Monday, January 13, 2014

Globes Slam 2014

Possums!  Can you believe it's that time again?  Award Season is so much better than the holidays don't you think?  
No tree to take town when it's over, just more celebs to laugh at!

Speaking of which, let's get this party started!

Zooey Deschanel
She looks like she's wearing the bottom half of Carol Kane's Scrooged costume coupled with a cropped t-shirt she made from an old fashioned bed spread.  I like her shoes, though.

 Zoe Saldana
 On the red carpet she said, "My friend designed this."  Shocking!  I mean, why else would you wear it? The picture just doesn't do it justice.  Those sparkly things look like massive matching brooches uniformly pinned on.  Don't even get me started on the knee veil.

 Sandra Bullock
On twitter I said that she looks like a pinata.  I stand by that.  I will add that she's a rather wrinkly pinata.  Next time throw a steamer into the limo with you, Sandy.  You'll never regret it.

 Olivia Wilde
Is it terrible to say that I'm a little bored?  She looks fine, great, even.  But what is she, Amish?  A little skin wouldn't be a terrible, thing, would it?  Even a three-quarter sleeve, for heaven's sake.

 Paula Patton
Ladies and gentlemen: witness the moment Paula Patton goes batshit crazy.  You would think being married to the ever-twerked-on-Robin Thicke would garner her enough attention, but no.  She has to attach a kleenex monster to her dress.

 Robin Wright
If I look half as good as she does at her age I will be so happy.  If I have to run the way she runs in House of Lies in order to maintain that look, I will not look half as good as she does at her age.  The clean lines (minus a few limo wrinkles), the halter, the shoulders, the fierce's just all doing it for me.  She looks awesome.

 Reese Witherspoon
Love the color, love the cut, love the length. I basically love everything about this look including hair and jewelry.
 Sofia Vergara
Wow.  She actually took my advice and ditched the boring mermaid tail and went with a full-on poofy gown.  I'm very impressed.  I would be a little more impressed if the gown didn't look like Scarlet O'Hara's mourning dress (minus the top half, that is).  Sof, this is the Globes.  It's a party.  A total drink fest.  Unless you're worried about spilling food on your clothes (Ha! Like they let the women eat!  I crack myself up!) wear a color!

 Tina Fey
What the hell is this?  Are they flowers? One-tentacled octopi?  Jellyfish?  Also, is that a butt-cape?  Butts, my darling Tina, do not need capes.

 Taylor Schilling
Omg, are you guys watching Orange is the New Black?  I literally cannot wait for season two.  I sort of wish she'd worn orange, actually.  Anything in orange might have been better than this slip turned gown. I'm not a designer, but if I were going to drape some excess fabric, it wouldn't be straight down the middle of someone's belly.  You know why?  Because it's the opposite of flattering.

 Uma Thurman
She's looking pretty fierce, don't you think?  I can't tell but it looks like the bottom half of this is different material from the top which is confusing.  I really like the top and I really like the bottom, I just wish they were a little more uniform.  Not in the cut, in the fabric department.

 Naomi Watts
Wow, lots of halters this year.  She looks great, as usual, I'm just nervous for Liev getting too close to her jutting collar bones.  They could take out an eye.

 Oh, man, I totally can't remember her name.  She was in Wolf of Wall Street if that helps.  This is far more structured than I usually like, but I think she looks amazing.  The plunging neckline isn't too much and the fact that she's wearing white without looking like a lost bride is pretty impressive.

 Megan Mullally
I was tempted to leave this one out.  I love me some Megan but this is pretty terrible.  I wish the sleeves/arm bands had been abandoned.  I wish her hair were not so chemically red.  I wish her bangs were softer.  I wish she weren't wearing glasses.  I have so many wishes and no one to make my wishes come true.

 Mila Kunis
Boy does she look pissed.  Maybe it's because her neckline is a-symmetrical.  That would totally bother me too.

 Lena Dunham
Where to start.  The look on her face is kind of perfect, right?  First, the color is great.  It's a bold choice and it looks great.  I really wish they hadn't hemmed in her hips, though.  This would have been much prettier and much more flattering if it had been nipped in at the waist and then let free to be big and poofy and soft and pretty.  Lost opportunity.

 Laura Dern
Yeeeesh.  I mean, the cut is great.  It fits her well.  The beading (if that's what it is) is pretty horrendous.  Why would you put a black vee-shaped image over the portion of your body below your waist?  I just...I can't.  I won't.  I'm done with you, Laur.

 Kerry Washington
This is by far one of the most adorable maternity gowns I've ever seen.  She basically schooled both Olivia Wilde and Drew Barrymore with just one simple look.  She looks comfortable and happy.  I love it.

 Kata Mara
Omg, Kate, we get it.  You get naked on House of Lies.  I've seen your butt more times than I've seen my own.  I really want to take that excess fabric from her belly and shift it up town (typo but I'm keeping it because it's perfect) to where her plunging neckline is making me feel sad for her.  This is not the way to get good attention, Kate.  It's the way to get bad attention.

 Julie Bowen
Okay, first this dress doesn't match (unless it's a member of the old lady club that wears purple and red hats, which I don't think it is).  Second, I feel like the top half wants to be a Disney character and the bottom half wants to go lie on the couch because it's depressed over how boring it is.  Even the lady behind her is like, "Seriously.  I know."

 Jessica Chastain
....wait, what?  Sorry, I fell asleep there for a second.  Blame it on Jessica's dress.

