Monday, September 23, 2013

Emmy Slam 2013

It’s that time of year again!!  Fall is officially here and this year, the Emmy’s decided to throw me a birthday party!  How could I refuse?  A birthday full of gowns and glitz and terrible shades of lipstick?  Sign me up!

  Anna Chlumsky
This is a weird angle, I’ll admit but I have to say that overall I kind of like this.  She’s not starving herself down to nothing but she doesn’t look like Lena Dunham, either (sorry, Lena, I love you but you know you could lose a few).  The color is really nice and her creamy clavicles are the perfect accessory.  The only thing I’m not totally sure about are the appliqués along her hips.  I can’t decide if it’s just enough decoration or if it’s completely unnecessary and only serves to draw attention to something most women would rather minimize.  Overall, I’d say she’s close to nailing it.

Anna Faris
I am so perplexed by this.  I think if her hair were a different color the look would work.  Or if maybe you could see her face under those heavy bangs.  Or if maybe she was wearing lipstick that had any color to it.  The dress is pretty and the canary yellow color works on her but I can’t okay the total look.

 Amy Poehler
Talk about perplexed.  There is just so much about this that doesn’t work.  About the only thing I like are the capped sleeves.  I love capped sleeves.  She’s a curvy lady and this dress makes her look like a 12 year old boy.  Also, the hip flaps are very distracting.  Also, her hair is so severe.  I read a tweet last night that said Amy’s dresses always have a hard time being as awesome as she is.  I think that means it’s time to hire a stylist.  Call Rachel Zoe, Amy.  Or me!  Call me.  I would LOVE to go shopping with you.  The first round of iced chai lattes is on me.

 Aubrey Plaza

Holy shitbricks.  Are you kidding me?  Is this some kind of joke?  I think you’ve mistaken the Emmy’s for the Victorian period drama no one wants to see this Christmas.  Also? Comb your hair!

 Amanda Peet

How much you wanna bet she’s just effing with us? She knows this is 50 shades of ridiculous.  She has to, right?

 Allison Janney

Now this is what I’m talking about.  Fabulous color, fabulous cut, great layers, love her hair and jewelry!  Ladies, take note.  This is how it’s done.  Definitely a contender for Best Dressed.

 Allyson Hannigan

Okay, I really don’t understand this.  What’s happening at her waistline?  Why are there extra rolls of fabric?  The color is really nice but the waist is distracting and the mid-thigh waterfall of even more fabric isn’t working for me.

 Anna Gunn

Given all the shit this woman has taken over the past five years playing Skyler White I am tempted to name her Best Dressed simply because she rolled out of bed and got herself onto the red carpet.  The truth is she looks spectacular and is an actual contender for Best Dressed.  Now, you know me, I hate lace and I hate two-tone dresses, but she is WORKING it!  Not to mention the gun(n)s on display.  How do I get my arms to look that toned and don’t tell me to drink lots of water and try Pilates or I will hurt you.  The one tiny little misstep is the wrinkles across the skirt but, I mean, what was she supposed to do lie down in the limo?  I think she’s nailing it.

 Allison Williams

Someone online this morning call this boring.  I say no.  If it were black then it would be boring.  The color is stunning.  I love electric blue on brunettes and it looks great on her.  I don’t totally love her hair but I’m not going to quibble; at least she had it done, right?  Kudos.

 Alfre Wooddard

Okay, I’m back to hating lace.  The color is great, don’t get me wrong.  And the line of the dress is nice as is the bodice.  But lace makes you look twice your age and when you’re already an older actress it’s seems foolhardy to remind youth-obsessed Hollywood how old you really are.

 Betsy Brandt

This is a little too 1960s spring formal for me.  And…what color is it?  Is it supposed to be like that?  The only thing worse than a beige dress is a dress in varying degrees of beige.  Also, could her hair be higher?  I mean.  It’s about to spark up a doobie right there on the red carpet. 

 Connie Britton

I think I kind of like this.  I like the emerald green velvet and I like the gold accents and I like that the top and bottom are more heavily appliquéd than the middle.  It fits her really well and her hair is great.  If only she were wearing lippy.


Claire Danes

The Olympic ice dancing team called.  They want to know why you stole one of their costumes and tacked on someone’s lace parlor curtain.  We’re all waiting for an answer, young lady.

