Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Emmy Slam 2014

Confession: I stayed up way too late last night because I was having fun with my family. So many parts of that sentence seem weird, right?  On the plus side, my parents have now been introduced to Jenna Marbles.  On the downside, I'm not sure they appreciate the comic genius that she is.  I only mention the late night in case you notice any glaring typos.  I'm going on just a few hours sleep, okay?

Still, life goes on.  You're here for a reason and that reason isn't more Kate Middleton pics.  You're here to enjoy some written bitch-slappery.  Shall we begin?

Angela Bassett
Does it seem weird to anyone else that Angela "Suns Out, Guns Out" Bassett is wearing long sleeves?  If I had that woman's muscle definition I might never wear clothes.  And yet...I don't hate this.  It fits her, it's not even remotely bridal, and the gold accent pieces are good. Full marks.

Anna Chlumsky
It's nice to see her out of a D.C. pant suit but this seems a little...dull?  I guess I could have lived with such a simple gown if her hair had been doing something but pairing the sheath with a scraped back bun just makes the whole outfit look overly severe.  And her facial expression in this pic isn't helping matters.  She seems to be saying with her eyes, "I will cut you and I will enjoy doing it."

Anna Gunn
This is not my favorite look ever from her.  I like it when celebs venture outside the safe confines of black and white but a two-tone gown always (ALWAYS) feels less formal than a gown all of one color.  This is no exception.  If the whole thing had been white with little blue beads that could have been very nice.  Delicate but not too busy.  Or, if it had all been this blue color that also could have been nice.  Very sleek and leggy.  But this combination?  I feel like it doesn't know what it wants to be when it grows up so it's experimenting.

Allison Janney
First, I love the color.  Second, I love the velvet.  I love the cut of the bodice, I love her hair and I love her accessories.  I really want to love the giant velvet bow planted RIGHT over her abdomen, but I don't.  It looks like she's trying to head a pregnancy rumor off at the pass by camouflaging it with fabric.  This never works.

Amanda Peet
I feel like ever since Amanda Peet married a Hollywood insider she's just stopped trying.  Somewhere, in a farmhouse in Texas, a window is missing it's drapes.

Amy Poehler
Is it crazy to think that we've seen this on her somewhere before?  I really like it.  It fits her, it's shiny and fun, and it calls to mind the Old Hollywood glitz of years past.  I'm just not sure it totally works for her.

Betsey Brandt
I really want to like this.  But I don't.  It looks like someone replicated a bad painting and turned it into fabric.  

Camilla Alves
This is why you should never wear lace.  Unless you're Kate Middleton you end up looking like an oversized doily. 

Christine Baranski
This could have been so simple it induced narcolepsy but I think the three-quarter sleeves add a touch of Helen Mirren and the cape lends a touch of bad-assery (which, I mean the two are one and the same, right?).  Not bad, I think.

Claire Danes
Okay, what the hell is up with her neckline?  What are those, fake flowers?  Second, if you're going to do a lace overlay on top of a cut-out, adding a belt is a terrible idea.  It ruins the effect.  Even I know this. 

Christina Hendricks
I feel like this had the potential to be very messy.  There's a lot going on with this dress but somehow, it's not too much.  I particularly like the gold appliques at her waist and the complementing accessories.  Her hair could have been a bit more done but otherwise I have no complaints. 


Dascha Polanco
Everything about this is awesome except the bodice just is not big enough.  I love her hair, I love the silver belt, I love the flowing, soft skirt, I love it all except the too tiny top.


 Debra Messing
Wait, hang on a second I just need to take a quick nap.  ...Okay, I'm back.  And unfortunately, so is this dress. It's ironic.  The gown is trying so hard NOT to be boring and yet...perhaps it's the person wearing the dress that's making me so sleepy?

Edie Falco
She looks fabulous.  The gathers and folds are so soft and feminine and though it could have been overly fussy the simplicity of it is really great.  Could she have worn a lippy with color?  Yes.  Yes, she could have.
 Julie Bowen
See, when you have guns, you should always be sleeveless! I'm not sure I love the pattern of the fabric but I definitely love the cut and style.  She looks great.

 January Jones
I'm not a huge fan of mullet dresses but at least this one is showing off her shoes, which seem interesting and fun.  I'm not totally loving the dress to be honest.  The color seems a teensy bit too dark for her and the black accent fabric seems out of place or maybe slightly a-symmetrical.  The whole thing isn't terrible but it's not awesome, either.

 Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Great color, great neckline, great wrap effect.  I even like the belt (though I don't love the accent pieces on the bodice).
 Julianna Margulies
Hands up: who thinks she's just messing with me at this point?  Every damn awards show I call her out and every damn show following she wears some new hideous masterpiece.  From the bodice up she looks great.  From the bodice down I can't even tell what color that is.  Grayish-brown?  Come on!

 Julia Roberts
I feel like she's like, You know what?  I go to the Oscars, okay?  This is just the Emmy's.  I'll wear what I want and you'll like it.  And I do.  It's not really long enough to be awards show material but I still really like it.  The baubles are kicky and fun.  Her legs are still fantastic.  The plunging neckline isn't gross.  Do I still wish she was a red head?  Yes, of course, obviously.  But I can live with this.
 Lena Dunham
Right now she's thinking, "I've made a terrible mistake.  A miscalculation of epic proportions.  I cannot believe I listened to Allison Williams!  She ALWAYS has to be the pretty one.  Bitch."

Laverne Cox
This is just a tiny bit too bridal for me but overall it fits her and she looks great.

 Lizzy Caplan
Man, talk about severe.  I take back everything I said about Anna Chlumsky.  Lizzy looks like she's in vampire training.

 Kristin Wiig
This is pretty but again, a little too bridal.  It reminds of me of Monica's wedding dress on Friends.  You can do better, Kristin!

Kerry Washington
This is weird.  I love me some Kerry Washington but  what is up with all the sequins.  It looks like a circus performer's costume. 
Kate Walsh
There is so much of this that I like.  The color for one, the sleeves for another.  The peplum is defying the laws of nature and is actually flattering for once, even with the sparkly back splash.  I think she looks kind of awesome and fierce.
 Laura Prepon
This makes her look about a hundred years old.  It's like when Elisabeth Moss showed up looking like Mamie Eisenhower.  I can dig the color and even the peplum but there's something here that ages her.
 Michelle Dockery
She just keeps doing this to me.  I want to like what she picks out and then it's some craziness like this and I think, The HELL?

Minnie Driver
I really like almost all of this.  I like the color and I really like the gold sparklies on her bodice.  It just doesn't seem to fit her.  There's something about her posture that says, "Hurry up and take the picture.  I'm sucking in for all I'm worth right now and it won't last forever."

 Mindy Kaling
Love the color, love the halter, don't love the silver accents, off-center or otherwise.  Sorry, Min.

 Selenis Leyva
This too is a little more bridal that I'd like but I can live with it.  She looks good and while I wish she'd push her hair out of her eyes I'm happy with the overall look.

 Samira Wiley
Great color.  It's so hard to pull off canary yellow but she is nailing it.  I'm not totally in love with the mermaid tail but it would have just been a simple column gown without it so I guess I can see what the purpose was.  A jeweled broach at her hip bone would have taken care of that problem but a mermaid tail works too.  I like that she's kept her jewelry really simple but I feel like a LITTLE more bling wouldn't have been bad.

 Leslie Rose
Even she knows that belt is hanging way too low for this dress and her body type.
 Octavia Spencer
You know something? I loved The Help for many reasons, but most of all I loved it for bringing Octavia Spencer and Viola Davis into my orbit. I'm not super crazy about the color or the sleeves but the gathers and folds of the dress are really flattering and fun.  She looks pretty great.
 Natalie Dormer
What a career, first one queen then another followed closely but a guest turn in The Hunger Games.  Life could not be better, right?  And she looks amazing.  I don't love the two-tone gown but the detail work at her waist gives some continuity between the two colors.  She looks fierce.

 Sarah Paulson
Okay, I love her.  And I really want to love this gown made of tulle.  And I mostly do.  I just wish it were a trifle more manageable.  She looks like she's having a blast so whatever.

 Sofia Vergara
And again we have a strapless mermaid.  I'm not really complaining, and she looks great, but this cut on a gown is all she ever wears.

Taryn Manning
I really want to love this but I feel like it doesn't fit her.  Am I crazy?

 Taylor Schilling
Not bad but I would have loved to see a color.

Uzo Aduba
This is great.  The bodice is a little weird (where did I see those folds last...it wasn't that long ago) but the color is great on her and the train with all those swirls of fabric is really fun!

 Viola Davis
Fabulous.  I love this color on her and I love the bodice, though I wish the sleeves had been capped.

 Vanessa Williams
Great color, great cut.  I will only say that this is what peplum should NOT do and that is add inches to your waist. It's just not flattering. 

Zooey Deschanel
Great color, terrible cut.  It's just not super flattering. Or maybe it's just from this angle that it's not flattering.  More research may be required.

And now we've come to that special moment!


Yael Stone
I have no words. Not only is this pretty terrible, but it does not appear to fit her. 
And of course no Slam would be complete without:
Danielle Brooks
Proof, if proof was necessary, that Taystee and I are completely simpatico.  Who else would wear a gown reminiscent of Kate Middleton's iconic white dress from her trip down under?  And it looks great on her too!  Everything fits, there's a giant slit up to her thigh but it's not over-used, her jewelry is great and she looks fabulous.  Bonus: It's a white dress that doesn't look like a bridal gown - BOOM!
And that's it, Possums!  Award season always makes me so happy and I can't tell you the joy skipping through my heart over this the start of another.
Until next time!  Ciao and kisses!

1 comment:

Jilliebeanie said...

Kate Walsh was my fave! I also love Julia Roberts dress (yay for legs!) Overall, not super wowwed by anyone else. Great review, as usual!