 Jennifer Lawrence
As Lena Dunham learned the hard way, hip bands are rarely flattering.  Remember a couple weeks ago on Facebook when I was complaining about how J-Law can lay in bed till three eating french fries and then throw on her party dress and be ready to go?  I love that she refuses to lose weight for a role and is outspoken about women's body images, etc. but that it makes me hate her a tiny bit because she always looks amazing?  Well, I hate her a tiny bit less today.  Because this isn't a great look.

 Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Great color, great cut, great look.
 Julianna Margulies
When is Jules gonna call me so we can shopping together?  Or, perhaps I could introduce her to Rachel Zoe?  I hear she's having a second kid but I'm sure she'd make room in her schedule for J if she knew it were an emergency.  Because, honey, this is an emergency.  Everything fits, and I love me some capped sleeves but jeez. Metallic trees?  Really?  COME ON.

 Julia Roberts
Did she put a corseted strapless over a man's shirt?  And then belt it?  Because...I don't think it's working.  And I really want it to.  But no.  I keep staring at it hoping I'll like it and then I notice something else that's terrible.  Did she ROLL UP THE SLEEVES OF THE MAN'S SHIRT?   I do love her darker hair; she could never really pull off blonde.

Kaley Cuoco
The first words out of my mouth when I first saw this dress?  Crushed, rotting fruit.  And I stand by it.

 Hayden Panetierre
I have no idea if I spelled her last name correctly but it doesn't matter.  The only thing that matters is her dress and how fortunate she is that she never has to wear it again.  Now, I'm trying to figure out if I hate it because it's two-tone or if it's because the giant brooch attached to her halter looks like it might have been stolen off Zoe Saldana's "dress".  I know, I know, I can be fairly rigid when it comes to color (I'll get to Amy Adams in a second), and this at least fits her.  I can't put my finger on it and you've already been waiting for this long enough so I'm just going to move on.

 Helen Mirren
Dear Olivia Wilde: This is how a three-quarter sleeve could have saved your dress.  Love, Kate & Helen.  Also, I love the way it wraps around her waist.  You can tell the fabric is stretchy and gorgeous.

 Heidi Klum you think she's maybe just given up?  Are her kids picking out her clothes now?

 Emma Watson
At first I saw this from the waist up (both front and back) and I wasn't in love with it but thought the back offered a nice contrast to the very conservative front.  Then I saw her legs from the back and thought, wow, that's really cool.  No one's ever done this well before.  I really like it.  Then I saw the huge cut up the front and I thought, Oh.  Oh, no.  Oh, Emma, honey, no.

 Emma Thompson
She looks like someone's grandmother.  She looks older than Helen Mirren.  She looks like Nancy Reagan did her hair.  And I love her!  You cannot know how it pains me to write these things.  The lace is too much.  The long sleeves and mock turtleneck (who wears a mock turtleneck to an awards show?!) are just too, too much.

 Elisabeth Moss
The sequins are fun but the geometric design is distracting.

 Amy Adams
This would have been so awesome if it had just been all one color...either of the two colors here in fact would have been great.  But not both, especially when they only barely match.  She looks like she put an overly fancy sarong over a one piece with a deep vee.

 Anna Gunn
Holy hell, does she look amazing.  The color is perfect and it's really hard to pull off beige and other off-whites.  The bodice is simple with a bit of a flare and the matching swish at the back is fun.  What a total babe.

 Aubrey Plaza
Oy.  Again, I look at this and think, why?  If you're going to be boring at least be boring in one color, rather than two.

 Amy Poehler
Okay, now this is interesting.  It's black so I automatically don't love it but the cut is so interesting.  She looks totally awesome.
 Allison Williams
Wow. This took me a minute to process.  I don't think it would have worked without the added horizontal panel of fabric.  It would have been boring with out it.  But with it, I need a minute to wrap my brain around what the designer did.  It's interesting and fun.  It reminds me of prison, but in a good way.  THIS is what Taylor Schilling should have worn.  I kind of love it.

 Cate Blanchett
Does anyone have a giant, black doily?  What's that?  Call Cate Blanchett?  She's got one?  Okay, thanks.  I'll get right on that.

 Drew Barrymore
"I'm just gonna keep on smiling!  It doesn't matter that in a blind panic I chose to wear curtains!  No one will notice!  And I'm pregnant so if they make fun of me they'll be crucified in the media!  It'll be fine!  Just keep smiling!"

Dianne Weist
This is totally awesome.  I love the straps and I love the cut and I don't love the black but I do love that her glasses went dark with the sun.  She's still a babe.


 Edie Falco
What the hell is this?  The bow tie makes her look like a cartoon version of a Dicken's character.  Mr. Fezziwig is with us again!  The cut of the dress is terrible; it might as well be a sack.  If you forgot to buy spanx there are gowns that are really forgiving - an empire waist is everyone's friend, just ask Jane Austen.  So disappointed.


 Lupita Nyong'o
Now THIS is how you pull off a cape, people (Gwyneth My-Husband-And-I-Don't-Do-Red-Carpets Paltrow, I'm looking at you).  First, the color is great against her skin.  Normally I'm not one for a red so tomato-y, but this absolutely pops.  Second, she went way minimal with her jewelry which only adds to the drama of the gown.  She's basically my new favorite superhero.  (Omg, I would totally be a superhero if the clothes were like this...)

And that's all she wrote, darlings!  I'll see you again soon (the Grammy's are coming!) and in the meantime unless your Allison Williams stay away from horizontal stripes!


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