Monday, March 03, 2014

Oscar Slam 2014

Oh. My. GAWD.  Can you even believe it's here?  So excited!!!

 Amy Adams
My only real complaint about this dress is the color.  It fits her really well and the folds on it are interesting but subtle.  I just wish she'd got with emerald green or canary yellow or something that might have popped.

 Anne Hathaway
Seriously, I have so many thoughts.  It reminds me of January Jones' character in X-Men.  It's like she wearing armor or something.  And for as good an actress as she is I've never seen her do an interview or give out an award without thinking, "Man, she really is so in love with herself.  It's off-putting."  Which is kind of funny.  For someone so seemingly arrogant she really can't pick clothes at all, can she?

 Angelina Jolie
Krystal Carrington called.  She wants her dress back.

 Anna Kendrick
I guess once you've been in a movie with George Clooney you get invited to the Oscars forevermore, no matter how bad your subsequent movies are.  In any event, I am having a tough time looking at this.  There's just so much going on.  The diagonal swath of fabric is okay, but it shouldn't be paired with the tulle up top.  And the mid-drift cut out with...what are those, flowers?...shouldn't be paired with a bodice as busy as this one is.
 Bette Midler
Holy hell.  What is she a million years old?  And she still looks freaking amazing.  Love the column gown.  If it weren't so orange it would be so Jane Austin.  And while I wish the orange were slightly less so, I like the cut and fit of this so much that I just don't care.

 Camilla Alves
Again, I don't really consider her an actress so normally I'd ignore her altogether but her hubs is KILLING IT in True Detective and I just can't resist.  That said, I have some issues with this.  Whoever told her that shoulder pads were coming back is a BFL.  They are NOT coming back.  Other than that, I'm digging the color, and I sort of like the half-cape she's rocking, I just wish there was something else going on with this dress.  It's a bit plain and I feel like it really shouldn't be.  It had so much potential.

 Cate Blanchett
You know, I really like this dress in theory, but now that we're in the cold light of day I sort of feel like this is a LOT to take in.  The color is great and it fits her which are the two biggest things to worry about on awards night.  I'm just not sure about the giant sequins dangling from all directions.

 Charlize Theron
Now this is how you wear black.  If you have to pick a boring color at least make the cut of your dress interesting.  Okay, she's sporting a plunging neckline but it's not a full-on sternum-revealing plunge.  I feel like this is a very respectable plunge, you know?  Her jewelry is great and she seriously looks awesome.

 Emma Watson
Where, oh, where is Hermione when we need her?  With a wave of someone's magic wand this could have been wonderful.  On the other hand, doesn't this look like something Hermione might wear?  Dully McDullsville.

 Glenn Close
Speaking of dull.  Good god, is she converting to Catholicism so she can join a nunnery or something?  Has she suddenly taken a page out of Diane Keaton's "show no skin" playbook? Ugh.

 Goldie Hawn
She is never one to disappoint is she?  What a dress.  Love the empire waist, love the color, love the falling beads over her shoulders, love everything about this look to be honest.  And she even picked a fabric that wouldn't wrinkle in the limo on the way over!  See ladies?  It can be done.

 Idina Menzel
Okay, I guess if she had to wear black at least the dress has lots of interesting folds and contours.  Honestly, though, I feel like I've seen this dress over and over again with varying degrees of success, year after year.

 Julie Delpy
I'm trying to put my finger on exactly what it is about this look that I don't love.  I think it might be all the excess fabric under her armpits.  Or maybe it's the long sleeves.  I don't know.  Why do you think I don't like it?

 Jennifer Garner
From the waist up she looks fabulous.  From the waist down she looks like a fancy lamp shade that might have come from a Vegas brothel.   Also, her shoes make me want to cry.  Can you see them, just peeping out from between the fringe?  What are those three inch platforms?  This is not the seventies, Jen!  SMH!

 Jennifer Lawrence
Okay, the color is good and the cut is good.  It fits her and she looks really awesome.  I just...I really hate peplum.  I mean, she's got nothing to worry about, of course, but I think this would have been a much sharper, cleaner look without the hip duster.

 Jada Pinkett-Smith
Love the color, love the fit, don't totally love how structured it is.  It looks like it might hurt to sit down, doesn't it?  Also, I'm not usually one who goes for a long neck-train and this look is not different.  I want to get a scissors and trim it for her so it doesn't get dirty.

 Julia Roberts
Ugh, more peplum.  More lace.  More black.  Does Julia need a stylist or something?  Is she picking these dresses out herself and just freaking out at the choices making her go with the safest, most boring picks ever?
What is the freaking problem, dammit?

