sits down.

Lila Downs
 First, the fabric should have been used to decorate a child's bedroom.  Second, there's a reason God invented foundation garments.  Third, why choose a shawl that clashes with your dress?  Fourth, is your hair in two differently sized braids?  WHY?

 The McGraws and the Urbans
We've already seen the McGraws but this is the only pic I could find of Nic's dress.  And I have to say I'm kind of disappointed.  The lining should have ended at her feet like the lace.  Cutting it off at mid-thigh adds a horizontal line that doesn't work.  Everything else about it I like, even the fact that it's lace.  The neckline is sweet and the her hair and make up are great. 

 Miranda Lambert
Thank God someone talked to this girl about sideways bangs.  She has the biggest forehead I've ever seen on a woman.  As for her dress it's fine, if a little boring.  Still, yay for bangs!

Ruthie Foster
 Hi.  This isn't a summertime barbeque you've been invited to.  It's a formal event.  FORMAL.  Adding necklaces to a loose tank top doesn't make the tank top formal.

Sway Calloway & Carrie Keagan
 This is interesting.  The color is good, but the metal studs all over it are distracting and weird.  Also, she looks like she could use some support.  As for the shoes they're breaking that rule about too much going on. 

 Katy Perry
Dear Katy, I know subtlety has never been your thing, but I think it might be worth looking into.  Also, lippy is meant to have color.  Love, Kate

 Taylor Swift
She looks like she's searching for her next victim, doesn't she?   Too bad her dress is weird enough to keep just about anyone at bay.  I don't understand the collar.  It's like the belt suddenly decided to go on a walkabout.

I get what they were doing here, I do, but there's just too much going on. The necklace makes me think of a bell pull.  The turbin makes me think of Gloria Swanson and Sally Field.  The voluminous sleeves make me think of Joan Osbourne's dress and my attendant hesitations with it's lack of structure.

And now it's time for the awards!!


 This looks like the ballet and the circus got drunk one night, hooked up, and after nine months the ballet popped this out (obviously the ballet is the woman and the circus is the man. duh).  She looks far too pleased with herself to have any mirrors at home.


Skylar Grey
 This is totally awesome.  It's not often we get someone who goes all out and does red sequins from neck to toe.  It's flattering, it's fits her perfectly, I like that the very top is just a little bit asymmetrical, and I think her hair and make up are perfect.  BEST IN SHOW!

That's all for the Grammy's but stay tuned because I'm going to start on the BAFTAs next!!

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