Monday, January 12, 2015

Globes Slam 2015

Hello and good morrow, Possums!

Are you excited?  Can you even stand it?  You can't?  Should I just get this show on the road?

Okay, then.

 Amy Adams
I like this a lot but I'm not loving it the way I wish I could.  Her looks are so dramatic with her flaming hair that when she chooses a pastel over a jewel tone I'm always a little let down, no matter how dramatic the cut of the gown.  It fits, it wraps her body perfectly up, and overall everything is where it should be but...it's not extra fabulous.

Allison Janney
Love this color, love her shoes!, love the high neck contrasted with her bare arms and the hint of leg. It's classy, it's fits her, and she looks marvelous.

Anna Kendrick
Overall, this is pretty good. I really like the pattern of the dress and the matching waist. I like that it fits her so well. I like that it's very delicate and feminine and therefore pairs perfectly with her ballerina hair-do.  I like that she's kept her jewelry understated and elegant.  Full marks.

Amanda Peet
And once again, Amanda shows up in a house dress.  And she knows it.  Her face seems to be saying, "I cannot believe that I did it again. Why didn't I listen to Kate and get a stylist?  I am ridiculous."

Allison Williams
Great color, great hair. I don't love the horizontal stripes, especially these since the layers seem to add a heaviness, but overall, this is pretty good.

Christine Baranski
Great cut and color (and great hair, too!), and I love the cutouts and gathering in the bodice. It adds a little something without making it overly fussy.

Claire Danes
What in sweet holy hell is this supposed to be? It's like she's been rifling through Maggie Gyllenhaal's cast-offs.  Why, Claire, why?!

Catherine Zeta-Jones
In spite of the fact that this looks like it could double for a high-end bridesmaid dress, I really like it.  The heaviness of the fabric contrasts with the asymmetrical gathers of the bodice.  It's a great shade of red for her skin, and she's keeping everything else understated.  Full marks.

Danielle Brooks
I really like the concept of this dress but the sad truth is it doesn't fit her. Whoever helped her choose it should have had her try one on in the next size up. Other than the sizing issue, I really like it, and you know how I feel about two-tone dresses.

Dakota Johnson
This isn't terrible but I feel like there's an ice dancer out there somewhere who's wondering what happened to her last costume change.

Diane Kruger
Where is your lipstick, my fair German princess?  Your purse is the size of my car, you couldn't have stashed some lippy in there? Jeez. The dress is great, if a little boring.  

Emily Blunt
Is it just me or does Emily look like a completely different person when she smiles? Maybe it's because the first movie I ever saw her in was Devil Wears Prada and she didn't smile once in the whole two hours.  So then the first time I did see her smile I was like, "Who the hell is that?" And that's what happens now. As for the gown it's fine. I like that it's white but doesn't seem even in the least bit bridal, but it doesn't look like it fits her very well.  Is that just me?

Emmanuel Chrique
I loved her Entourage, but I wonder how she managed to get her hands on Ginger's dress.  You'd think the Gilligan's Island costume cupboard would be pretty off-limits at this point.

Ellie Kemper
There is nothing more wrong than Frank Lloyd Wrong's designs superimposed onto fabric. Except that fabric being turned into dresses.

Emma Stone
I like the boldness of wearing pants, and I like the drama of a long swoosh of fabric but I'm not sure I like them together.  To be sure, the pants needed a TON in order to not be too casual and while the strapless silver bodice is adding a ton to the outfit I'm not sure it's enough.  It definitely needed more, I'm just not sold on the swoosh.

 Felicity Huffman
Okay, you know me.  I definitely feel like anything tea length just isn't formal enough for a full-on awards night do.  However, I have to admit that the side cut-outs and the silvery spangles on said cut-outs adds a lot. She looks awesome.

Frances O'Connor
Wait, I think I just fell asleep....no.  No, I'm still wide awake I just thought I fell asleep because this dress is so utterly boring.  Why the hell would anyone wear black to a night like this? I mean, it's as hard to pull off as white, if you ask me, which no one did.

 Heidi Klum
I think I would have liked this more if the fabric had been flat, as opposed to sequined.  As it is, I'm wondering which ice dancer she beat up and stole the bodice from.

 Helen Mirren
And here we are, the goddess that is Ms. Helen Mirren.  (When the hell is she going to guest star on Downton already?)  Stunning. I don't love all the beading on the bodice but it saves her from having to wear a necklace, I guess.  Otherwise, she is perfection.

Jennifer Aniston
Okay, this is what I mean about wearing black. Jennifer is gorgeous and this black is doing nothing for her. Next time pick a damn color!

 Jessica Chastain
Pure Old Hollywood glamor, right?  I sort of wish the fabric were a scooch more on the gold side rather than the bronze but I'm not going to quibble.  She looks fab.

 Jemima Kirke
Did the designer mean to create a dress with a built in cape that looks like it could double as giant crazy wings? Or was that just a happy accident?

 Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Gorgeous.  You know how tough it is to pull off white without looking like your dad is about to legally hand you over to another dude.  She's pulling it off.  And she looks great (as always).

 Jennifer Lopez
Speaking of crazy capes...have you met J-Lo's chest?  You have?  Many times?  Right.  Okay, then.

Julianna Margulie
FINALLY. I don't know how many years it's been that she keeps wearing terrible dress after terrible dress but holy cow I am so excited that what she threw on isn't burning my eye sockets!  I'm even willing to let go the fact that it's too short and just be glad that everything matches and her hair and jewelry complete the perfect picture!

