Monday, February 09, 2015

Grammy Slam 2015


Another Fashion Slam, another winter storm.  I guess I should just be happy I don't live in Boston but Jersey traffic was the opposite of fun this morning so I'm not in the mood to look on the bright side.  

What I am in the mood for is skewering silly celebs who either don't listen to their stylists or hire stylists that are clearly high on crack 100% of the time.

(Btw, based on my very cursory initial look at these ladies, I am of the opinion that they've created a cabal focused on not wearing lip color for the sole purpose of messing with me.)

Shall we?

 Anna Kendrick
First, I applaud your effort at trying to be Julia Roberts.  However, you my dear are no Julia Roberts.  Also, LIPSTICK is your friend.

 Angelique Kidjo
I'm not super excited about this.  I know it's traditional and everything but the dark red is I think too dark for her.  She seems to be a Summer based on how good that pale blue/silver looks against her skin and the brick red contrasting color is just too dark and wintry.

 Annie Lennox
Okay, she's a rock goddess but she could have maybe put in a tiny bit more effort.  Thank God her hair is still platinum and short otherwise she'd look like Morticia Addams.

Ariana Grande
It's like the designer said, "Wait, you're doing dinner first?  Let me just tack on a fancy bib for you.  There.  Perfect!"

 Ashanti
I was just perusing the latest Rolling Stone, the one with Nicki Minaj on the cover, and thinking to myself, "Wow.  It's sad that she feels the need to be so...naked...in order to sell albums.  If I didn't know anything about her I would assume her music is terrible based on how much skin she feels she needs to show off in order to get any attention."  Another example that proves the rule: Ashanti.

 Beyonce
The narcolepsy has descended again and the boredom is...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.  Wait, wait.  It's Beyonce it shouldn't be so boring should it?  And yet... I am asleep.

Bonnie McKee
 The 90s called.  It wants all its stuff back.

Charlie Xcx
 It looks like someone put Michael Jackson into a blender with a Barbie doll and out came this.  I always wanted one of those gorgeous pink stoles.  Not sure in what universe it should be paired with a white tuxedo, though.

Ciara
 Someone saw the movie Black Swan one too many times.

Gina Rodriguez
I would have been so on board with this if it hadn't been for the belt.

 Gwen Stefani
Pretty freaking fabulous.  The bodice is fun and kicky with great design but not overly structured.  And I love the skinny parachute capris.  God help me, this works.  Now, if only she were wearing lipstick.

Iggy Azalea
 This color is glorious and the cutouts in her bodice are fun and interesting.  If that had been the extent of it I would have been so happy.  Instead, the designer had to cut her off at the knees, too.  Fail.

 Jane Fonda
The acid green jumpsuit makes her look like a cartoonish Batman villain a-la Poison Ivy.  Even she looks surprised at her terrible choices.

Jeannie Mai
What the what?  The gold sleeves?  The hot pants under lace?  The feathers?  It's all too, too much.

 Jennifer Hudson
This lady has always been a class act and it looks like nothing has changed. Love the dress, love the shoes, love her jewelry, and I love her purple lippy!

 Jenny Lewis
Rainbow Bright called. She said you can keep her outfit.  She didn't realize until she saw it on you how truly awful it was.  Also, burn those shoes.

Jessie J
 This would have been pretty good if it weren't for (again!) the hot pants under the sheer lace skirting.  What is it with hot pants this year?  If the skirt had just been drippy black beading it would have been really gorgeous.

Jhene Aiko
 There is so much here that had potential.  First, what is up with the bodice?  What is it even made of?  I honestly can't tell.  If it and the skirt had been the same color I might have been able to get on board but as it is, the contrast is too great and I'm left feeling like I might not sleep tonight because I'll still be wondering what this was all about.

Kat Graham
So help me God, I think this is utterly FABULOUS. And I say that knowing she has visible hot pants on under that skirt.  I can't help it.  The design is feminine and adds depth and dimension to something that could have been really boring.  She's taking a risk but she's also wearing long sleeves.  I have no idea who she is but her taste in clothes makes me want to give her music a chance.

 Katharine McPhee
Not loving this.  And I honestly can't put my finger on why.  The color isn't great on her, but it's the bodice that's really bothering me.  It's like they needed to add all that reinforced steel otherwise it would pop right open.  Maybe I'm being too literal.

Keltie Knight
I don't even know what to say about this except there is a time and a place for uncomfortable beads that you have to sit on and I don't think an awards show is one of them.

