Monday, January 26, 2015

SAG Slam 2015

Okay, here's what's happening, Possums.  Apparently, I completely missed the fact that the SAG Awards were on last night.  How did I miss this?  It's possible that I missed it because I spent half the day at church and the other half at a boozy brunch filled with good friends, champagne and bloody marys.  It happens, right? 

And now a Snowpocalypse is about to hit the northeast in a shit-storm of epic proportions. So I'm gonna bang this out and hope I can post in good time but I have a feeling my day is going to be broken up into work, commuting through the white stuff, and then shoveling the white stuff.

Hopefully you're reading this no later than Tuesday morning.  My fingers are crossed for you.  No, really.

Shall we?

Anna Chlumsky
I honestly don't understand what's going on here. Why add the vest from a sexy spacesuit to a perfectly good awards show gown?

 Amanda Peet
Oh, Amanda. Honey. First, I'm really proud of you for making an effort.  Really.  But, I feel like you could have made a tiny bit MORE of an effort.  Like, maybe a gown that doesn't look like you found it in a vintage thrift store for starters.  Now, don't be offended. I have a very dear cousin who loves thrift shops and in truth I love them too.  But not for a major awards night.

 Amy Poehler
No complaints. Everything is wrangled, the color is fab, the added sparkle is fun and she just looks happy to be there.  Do I wish she'd maybe put on some lipstick that didn't match her skin?  Yeah.  Yeah, I really do. Okay, so one complaint.  Not bad.

 Claire Danes
I mostly love this.  The color is good against her tan, the neckline is different and fun and the appliques along the sides add some much-needed texture.  The military-esq belt holding it all together?  No. Not so much. I would have done the belt in satin of the same green or maybe a shade darker. But that's just me and my little opinion.

 Chelsea Peretti
I'm not loving the pattern of this dress. Navy blue palm leaves seem unnatural to me.  Other than that it fits her and it's mostly fine.  Could have used some lippy though, Chels.

 Dascha Polanco
I'm having serious Kim Kardashian flashbacks here.  Seriously, why so Amish, Dascha?  They're not better than us, you know.  And looking like a human doily isn't always (or ever) flattering.

 Danielle Brooks
Love this! The color is great but the neckline is killing it.  The diaphanous tulle over the strapless sweetheart is gorgeous.  It's sexy but also ladylike.  I'm not completely in love with the black applique on her shoulder but I'm willing to overlook it because everything else is so great.

 Emilia Clarke putting me to asleep.  I mean, I know she can't be Khaleesi all the time but I feel like glamour sidled up to her as she was getting ready to leave and she said, "Nah, I'm good without you tonight.  Thanks, though!"

 Edie Falco

I want to like this so much but I keep noticing things about it that I hate.  For one thing, the wrinkles pulled across her stomach.  Does it not fit you or did you choose a fabric that isn't limo-friendly? Also, the little ties at her shoulders remind me of those sundresses little girls sometimes where in the summer time.  Which makes them way too casual for a gown like this.

 Emma Stone
Nice little homage to Cabaret, darling! I only missed you by a few short weeks.  Sadly, I had to sit through Michelle Williams teetering around stage while trying to fake her way through every. damn. song. Normally I'd bust you for the two different lengths but I don't think I can.  For some reason, and I honestly don't know why, I think it works.  I especially love the three-quarter sleeves (a must for all women - did you know it creates an optical illusion whereby your waist looks smaller?) and the pockets!  Perhaps I love the overall effect because you're wearing lipstick.  Either way, well done.

 Gretchen Mol
There's something about these sleeves that make me think of an old lady.  I think this could have been amazing if it had been sleeveless but as-is I think it's just good.

 Jennifer Aniston
Is it weird that her gowns almost always match her hair color?  Is it weird that she keeps saying she wants to downplay herself so that her boyfriend can get the kudos he deserves for playing the lead in the fantastic The Leftovers and then she turns up in a dress that Jennifer Lopez would consider?  Is it weird that she chose a dress with fabric that looks like it might have once been wallpaper?  These are questions I need answers to.

 Julie Bowen
Confession: I don't watch her show and my only experience with her is as Jack's boring fiance on Lost.  As a result when I see her picture I tend to grimace and look away.  I understand that her show is good, though, and I know a lot of you watch it so I'm leaving her in.  For you. You're welcome.  Unfortunately, I like her dress but I don't love it.  I reminds me of a duvet I had once that I liked but ultimately returned because it was too girly. Don't get me wrong, I like when things are feminine, but this seems almost adolescent, like it was made for a much, much younger woman to wear.

 Joan Collins
I'm so tempted to swear for emphasis but Grandma reads this blog so I'm going to restrain myself (hi, Gramma!).  Freaking Joan Collins, you guys!  Looking AMAZING.  Rocking her gams and black opera gloves because that's what she DOES.

 Joanne Froggatt
Apparently she didn't get the memo that black is boring and should be avoided.  I'll forgive her this once because I really like her (although I'm so not a fan of her storyline right now).  Also, apparently I need to send out another memo on the lipstick issue because one lady after another continues to ignore me.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus
It's like the Kate Middleton wedding gown but in black and without the giant skirt.  In other words, NO.