 Carla Gugino

Okay, normally a one-shouldered dress like this makes ones lady-parts seem uneven, but Carla is totally working it.  In fact, she looks pretty spectacular.  The only thing I don’t quite get is the extra cut-out around her waist. I don’t think it was necessary and it creates a horizontal line that distracts from the overall effect.

 Christina Hendricks

Love this.  The only way this could have been better if it had been in a deep, dark green.  Love the lacy shoulders, love the silhouette, love her lippy, love her hair.  Love it all.

 Carry Underwood

First of all, I’m annoyed that I have to write about Carrie at the Emmys.  What TV show has she been on?  Other than Idol, I mean.  She’s a singer, not an actress.  In fact, forget it, my opinion is that she’s annoying so I’m not going to legitimize her by giving my opinion of her look.  So there.

 January Jones

Ugh.  First, what do we always say about dresses that match your skin?  That’s right, Jan.  Stay away.  Second, what do you always say about lace?  Yes, you are correct.  It’s for old ladies.  Third, horizontal lines?  You freaking know better, bitch.

 Julianne Hough

BOL!!!  She’s TOTALLY effing with us!  She has to be.  No one would wear this on purpose right?   I mean, she looks ridiculous.  At the very least you’d think she’d want to cover up her HUGE granny panties.  ALSO, explain to me how she’s invited to the Emmy’s.

 Julie Bowen

This is really nice.  Aside from the shoulder-pad looking layers of fabric, it’s very feminine and delicate, despite the heaviness at the bottom.  Great color, great jewelry.  I think I really like it.

 Heidi Klum

From the armpits down she looks awesome.  What possessed the designer to add a huge collar to this dress is beyond me, though. 

 Elisabeth Moss

The sequined tube top reminds of me of the dance costumes little girls where when they give recitals.  The skirt reminds me of a tablecloth.  Enough said.

 Edie Falco

F’awesome.  Great color, love the little train and the front slit and I really love the cut of the bodice.  It’s unusual and it shows off her bad ass shoulders.  If only she were wearing lippy.

 Emily Deschanel

Ugh.  Where the hell do I even start?  First, she looks like she sewed her dress out of someone’s table cloth only she didn’t have enough material from two sleeves and as a result her lady-parts are all uneven.  Second, are there pockets in that dress or is it just unflattering?  I guess it doesn’t really matter.  FAIL.

 Emilie Clarke

Khaleesi looks good if a little heavy.  Not heavy in the body, of course, but her dark hair and heavy brows add something masculine to her very delicate features and I’m not totally sure it’s working.  The dress is fine if a little bed-sheety.  Overall I am underwhelmed.

 Jane Krakowski

Really digging her bob.  Also, the color of this is great but lining up the seams to meet right at your belly button isn’t super flattering.  

 Jessica Lange

I think I’m supposed to hate this but I really kind of like it.  It’s delicate and interesting and she looks good.

 Julia Louis-Dreyfus

This doesn’t look great now but I saw her live and it was slammin’. I just wish she’d done something more with her hair.  By the time she got up to accept her Emmy (with Tony Hale in tow!) it wasn’t doing what I think she would have wanted.  

 Julianna Margulies

Is this fitted or a column gown?  I honestly can’t tell.  I also honestly can’t find an opinion with both hands apparently.  I’ve been staring at this for almost a minute and can’t decided what I think.  I don’t hate it, but I definitely don’t love it.  Also, I’m so distracted by her tan lines.  Why don’t people take tan lines into consideration when they pick out dresses?  

Jessica Pare’
The second Mrs. Draper has looked better.  First, why would you wrap your chest up like a big gift just waiting to be opened?  Second, who the hell did your hair?  I’m sorry but I cannot say yes to this dress.

 Kerry Washington

This dress is a scandal.  Boom!  See what I did there?  Ha!  No, really.  It’s terrible.  It’s a terrible, terrible, weedy, awful dress.  Henry Higgins would spit.

 Paula Abdul

Ha!  I think we all need to take a moment and thank Paula for being our comic relief.  Has anyone ever looked more like a robotic bobble head with a hair problem before?

 Mindy Kaling

I love this color and I love her hair, but I wish the interior collar hadn’t been added.  I wish the wide neckline had been left alone, studs or no studs (are they studs? I can’t tell).

