Thursday, November 06, 2014

CMA Slam 2014

We interrupt your regularly scheduled Royal Caption Slam to bring you the 2014 CMA Slam!  Now, I don't regularly cover country music but I have a free morning and so I thought I'd offer a few unsolicited comments and opinions (those are the best kind, right?).

Shall we?
Connie Britton
I like this a lot but I don't love it.  I'm not a huge fan of dresses that remind me of wallpaper, but she's rockin' some great gams so I'm going to just let it all go for now.

Chaley Rose
And then there are times when looking faintly like wallpaper works for you.

Clare Bowen
Okay there is just so much going on here.  My eye is immediately drawn to the tightly corseted waist and I really want to give her a big hug and tell her it'll all be over soon and she'll be able to breath again in the morning.  And then my eye travels upward and I'm left wondering if that's an applique of an eagle on her chest.  Why would someone do that?  And I ponder that a while before I notice all the damn tiny black and white polka-dots all over her skirt and it is at that point that I throw my hands up in the air and think, "No. I just can't.  There's too much."

Carrie Underwood
Okay, full disclosure, I love this color on her.  She's just someone who can rock champagne as a color.  Would it be way better if it weren't a sack-dress?  Yeah.  Yeah, it would.

Danielle Bradbery
She almost had me and then I saw the beige mesh at her sternum and thought, "Ice dancer!" and it ruined the whole effect.  This could have been super.  Sleek, understated yet sexy, and above all, sophisticated.  And then the designer cut the bodice in half and instead of showing some actual cleavage they threw a bunch of beige fabric in there.  Why, in the name of GAWD?

Faith Hill & Tim McGraw
I feel like they've aged into a couple that looks as good as they ever did.  Obviously, his outfit is irrelevant so let's get right to hers.  I love that it evokes that little Streisand number from the sixties. I wouldn't normally throw a giant neck-bow onto a formal evening gown but I think it works here.  The sequins are fun and they both look really happy and at ease.

Jana Kramer
I have just one critique.  I wish the appliqued flowers had started at her waist and faded out just before her knee.  Where they are, right across her hips, is just distracting and it cuts her in half horizontally in a really unflattering way.  Part of me wants to call up the designer and figure out what he/she was trying to do.

Jennifer Nettles
I like this a lot, mostly because of the pockets.  I think she looks stylish and sophisticated and pretty much great all around.  The pockets are just a bonus.

Kacey Musgraves
I honestly can't see her dress, I'm so distracted by her hair.  Hold on, let me try to concentrate.  Nope, it's not working.  Call me when she gets a hair designer who knows what he's doing.

Kellie Pickler
I've never been fond of dresses that are overly geometrical, but this one doesn't really bother me, except for the bodice, which is another that screams, "Ice dancer!" 

Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban
Are they trying to re-create their wedding but with a Little House theme?  Because...I can't think of any other reason why she'd purposely try to look like a giant doily.

Kimberly Williams
Great color, great fit, great fabric.  Kimmy is killing it.

Lady Antebellum
I think I really like this.  It's different and interesting.  The extra straps keep it from being too over-the-top sex-pot and it's still sultry and sleek.  Great job.

Lily Aldridge
Speaking of ice dancer costumes, I heard she kneecapped Nancy Kerrigan backstage and took this right of her, added a see-through skirt and called it a day.  Nancy, aside from being in incredible pain from the knee-capping told reporters, "It was one of the grosser costumes anyway. I mean, who needs to show that much skin?"  Everyone nodded in sympathy and then I handed her another ice pack.

Lucy Hale
She's in Kimberly Williams' camp: great color, great cut, great accessories.  She looks slammin'.

Megan Linsey
What a delightful bathrobe.  I mean, really.  

Meghan Trainor
Another full disclosure: I am in love with her single "All about the bass".  I love that she's bringing booty back.  Everything about that song makes my heart scream, "Yes!"  I am not in love with her dress, however.  I wish she'd just gone with a straight solid blue and left the lace at grandma's house.

Martina McBride
I really like this.  The gold and black work well together and I like the length.  It's different but fun and sophisticated at the same time. 

Tricia Yearwood & Garth Brooks
Overall, this is pretty boring.  I would only add that Garth could have perhaps TUCKED IN HIS SHIRT.  


Gretchen Wilson
So, I guess she's really sticking with "Redneck Woman" as her actual brand, huh?  That' interesting choice.  Someone should explain that one-hit wonders aren't a good thing.  They're something to be avoided if you want to continue to have legitimacy and credibility in the music industry.  Also, JEANS TO A FORMAL EVENT? GET UP TO YOUR ROOM, YOUNG LADY.


Miranda Lambert
This is completely awesome.  The Old Hollywood glamour of it all is totally winning my heart over.  It's sexy but modest too and the color is doing amazing things for her skin.  Full marks.  


Kristen said...

Totally agree on most of this. Gretchen Wilson- FOR SHAME!
Carrie Underwood is medium-pregnant right now, which is a little hard to tell in her dress.

Kate said...

Shout out to you, Kristen! I had no idea Carrie was prego, but it makes sense. Still, there's never a reason to put on a sack-dress, no matter how big your bump is...just sayin'.