Monday, January 27, 2014

Grammy Slam 2014

 Disclaimer: I pay little to no attention to the music industry (and I rarely listen to the radio) so if I seem to have no idea who someone is, it's because I have no idea who they are.  

Now that the business is out of the way, are we ready?


Anna Kendrick
I have to admit that I've only seen her in two movies, the first with George Clooney where they fired people for a living and the second where she sings a Capella in college.  Can you guess which was the better flick? The dress is okay.  It's a little too Boobs Incarcerated for me, but the color is good and it fits her well.  I would have preferred the slit to be on the side rather than right up the front but I can mostly live with it.


 Alicia Keys
Love this color on her and the little black accents at her waist create an illusion of the fabric nipping in.  Whether it is or not, it looks great on her and the deep V (U) isn't overly expansive despite its enormity.

 Annie Stoll
I like what she's going for here.  It's like poodle skirt meets your boyfriend's motorcycle jacket.  It's fun and I feel like it's pretty inline with the event itself.  She looks comfortable and even poised.

 Beyonce
Confession: I have no idea if I even spelled that right.  I guess she's taking a page out of Cate Blanchett's book and hired someone to make her giant white doily.
 If my choice were the doily or this, I'd go with the doily.  Dear Bey, I don't need to see this much of ANYONE'S crotch.  EVER.  You're skating dangerously close to Spears territory, m'kay?  Let's dial it back a notch or two.

 Bonnie McKee
This is really nice.  The thick folds of rich silk, the deep blue color, little vee neckline, even the hair, are totally freaking working.
Cyndi Lauper
I want to give her a pass and say, you know, she's an old broad and she's allowed to do what she wants.  But seriously, from the neck up she looks like Boy George and from the neck down she looks like someone's great aunt who's trying desperately to still be cool. 

Chrissy Teigen
I think she just married John Legend but I have no idea if that makes her important as it relates to the Grammy's.  Needless to say she's killing it with this look.  The dress is fab and it fits her perfectly.

 Ciara
 She's suffering from Olivia Wilde syndrome, except even the slight, modest vee of her bodice can't really save this.  Is it animal print or geometric shapes?  I really wish she'd gone with three-quarter sleeves to lighten things up a bit.

 Colbie Caillat
Did you get lost on your way to Sochi?  Or did you rob one of the ice dancers who hasn't left yet?  Because this is basically screaming, "BRIAN BOITANO, IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO SPIN ME!"

 Faith Evans
Again, what's with the long sleeves?  Combined with the high neckline I feel like it's just not super flattering.  Plus it looks really heavy, doesn't it?

 Foxes
No, seriously, that's her name?  Is she trying to look demure or is she trying to keep her dress up?  Talk amongst yourselves.
 Gloria Estefan
I wish someone had taken a pair of scissors last night and snipped her sleeve right at that middle line near her armpit.  It would have been so much better then.  And Gloria, when people are talking about your armpits the next day, it wasn't a successful dress.

 Jennifer Gasoi
This is really sweet, like the dress you wore to the Valentine's Day dance in high school.  She's even wearing a corsage.  I just wish they'd replaced with with glittery brooch and some better shoes.

 Jessi Alexander
I just...I can't even...what in the name of the sweet baby Jesus is she wearing?  First, okay, fine, if you have to wear pants, have the decency to get them hemmed properly.  Second, okay, fine, if you have to wear pants does it have to be a jumpsuit?  I mean, have a little respect for our eyes, lady!  I guess it could have been worse.  It could have been horizontal stripes.

 Jennifer Hudson
Okay, I love her haircut.  From the neck  up she looks super-duper.  From the neck down I feel like she maybe raided Paula Abdul's circa 1990s closet.

 Kacey Musgraves
What do we know about horizontal stripes?  Correct, they're not flattering.  So what happens when you take horizontal stripes and turn them into layers of ruffles?  Correct, it doesn't usually work.  In this case, I think the skirting is almost better than the bodice which almost looks like one big, giant diaphanous bow.  How twee does this need to get, for heaven's sake?

 Kathy Griffin
Oh, Kathy, my darling Kathy.  You know how much I love you.  But blue snake print?  Unless you're a member of Aerosmith, the answer is no, young lady.  Now march back upstairs and change your dress immediately.

 Kaya Jones
Not gonna lie, this looks like a Halloween costume.