 Michelle Dockery

Lady Mary needs a stylist even worse than Amy Poehler.  I mean, jeez, I hate two-tone dresses but if you must wear one at least make sure the colors match.  At the very least make sure they’re in the same color palette.  I do like her shoes and hair.  And the cut of everything.  And her bag.  See, this is the problem, I so want to like this and I just can’t.  If you need me I’ll be pouting in that corner over there.


I have no idea how to spell her last name and I’m in a hurry (for you, possums!) so I’m not going to bother looking it up.  You all know who the hell Blossom is.  What I want to know is who decided to make this gown blossom.  If someone had replaced the fabric flowers at her waist and shoulders I could have totally gotten on board with this, even with the wrinkles across her lap.  

 Lena Headey

I keep forgetting she’s not really blond like the rest of the Lannisters.  From the neck up she looks fierce.  Like all she has to do is blink to channel the Queen Regent and you all better back the hell up at least one step.  From the neck down I want to rip off the sleeves, add some under-skirting and a deep V neckline, and find her some strappy silver shoes.  Probably not the reaction she was going for.

 Lena Dunham

I don’t think there’s any need to state the obvious by noting that the dress is hideous.  What I do want to comment on is her Frankenstein hair cut.  Did she lose a bet with Julius Caesar and this is just how it grew out?  

Laura Dern
Let’s leave aside for now the fact that this is terrible (aside from the color and her hair).  Instead, let’s try to figure out why the designer left a clump of fabric just above her left elbow.

 Rose Byrne

I was just saying to the Beast this weekend that I really loved Rose Byrne in Bridesmaids.  She was so pretty!  And feminine!  And then she went got that stupid haircut with heavy bangs and all she looked was sad and heavy.  It looks like she’s back to beautiful.  My instinct is to mock her bare mid-drift but she’s totally pulling that shit off.  I think she looks amazing.

 Sofia Vergara

Even though Sofia is also totally pulling this off, I’m going to give in to instinct to mock because I swear to gawd this is the same dress she wears to EVERY. SINGLE. Awards show.  She just goes with a different color every time.  Take a risk for heaven’s sake, Sofia.  I’m so bored with you.

 Tina Fey

Totally bringin’ it!  Love the color, love the halter straps, love the silhouette, love the little train.  I do wish her hair was a teensy bit less flat but I’m not going to pick a fight.  She looks awesome.

 Taylor Schilling

Normally I’d bust her for choosing white but she’s actually kind of working it.  I love the cut of this dress and how floaty it seems.  I love the neckline and the slit.  I love her shoes and her hair. Makes me wish the rest of the cast of Orange was there too.

Zooey Deschanel
I have mixed feelings about this.  I like the keyhole neckline but the side bow seems really heavy.  Is that just me?  At least her hair looks great.

Zosia Mamet
I have no words.  No, wait.  I have one word: hideous.

And now the moment of truth.  First up, Worst Dressed.  This was tough because there was a LOT of contenders for this.  In the end I had to give it to someone who usually shows up looking semi normal and not someone who on a regular basis makes me want to weep fashion tears.  And so the dubious honor goes to Aubrey Plaza and her terrible period piece of a dress:

Finally, Best Dressed goes to Anna Gunn for BREAKING FAB in this dress!!


Kristen said...

You forgot to applaud or slam Claire Danes. She's listed as Carla Guguino. I kind of like her dress but her hair is very brassy.

Kristen said...

Also chick in the pink lace (can't think of her name right now) above Rose Byrne got skipped/listed as Rose. I need you FULL opinions here! :)
Also I really want to love Lena Dunham's dress. I think I love the fabric and if you made and entirely different dress out of it and hung it on... say Zooey Dechanel, I could love it. But I agree that her hair is bad and the matchy eyeshadow is wildly distracting.
And I like Michelle Dockery's look a lot but I bet I'd like it even more if the colors were less contrast-y. It's so bold that I want to say "YES!" but my sense of orderliness keeps whispering "but it doesn't GO".
Also, stick a brunette head on Ana Faris and I love it. But I hate the blonde with the bangs with the canary yellow.

Kate said...

Blogger was/is being a dick. Claire should be fixed!

Kate said...

And Laura is now fixed, too. Thanks for catching, those!!! So with you on Michelle D and Lena and Anna! I think they totally need to hire us!