 Julianne Moore
Not bad.  I'm not totally in love with this but the ombre feathers are fun she's one of my all-time faves so I'm going to just walk slowly away and pretend I didn't see anything else.

 Kate Beckinsale
It's like the ghost of Elizabeth Taylor has returned to us just for tonight.  Love the Old Hollywood glitz.  The hair, the dress, everything is glorious.

 Katherine Heigl
Okay, THIS is what you should do when you're tempted to wear back: wear dark blue instead. It has the same sobering effect without all the heaviness and...well, boringness.  Love the color, love the cut, love the steep mermaid swish at the bottom.  The hair could be a bit neater and she could have worn a little make up but overall, not bad.

 Katie Holmes
Katie, honey, you've been coming to these awards shows forever.  You should know by now not to wear a fabric that's going to wrinkle in the limo.

 Kate Hudson
Once again I feel like an ice dancer is lost somewhere deep in the theater, wondering just how she got this concussion...

 Kate Mara
Okay, someone help me understand.  I guess I get the over-sized, off-color, too-casual belt.  But the uterus ruffles?  Why?

 Kerry Washington
This could have been perfect if it had just been one color.  Either the pink or the purple (preferably the pink, though).
 Kristin Wiig
We left 80s fashion in the 80s for a reason, Kristin.  Let it go back there.

 Laura Carmichael
It is amazing how gorgeous Laura is compared to how dowdy Lady Edith is, don't you think?  I'm going to let my feelings on the color black go for now because I think this is the exception that proves the rule.  And for better for worse I really love the starfish.

 Lena Dunham
I think this could have been really wonderful if it fit her.

 Leslie Mann
Love this.  There's something really exquisite about a gown so simple.  Canary yellow is an exceptionally difficult color to pull off, and she does it effortlessly.

 Laura Prepon
I hate the word hate, but I really kind of hate this.  It's so heavy and matronly, and the ruffles or whatever at the bottom just don't help fix it.

Lupita Nyong'o
What the hell is this supposed to be? Flower petals? I don't like it, and that bites because I love her.

 Maggie Gyllenhaal
You smile big, Maggie, because you have finally done it!  Like Julianna Margulies you've put on a dress that doesn't make my eyes want to bleed!  Good on you!  We'll talk about the cut and the fit in private later, but for now I'm so proud of you!

 Melissa McCarthy
What the WHAT? Diane Keaton is still alive and well.  You can't just go around stealing her style, you know.

 Michelle Monahan
This looks like a fancy nightgown off the rack.

 Maura Tierney
Love it.  The color is great, the belt cinches in nicely, the sleeves are beautifully billowy, and the cowl neckline is soft and flowy. Full marks.

 Natasha Lyonne
Great color, I just wish it fit her a little better.

 Patricia Arquette
Not loving how heavy and matronly this black makes her look.

 Rosamund Pike
This looks like Emily Blunt's dress but much, much worse.  First, why doesn't it fit you? Second, if you're going to go with a dress that has flesh-tone cut-outs, make sure the flesh-tone matches your actual flesh. That's basic.

Renee Russo
Okay, I'm not sure I like the contrast of the heavy satin in the skirt with the softness of the bodice, but I can live with it.  What I cannot live with is the panels of fabric down her front. They were not made for sitting in the limo, waiting your turn to hit the red carpet.

 Reese Witherspoon
This should have been the star of the show, but instead there's something so nap-inducing about it.

 Robin Wright
Princess Buttercup has made some interesting choices over the years, this dress among them.  The bare mid-drift is kicky and fun but why so Mennonite everywhere else?  It's like her top-half is at war with her bottom-half.

Salma Hayek
Love the fabric.  Love the silvery belt.  Love the cut, love the jewelry, love everything about this.

 Tina Fey
Awful, awful, awful.  Bubble skirts are OUT, Tina!  They've been out for like twenty years!  From the waist up I'm happy, but from the waist down I want it to stop.

 Taryn Manning
Ugh, once again, black is dragging everything down.  It's heavy and unflattering, at least in pictures.

 Taylor Schilling
Whereas, a deep, beautiful red with a fun neckline is definitely something that will pique my interest. She looks amazing!

 Uzo Abdu
Love this.  Rather than just a flat silver spangle or gold or whatever, I love the layers of color and the halter neckline. Crazy Eyes looks fabulous!

 Viola Davis
This woman can wear any freaking color on earth.  She's just got the right skin that works with everything and I love it.  I don't totally get the big spangles but whatever, I can live with it.  She's gorgeous, end of story.

Zosia Mamet
This is way better than the last awards show, but it's still not very good, is it. The bodice seems uncomfortable and the peplum just adds weight to the already heavy skirting.  Also, since when is your hair supposed to match your pastel dress?


WORST IN SHOW

 Kiera Knightley
Sweet Baby Cambridge, WHY. This looks like a joke-dress.  Like she's got an inside joke with someone at home who dared her to wear something so stupid and terrible that no one would understand or believe. Mission Accomplished.

BEST IN SHOW


 Naomi Watts
Fabulous. Great color, great cut, love the belt, really love the necklace and she's wearing lippy!

And that's all, Lovies!  Awards season has begun and that means I'll be back soon with lots more dresses and celebs and onions!

Until then, kisses!  Love you!  Mean it!

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