Monday, February 29, 2016

Oscar Slam 2016

I discovered that this is the tenth Oscar Slam ever and I had to sit back a second and be like, "TEN? Ten years I've been doing this nonsense?  I just...really?"

And then I was like, nonsense is as nonsense does which is basically me giving myself permission to be nonsensical.  Because why not?

Alicia Vikander
Very interesting. I haven't seen a bubble skirt in years. I think I really like this.  It's soft and feminine and the appliques are gorgeous but not too fussy or structured.

Charlotte Rampling
Why so Amish?  There's something to be said for un-fussy and simple but come on.

Heidi Klum
Dear Heidi, Joan Collins called.  She thinks this could have been better if you'd called her.  Also, she wants the look back. You should get in touch.  Love, Kate.

Isla Fisher
This looks too much like downstairs bathroom wallpaper for comfort.  Partial points for the lippy.

Jennifer Jason Leigh
I've always wondered: is Jason her actual middle name?  Or is it the un-hyphenated first part of her last name?  I'm distracting myself with this silliness because her gown is also silly and I loved Hateful Eight and her in it and and so I'm having trouble throwing the appropriate shade at this dress. First, it's way too close to being the same color as her skin and we all know what kind of trouble happens when you choose a dress the same color as your skin. Maybe I'm just distracted by the weird fall of the skirt.

Kelly Ripa
This looked way better on camera than it does in photographs. I get what she was going for and unfortunately it just isn't as perfect as it could be.  Also? Lipstick, Kelly, for the love of god!

Mindy Kaling
I mean, I love her and I love the blue on this dress but no.  First, it doesn't fit. Second, if you're going to pick a color then PICK A COLOR.  Black should be outlawed at awards shows.  It's too safe and really, too boring to be allowed.

Margot Robbie,
She looks like the golden statue herself, totally amazing, really except the hair.  Why throw caution to the wind when it would have been so easy to structure it somehow?

Olivia Munn
First, great color. Second I'm not sure I'm in love with her one-shouldered poncho but it's not horrible so I'm going to just be grateful that she's wearing makeup walk slowly away.

Olivia Wilde
What is up with turning aprons into dresses?  This is amazingly awful.  Breathtakingly awful. Insanely awful.

Patricia Arquette
Okay, I love the color but the bodice is just so senior prom.

Rooney Mara
This dress is incomprehensible.  She looks like a walking doily.

Saoirse Ronan
Okay, there's a lot of symbolism going on here. The color is for Ireland and the earrings are mismatched for Ireland and it all works pretty well except there's just this ever so slight nod to Ginger from Gilligan's Island.  Am I the only one picking that up?

Sophie Turner
Are you as excited for the return of Game Of Thrones as I am?  More?  That's impossible, stop trying to steal my thunder.  She looks pretty amazing, though, doesn't she?

Sophia Vergara
Oh, my goodness I love this.  The color isn't the boring black it could be, the swath of fabric at her hip is gorgeous and I love that it's not her typical mermaid swish at the bottom.

Brie Larson
Great color, weird ruffles, interesting belt, super lippy.

 Cate Blanchet
Wow, that's a lot of weeds.  Henry Higgins would not approve.  I love the color, ice blue is always good on a blonde, and the feathers are fun, but I'm just not feeling the entire effect.

 Charlize Theron
This is completely amazing.  If only she were wearing lipstick.

 Emily Blunt
Not feeling this.  There are a lot of really super maternity gowns, and while an empire waist is almost always the way to go, it's just not working here.  For me it's a combination of the color (too close to skin tone) and the pattern (more wallpaper - this time from Charlotte's dining room).

 Jennifer Garner
Well look who ended up with Hollywood in the divorce!  I'll allow her to wear the black as she's probably still in mourning, and I'll even give her the fact that she looks fabulous.

 Jennifer Lawrence
Sweet Baby Cambridge this is awful.  Jen, you can afford a stylist now.  So go get one!

Julianne Moore
Wow, I hate this.  First, black? