Monday, February 25, 2013

Oscar Slam 2013

You guys, I'm so excited!  It's the event we've been waiting for!  No, not the Oscars, the RED CARPET of the Oscars!

Shall we get started?

Thank Jesus she's back in black.  The tablecloth she wore to the last event is still hurting my eyes. I love the 3/4 sleeves and I love the beads.  She looks great.

 Quvenzhane Wallis
Okay, not only does she look adorable in a mini-adult kind of way, I love her purse.  It's fuzzy, it's age-appropriate and it's the perfect size.  Side note: the Interweb seems to be up in arms this morning over The Onion calling Q the c-word in a tweet.  At the risk of infuriating you all, I thought it was funny.  It was sort of like when Kathy Griffin was working the red carpet and started the rumor that Dakota Fanning had a serious drug problem. It's funny because it's SO OBVIOUSLY not true.  That's how comedy works sometimes.

 Amy Adams
This reminds me of a dress that Charize Theron wore a few years ago.  I like it in theory I just wish I didn't look SO much like a toilet paper cover from the 70s.  Also, would it have killed you to pick a color?  Where are all the missing jewel-tones this year? 
 Anne Hathaway
I guess she didn't want her dress to clash with the statuette so she wore the blandest thing she could find.  Why didn't someone warn her about how pointed the bodice was, though? 

 Amanda Seyfried
She looks pretty good, but I really wish she'd gone for a different neckline.  I can't even explain why, I just know that my gut is telling me it's doing her no favors.Maybe I'm just wishing she'd chosen a color.  Maybe I think she looks like she's waiting for someone to hand her a bouquet of flowers so her father can walk her down the aisle.  Yes, I think that might be it...

 Charlize Theron
Okay, first, love the haircut.  She looks fierce.  And I like the neckline of the dress, so basically from the waist up she looks fab.  Unfortunately, the extra lip of fabric around her hips makes the dress appear overly heavy, and the gob of fabric spilling out of her butt only adds to that problem. Sorry, Char.  Loved you in Snow White.  Call me.

 Catherine Zeta-Jones
From the hips down this is a fun and frothy confection.  From the hips up she looks like a roman soldier who forgot to put away her breastplate.  Pax, CZJ, pax.

 Halle Barry
Speaking of the military.  I feel like she might click her heels together at any moment and give a salute.  There is so much about this that I don't like, that I'm not really sure where to begin.  The shoulder pads? The fabric itself and how it looks like it weighs as much as she does?  The fact that it doesn't fit her well in the hip area?  There's too much to choose from.  And it makes me sad.

 Helena Bonham Carter
Why do I keep putting her in these things?  I know I'll be disappointed.  There are people I don't even consider (Brandi Glanville, Guiliana Rancic, etc) because they don't really deserve the attention and what would I say anyway?  Why do I do this to myself?  The dress is actually better than I expected but JESUS, don't they sell combs in the UK?  Because I know we sell them here.  If you forgot yours across the pond you can go to just about any drug store in America and find another one.  I promise.

 Jennifer Aniston
What is up with this tomato red that keeps popping up everywhere.  Is tomato red the new black?  I guess I should be grateful she went with an actual color.  But she could at least have made an effort with her hair, couldn't she?

 Jennifer Garner
Totally killing it.  Love the color, love the style and design.  Love the jewelry and the hair.  Wrinkles aside she looks super.

 Jessica Chastain
I am so on the fence about this dress. It's simple, it's flattering and it fits her.  I just wish it were a color and I also sort of wish the beading were a bit less structured.  The lines of it are making me feel slightly OCD.

 Jennifer Hudson
I don't love this but I really admire the attempt.  The sleeves should have been three-quarter, but the slit up the leg is good and the color is really good.  On the other hand the bodice is so Amish it makes me wish the Farmer's Market were open...

 Kate Capshaw
Okay, you have to admit that her pose here is hilarious.  "Imperious" is the best way to describe it, I think.  I don't really have anything to say about her dress, but her necklace is making me remember my high school English teacher (Hi, Ms. Weinstein!) when we read The Great Gatsby and Daisy balked at marrying Bif (or whatever his name was) and instead of listening to her, she was hustled into her wedding dress and a giant necklace (symbolizing a collar) was clamped on her neck and she was done.  Forever.  Obviously, I don't mean to suggest that Steve has kept Kate on a leash all these years, but I do wonder if jewelry designers ever think about the symbolism of their pieces.

 Kristin Chenoweth
Okay, obviously I love her (and I have no idea what she's doing hosting red carpet events and shilling for cruise lines...she's a multi-award winning Broadway/Television star.  WTF?) and I really want to love her dress but it feels very bi-polar.  The skirt is lush and full and pretty, the silver flames are wild and a little sexy, and the black mesh at her shoulders feels rather sedate and matronly.  I dunno.  Not feeling it.

 Jennifer Lawrence
I really want to get excited for this dress.  But she sort of looks like she just threw the bouquet.  At least her jewelry is interesting and different.