 Kristen Bell
I have such mixed feelings about this dress.  Usually I love textured fabric and I do here too, I just wish the texture had been consistent.  Either large circles all the way up and down or tiny...whatever they are from her hips up all the way up and down.  Otherwise, it fits and the color isn't bad.

 Kristin Chenoweth
Wow, speaking of too much going on.  I love her but this is about to give me a seizure so I have to move on.

 Kate Hudson
This isn't bad.  It fits great, it looks comfy and flowy and I think the full-on-plunge is off-set nicely by her semi-cape.  (Is that a word?  I hope so.)

 Kerry Washington
Gorgeous.  The color is so perfect and the cut of this dress is smashing.  I love the soft folds.  They emphasize how feminine and pretty she is.  And the single jeweled line just off-center is fab.

 Lara Dern
Question: How do you get around having wrinkles from the drive over?  Answer: Pick a dress that already has horizontal lines!  Seriously, though, I would have loved this dress if the lines had been consistent up through the top of the bodice.  I don't understand how the bodice matches the skirt even a little bit.

 Liza Minnelli
For the love of Peter Allen, Liza, if your mother knew you'd left the house without a bra she'd be rolling in her grave.  Foundation garments are VERY, VERY important, especially for women of a certain age.  You're not twenty anymore!  /rant  (P.S. I love that you put streaks of blue in your hair.  You're so fierce!  Call me!)
 Meryl Streep
Okay, do you see what I'm talking about, Liza?  They make strapless bras now!  Meryl is ROCKING this look because of a strapless.

 Naomi Watts
She should look totally ice-queeny and yet she doesn't.  Neck to toe beaded white is not usually a recipe for success but the choker is great and her hair is also pretty great.  Plus she's rocking some fabulous red lippy and I love her bag.  Full marks!
 Penelope Cruz
This isn't bad.  It's not like when you have a one-strap dress and your bust looks lopsided.  Evertying is just where it should be in this case.  I do think she's dealing with an awful lot of excess fabric but if it's not bothering her I'm not going to let it bother me.

 Portia de Rossi
I think Portia might have mistakenly thought that doilies are the new big thing to turn into a dress.  She is wrong.  So, so wrong.

 Sandra Bullock
Okay this isn't bad but does it look like that waterfall of fabric at her hip is somehow pulling the bodice down?  Or is that just a trick of the camera?

 Sally Field
This is really pretty but I wish 1.) it weren't black and 2.) she'd gone with three-quarter sleeves.  The sleeves she has feel so informal.  I wear sleeves like that all the time.  You know why?  Because that's what t-shirts look like.

Viola Davis
Okay, first I love that she chose such a vibrant, wonderful color.  It looks amazing on her and I love it.  Unfortunately, the cut of this dress isn't super.  I wish the form-fittedness had ended at her waist and from there down it had been open and flowy.  Missed opportunity.

And now, here we are, the moment you've all be waiting for:

 Sally Hawkins
Holy Mother, it's like her on-screen alter-ego dressed her without help from experts or even someone the tiniest bit informed.  Who puts a dress on, discovers that 1.) it looks like something you would upholster an old chair with and 2.) it doesn't fit, and says, "Yeah, this one, I think."  I hope she at least rolled up her sleeves at the after-party so she didn't drag them through any cocktail sauce.

Lupita Nyong'o
I don't know who the hell has been doing her styling this season but she is once again, unbeatable!!!  The color of this is perfect, the cut is simple but comfortable.  I'm not usually someone who likes a headband at events like this but it totally works on her.  Well done, Lupita!!!

This is where I would normally leave you but I discovered some random shots from last night that made me want to share.

Cate: Soooo nice to have you as part of Hollywood now.  We older gals just LOVE newcomers.
Jen: Get your hands off me.

Camilla: You did it!  So proud of you!
Matthew: I know!  And I was high the whole time!

Matthew: Seriously, who is this again?
Kim Novak: I've had...some work done.

And this one just makes me smile.

Until next time, Chickens!!  Love you!  Mean it!  Mwah!


Jilliebeanie said...

Good review. Seemed like everybody played it pretty safe this year. I wasn't really wowed by much, especially the A-listers.

Loved what you said about Anne Hathaway. I want to love her, but got some crazy "I take myself way too seriously" vibes last night. Maybe Joan Rivers is right... :P

In real life, Amy Adams and I would be BFFs.

Anonymous said...

My Favorite So Far!!!
Keep doing the photo captions!

PeaceBang said...

Idina's wearing GREEN, not black! I am so tired today.