 Katy Perry
I actually kind of like this.  The music print on the skirting is different and fun.  The bodice is practically demure for her and while her hair is sort of maybe a little too bridal, overall this is pretty great.

 The Lennons
I...want to ignore this.  Julian Sean (thanks for the catch Robby Luke Leuck!) seems high and Yoko seems to have stolen someone's top hat.  Where does one even procure a top hat anymore?

Lorde
I don't know why but I couldn't find a red carpet pic of her anywhere.  Based just on this I think she would look Amish except her hair isn't tidy enough.  Speaking of looking, does she look like she's trying to pass a stone in every picture taken or just the ones taken last night?

 Lorraine Feather
It looks like she recycled the dress she wore to her daughter's wedding.

 Macklemore and Ryan Lewis
As you know I rarely write about the men (I mean, who cares?) but this is quite something.  Between the teal velvet and the hounds-tooth tux I am practically speechless.  Do you think they wore these suits because they thought they were classy and would look good or do you think this is just one more time when a celeb wants to monopolize the camera.  It's a real head-scratcher.

 The Madonna & Child
Way to use your kid as a (literal) prop, Madge.  Stay classy!

 Makeba Riddick
Oh, honey.  This would have been super if it had been given to you in the next size up.

 Malina Moye
First, what have we said before about butt-capes?  Second, what have we said before about two-tone gowns?  I really wish this was all one color, or that the orange fabric had been taken off, leaving her with a simple column gown.  The vest cum cape is just distracting and unnecessary.

 Maria Schneider
This is the saddest bridesmaid gown I've ever seen.

 Martina McBride
The cut is good but I'm falling asleep over the color.

 Maysa
Did she steal one of the gold metals?

 Miley Cyrus
Is she dressing up as Huggy Bear now?

 Miranda Lambert
Great color, nice accent at the waist, sweet hair.

 Natalie Grant
Do you think she purposely matched her neck-thing with her shoes?  Do you think she knows it doesn't work?

 Pharrell Williams
Someone online compared him to a Mountie.  I think that's fair and I'm going to steal it for my assessment as well.  Paul Gross called.  He wants his hat back.

 Pink
Full disclosure: I love me some Pink!  I not love me this dress, though.  It looks like it might be too tight to breathe, and the Vs along the front of the fabric just aren't working for me.

 Rihanna
I am not a fan but this is a great dress.  It's so rare that women try a bold color like canary yellow but here it is again!  And I sort of like that it's modeled on a tuxedo with the satiny lapels.  It actually reminds me of a more modest version of the infamous J-Lo dress from a few years back, which is funny because this is definitely NOT modest.

 Sara Bareilles
Why do girls keep cutting up curtains to make dresses?  You look like you work for the Carol Burnett Show.

 Skylar Grey
Do you think she might be the long lost third sister to Meredith and Lexie?  If so, Mer needs to have a heart-to-tequila talk with her right away about wearing dresses the same color as your skin and how it usually makes you look pasty.

 Tamar Braxton
First reaction: Devil Boobs.  Seriously, though, they look evil, don't they?  The rest of the dress is great.  It's a perfect hourglass silhouette and the little mermaid swish at the bottom is fun.  I'm not sure what's up with the wrinkly fabric at her middle but whatever.  Maybe the devil made her do it.

 Taylor Swift
This...isn't hideous.  It fits her perfectly and it's not too daring, nor too modest.  She's showing cleavage but the moms and dads out there whose daughters love her will be glad to note that she's not giving away the farm.  I like it.  A lot.

Okay, Possums, you know what time it is!

WORST IN SHOW

Zendaya
Just...what in the HELL is this supposed to be?  The see-through button down with strategically place pockets is, literally, hideous.  The blue dotted skirting with the continued buttons, left unbuttoned above the knee...is equally hideous.  Putting them together is a travesty of fashion.  That's right, I said it!  A TRAVESTY OF FASHION.

BEST IN SHOW


 Ariana Grande
Who do I need to speak to about getting this dress in my size?  Because it is fabulous.  She's mixing fifties garden party glamour with loose, uncomplicated hair and while her shoes are a bit on the dyed bridesmaid side, overall, I absolutely LOVE this look.

And that's it!  Remember, a three-quarter sleeve with do wonders for your waist and a long necklace will make you look taller!  Optical illusions aren't just for magicians!

Until next time, lovies, MWAH!

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