 Julianne Margulies
Okay, I love this color on her. I love the cut of the skirt so much.  I love her hair and I love her jewelry. I do not love the bodice and really wish she'd either worn support gear or chosen a different look. Everything looks really smooshed down.  Which isn't flattering.

 Julianne Moore
FABULOUS.  The color is perfect against that alabaster skin and red hair, the cut of the dress is perfect for her, and the beads are so fun!  She's even wearing lipstick and her hair is out of her face!

 Julia Roberts
At first I thought this was a pair of skinny pants and a fitted tuxedo jackets.  I was in the midst of a slow-clap when I took a closer look and realized that -gasp!- it was all one piece.  On one hand I respect that she can say, "You know what? I'm Julia Freaking Roberts and if I want to swear a speedsuit I will."  On the other hand I want to yank her by the hair and drag her back home where she can sit and think about what she's done.

 Kiera Knightley
I have so much hatred toward this gown that I really just want to ignore it and hope it goes away quietly.
 Kelly MacDonald
I mean, you couldn't even TRY?

 Laura Carmichael
I don't totally understand what's happening with this dress...I guess I like the cut but because there's so much fabric it looks kind of bunchy and bulky.  The top seems heavier than the bottom for some reason.  Luckily, she's wearing lippy so I can forgive a lot.

 Lavern Cox
I really like this color and I really like the contrasting silver appliques, I'm just not sure I love them together as they appear here.  Maybe it's because her hair is also two-tone it just feels like there's a lot going on.
 Lupita Nyong'o
Not gonna lie: I hate this.  I think the fabric is messy and blotchy and I think the cut of the gown is kind of strict.

 Maggie Gyllenhaal
I have spent so many years trying to get her into something, anything, resembling a flattering awards show gown that even though this is maybe just a scooch more bridal than I'd like I'm totally giving her a pass because, you guys, it FITS her!

 Maisie Williams
I think this is one of only two ways to wear lace and not look like an old lady (the other way to wear it is to wear it when you're Kate Middleton).  Because it's a wide cut the fabric is fun and kicky, rather than boring and doily.  Also, I really love this color on her.

 Natalie Dormer
I like this; it's fun, it's feminine and it fits her.  Other than that, I'm a tiny bit bored.  Maybe it's because I'm used to her playing characters that have more personality than this dress...who can say?

 Natasha Lyonne
Ugh, I'm falling asleep again.  Which feels overly harsh because there's nothing inherently wrong with this I'm just really bored with it.

 Naomi Watts
I love all of this except for the weird, fringy dropped neckline.  And the wrinkles. And the waist. Okay, it's possible that I actually hate this.

 Patricia Arquette
I really want to love this but I just don't. It's simple and elegant but just a teensy bit too Miss Kitty for me.
Rashida Jones
This on the other hand is a dress I should hate and yet I really pretty much love it.  It's fitted, it's flattering, the blue accent is just the right amount and she looks totally fabulous. Added bonus: lipstick!

Reese Witherspoon
Sadly, this is a case where even her lipstick can't save the boringness of the dress.  I mean...I've fallen asleep again while typing this.

Sarah Paulson
The only thing saving this dress is the bell-jar of the bodice. Other than that she should be ashamed. So boring.
Sophie Turner
Okay, I really love her shoes.  Everything else is killing me.
Sofia Vergara
Here's the problem with asymmetrical bodices: they make everything else look asymmetrical too.

Taryn Manning
The color is great and I love how simple it is.  The folded fabric at her sleeves and shoulders should weigh it down but instead it just adds interest.

Tatiana Maslany
Are you watching Orphan Black yet?  Because, seriously, you really, REALLY should be.  That being said I'm having trouble separating my love for the show and for this brilliant actress and the dress she's in.  My brain says, "Wow, stripes.  Almost like sear-sucker... I'm sure..." and my heart says, "Give her the Oscar, dammit!"  And yes, I know this isn't the Oscars and that she wouldn't be up for an Oscar because she's currently in a TV show, but the heart wants what the heart wants.  (Did I successfully distract you from the dress?  Good.)
Uzo Aduba
First of all, what an incredibly bold color choice.  Sadly, the color is wasted on the cut and design, which make it look like fisherman's netting, or the curtains we used to have in the seventies.

Viola Davis
Sleek, glamorous and beautiful.  It is always amazing to me that this is the woman who played Abilene in The Help.  It's incredible what a make up and wardrobe department can do.


Rosamund Pike
I really want to make a Gone Dress crack but I'll hold off and instead suggest that this funereal monstrosity should be set on fire.


Alysia Reiner
Is it just me or is she glorious? Apart from the fact that she looks about ten feet tall (I know it's an optical illusion but I still love it).  The color is perfect, the dropped shoulders are elegant and feminine, the jewelry and make up are perfect and the dramatic swish at the bottom is really fab.  I never would have guessed that the assistant warden could be so gorgeous!

 Gwendolyn Christie
I want to see a giantess-off between Gwendolyn and Alysia. Both are wearing red, both look amazing and both look about ten feet tall.  I wouldn't change a thing with this look.  I especially love her Old Hollywood finger curls.  She looks like a freaking star.

And there you have it, Lovies.  As for me, I'm off to shovel some snow.  I've heard it's excellent cardio so later, when I come back inside, frozen and stiff with cold, I'm going to add some butter shots to my hot cocoa and cookies.

Until next time!  Mwah!

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