Saturday, July 05, 2014

BET Awards Slam 2014

I don't think I've ever Slammed the BET's but now is as good a time as ever, right?  This'll be a few days late but better late than never.

Unfortunately, I don't have time to call out a best in show or a worst (and anyway it'd be a three-way tie). So you'll just have to use your own judgement.

Okay, let's get to it!
 Adrienne Bailon
I have no problem with this theoretically but it seems ever so slightly generic, as if she's on her way to prom.  Maybe it's the hair.  It looks like she got the dress on sale and couldn't afford to pay someone to do her hair so she just just put it in a bun while it was still wet and then sprayed the hell out of it.  I've done that before.  Hell, I did that today.  But I'm not attending a swank-ass awards show today.

 Amber Rose
I've never known what to make of Amber Rose.  I believe she dated Kanye which in my book is a huge red flag.  But, on the other hand I think she broke up with him so that's good. I'll be honest I don't get her hair.  I think one of the best things about being of the female persuasion is having hair to do stuff with. The dress is okay.  The cleavage isn't as crazy as some of the others (ahem) and the gold belt offers a nice contrast.  Overall, though, I'm a little bored.

 Ashanti
Dear God.  So you had a baby and now you wanna make sure everyone knows you still got it? Check.  Maybe it's just me but I feel like there's something kind of horrible to pair that much cleavage with that much lace.
 Draya Michele
This could have been okay if it had been one size up.  When it pulls that hard across your legs it doesn't fit.  Just an FYI.  Also? I just fell asleep.  Cute shoes, though.

 Eniko Parrish & Kevin Hart
This could have been worse. I'm not digging the lace - it looks like she found an extra large doily to wear - but she's got some bangin' legs to make up for it and I'm digging her shoes.
 Eva Marcille
This isn't terrible.  It's saved from looking Amish by the fun cut-outs and it seems to fit her pretty well.  Well done.
 Fonzworth Bentley & Faune A. Chambers
I love this.  The dropped waist and shimmery fabric are flattering and make her look like a modern day flapper.  Full marks.

 Gabrielle Union
What in the hellish hell is this?  Not only are thigh highs not appropriate for an event like this (hell, when ARE they appropriate if you're not on the Pretty Woman set?) but they so jarringly don't match the floaty dress she's paired them with that I can't EVEN.  Just no.

 Gugu Mbatha-Raw
Fabulous. Floaty skirt, great cuts in the bodice, another (faux) dropped waist and her accessories are fab.  So loving this.
 Holly Robinson-Peete
Has she lost her damn mind?  I mean, there's peplum and then there's just cutting a hole in the center of a tree skirt and calling it a day.
 Karrueche Tran
Can someone get me a pair of scissors, please?  Ms. Tran needs a trim.

 Keke Palmer
I feel like this is so ridiculous that to comment on it would actually give it legitimacy.  And it has none.  My favorite thing about this is the look on her face, though.  She's going all Kanye on us, like, "I am to be taken seriously, can't you tell by my overly pretentious and silly outfit which isn't silly at all but a comment on art itself?"  GO, HOME, KEKE!  YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY DRUNK!

 Kenya Moore
Love this.  It fits perfectly, it's a great color and I love the raised waist.  It's not quite an empire but it's flattering like an empire and she looks stunning!

 Kerry Washington
Love this, too!  She looks comfortable and cool and just like, "Yeah, I heard there's a thing tonight?  So I thought I'd swing by. No big whoop."

 Kyla Pratt
This makes me so sad.  First, tea length is hardly ever flattering, so there's that.  Second, is she wearing shoulder pads?  Third, what in the flipping hell is this made of? Scraps of other gowns? UGH.

 Lolo Jones
I'm not usually into bared mid-drifts at awards shows but at least her belly button isn't on display.  This is kind of fun and kicky.

 Michelle Williams
I hate when designers do this.  Strapless gowns can be boring, there's no denying it.  But to tack on some weird fabric choker just makes the whole thing look messy and unfinished.

 Omarion & Apryl Jones
Okay, I have no kids.  However, I'm going to go out on a limb and suggest, politely, that no one wants to see the sideboob of a prego.  Okay?  Let the hate mail begin.

Paris Hilton 
She doesn't disappoint, does she, bringing her A-Game of ghastliness wherever she goes....

 Pia Mia Perez
So, it's acceptable to wear baggy pants and a vest to fancy, important awards shows now?  Good to know.
 Regina Hall
Much better but still...harem pants?  I guess I should be happy it all fits, right?

 Tamar Braxton
A cut out this big almost makes me think of a mullet dress.  And that's never a good thing.  Still, it fits and she's pulling off white.  Win?

 Tamera Mowry
It's not super flattering and unfortunately it's a little boring but if you can get past that then yay!  Great job!

 Tatiana Ali
Someone is awfully eager to remind everyone that she's grown up, huh?  We get it!  Now put 'em away please!
Zendaya Coleman
I...guess it fits.  And...the color works for her.  I just...don't understand why.

And that's it, Possums!  Hope you're enjoying the Royal Caption Slams!  

Mwah!

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