 Kristin Stewart
Please, call Helen Bonham Carter and figure out how you two can maybe share a comb if they're too expensive to buy outright.  Second, please explain what this is supposed to be.  Because I don't like it.

 Kerry Washington
Okay, I like that she chose a color, but I really don't like that it doesn't fit her and I also really don't like the INSANE amount of beading on the bodice.  It looks messy and painful to hug.

 Marcia Gay Harden
I don't know the exact definition of "Vamp" but when I look at this, that's the word that flew into my head.  I think if she had done something a little better with her hair and gotten rid of the fake sleeves this might have been something special.

 Melissa McCarthy
I love the dress, I hate the hair. 

 Nicole Kidman
When I was tweeting last night I wrote that Nicole seems to be wearing gold and boiling oil.  I stand by that.  What I don't understand is how the spirals of gold at the bottom match the stamp of gold at her bodice and waist.  I'm not sure it works.

 Naomi Watts
I don't know how to feel about this dress.  It fits her and everything but it feels so very militant.  Also, I'm not sure if her hair is supposed to be all fly-away or if it's just messy.  Which is a huge contrast with the very structured dress.

 Octavia Spencer
Love it.  Do I wish it were in a color?  Yes.  Still, she looks good.

 Olivia Munn
Does anyone else think she might be hiding a secret pregnancy?  Not digging this.

 Quentin Tarantino and Date
I only put this in here because I saw it and immediately thought, "Huh.  Wonder if he might be harboring a long-held secret crush on Uma Thurman..."

 Robin Roberts
Love this color on her.  Love the cut and the softness of it.  It looks extremely fluid and velvety.  I love the bodice and the straps.  I love her guns.  How in the HELL does one get guns like that (don't say working out)?

 Queen Latifa
I am bummed because this picture doesn't do her gown justice.  The beading on the straps was really pretty.  She looks great.
 Reese Witherspoon
Normally I really like the electric blue/black combo, so I'm having trouble pinpointing what exactly I don't like about this dress.  Maybe I think it just feels very heavy.  Because it does.  It looks like it's very heavy.

 Rene Zellweger
Could she be arching her back any harder?  What is the deal here?  The dress is fine.  Not fantastic or amazing, just fine. 

 Sandra Bullock
Ugh, I hate when dresses do this.  When you wear lace or something sheer and the bottom layer doesn't fall all the way to the ground with the top layer it creates an awkward horizontal line across your knees and it looks terrible.  Considering this dress is nothing BUT horizontal lines I guess she doesn't care about that.  Unfortunately, I do.

 Salma Hayek
This is really good.  But the collar of gold looks uncomfortable and heavy. And a little symbolic a la Kate Capshaw.

Zoe Saldana
There is just way too much going on here.  What is with the weeds growing out of her bodice?  What is with the belt AND the sash?  What is with the layers of non colors?  What is with the wrinkles?  I am not amused.

And now, the moment you've all been waiting for!


 Sally Field
Exactly how cold was it in Hollywood last night?  Long sleeves, a high neck and an excess of ruffles across your skirt? I didn't realize this was Little House: The Beverly Hills Years.  How can I possible summarize my disappointment?  How many of these have you been to?  I'm pretty sure it's a lot.  Do you STILL not have a stylist?  WORST IN SHOW.

Which means we're ready for the BEST IN SHOW!

 Helen Hunt
Holy crap, you guys, Helen has been MIA for years and all of a sudden she's everywhere and she's killing it.  THIS is what I'm talking about when I wish someone had chosen a color.  Her hair is very Old Hollywood and fabulous, and her jewelry is both big and delicate.  Love the whole thing!  LOVE!

And that's all, lovies.  Don't cry for me, Argentina, we'll be back with Slams again soon.  Since the Oz Slam was so popular perhaps I should try doing those on a more regular basis.  We'll see.

Until then, please avoid horizontal stripes and always sit down in something before you buy it.


1 comment:

Kristen said...

Shocked that you didn't dock major points from Helen Hunt for the wrinkly mess that her dress became from riding in the limo! (Otherwise she looks great.)
And Helena's dress is much less crazy than usual- you must admit. It would be good if someday she wouldn't style her hair with a weed-whacker.
As usual, we agree about half the time. (I am more forgiving of "nude" as a color.)
I have big love for Charlize Theron, Jessica Chastain, Jennifer Garner, Kristin Chenowith, Octavia Spencer, Queen Latifah, and I give BIS to Robin Roberts.
I love the jewelry, hair and makeup on Jennifer Lawrence (so soft and pretty) but not a big fan of the dress. Love Kidman's dress but not her hair or 'tox face. Love the dress and color on Kerry Washington, don't like the center hair part. Renee Z. looks like she's showing off a new set of boobs. Not a fan of her squint-face. And I don't think Sally was worst. I think she might be going for "age-appropriate" but overshot. I'd give WIS (of your photos) to sourpuss K. Stew. Bad hair, bad dress, bad attitude.