 Katy Perry
How is it that she's wearing long sleeves and a boat neck and still it looks like she's naked?  Is the material that see-through?

 Lady Gaga
Okay, this is annoying.  Because the Lady can actually sing when she opens her mouth and instead of saying to the world, "I don't need to show off my lady-parts to sell albums. I have a little something called TALENT," she instead puts on a dress that could rival Ashanti's.  This is why Mama Conroy wouldn't let me watch Mtv or VH1 when we finally (finally!) got cable.  Her exact words were, "There are scantily-clad women on those channels."  Good to know nothing's changed (except that those channels don't actually play music anymore)

Lisa Harriton
This is awful. I like poppies as much as the next lady but the bodice is just too much.  I wish the entire thing had been made up of the skirting.

 Madonna
What is there to say about Madonna?  Still crazy after all these years?  So insecure that she can't just take it down a notch ever, but ramp up the insanity year after year in order to compete with women who are literally three times younger than she is?  It would be sad if it weren't so entertaining.

Mali Hunter
 Speaking of bathrobes.  And bed-head.  I don't know who this is but she must feel incredibly confident if she's decided to make zero effort.


 Mary J. Blige
Okay, this could have been stunning.  I wish the bodice had ended with that horizontal line/belt.  That could have saved this.  As it is, it's really pretty but not perfect.

 Miley Cyrus
I think this is probably as conservative as she's ever likely to get.  It's black and the neckline isn't plunging into insanity, but the cut-outs are a little much.

 Miranda Lambert
Thank God for her cut-outs and those superfluous pink straps because I would be asleep right now if they weren't there.
 Meagan Trainor
Ugh.  Man, I love your music so much.  Why are you doing this to me?  Okay, first, never believe anyone when they say the short skirt under the long lace dress is going to look fierce.  It never does!  Second, never believe anyone when they say that lace can be worn by anyone under the age of sixty and they won't look at least sixty while wearing it.  That's a lie (except for Kate Middleton, obvs). Third, if your gut reaction to a dress is, "Wow, I think I saw this at the Olympics one year..." Step away.  Ice dancers have great costumes and it can be tempting to try to make it work.  It never does.  You always look like you've stolen a costume from an ice dancer.

Nischelle Turner
 This is pretty good.  The white lines keep it from being too boring and they actually create an optical illusion that makes her waist even tinier than it usually looks.  Well played.

 Nicki Minaj
This is basically the cover of the issue of Rolling Stone I was telling you about earlier, and again I would suggest that if her music were any good, or if she had a modicum of talent, she wouldn't need to be so free with her lady parts.  Now, maybe she is talented, I don't know.  I don't listen to a lot of radio.  But as someone who just observes things in the world I look at this and I doubt that she's any good.  Just sayin.

 Pauley Perrette
At least you're wearing lipstick, but otherwise nice job not making an effort.

 Rihanna
Do you think the bodice is supposed to lop-sided?  Do you think she's supposed to look like one of those Barbie cakes?  Do you think she knows how bad she actually looks?

Rocsi Diaz
 Speaking of lop-sided...what the hell is going on with this?  The dress isn't bad but the bodice is clearly messed up.
Rita Ora
 I came in like a Disco Ball!  I've never failed so hard before!

Taylor Swift
Okay, you know my opinion on butt-capes.  That being said I don't hate this.  The color is great, the shoes are really fun, the cut-outs around her arms add something interesting to the whole effect and I'm pretty sure I'm on board the T-Swift Train.

Zendaya
I flat-out-don't understand what this is supposed to be.  It looks like she went to Bed Bath & Beyond, picked out some curtain panels she liked and then added a belt.

Okay, so glad that's over.  Sadly we still have to contend with WORST IN SHOW:


 Kim Kardashian
Ugh. I've managed to get through so many Slams without having to acknowledge the Kardashians but this year Kim is a plus-one and not just sex-tape-kitten who struck it big with a reality show.  On the plus side, she's wearing a glorified bathrobe complete with bedazzled pockets and sleeves that are way too long for her silly arms.  She looks ridiculous and it has made my day.

Yay, that means BEST IN SHOW is next!!!


Malina Moye 
Wow, gorgeous.  The color is fantastic for her skin, the horizontal stripes look perfect and basically are the exception that proves the rule.  And the glittery bodice is stunning.  And she's wearing lipstick.  Winning!

And that's it, my lovies!  Until next time avoid horizontal stripes (unless you're Malina Moye), and remember that a three-quarter sleeve will make your waist look smaller than it really is.

Mwah!

Love you!  Mean it!

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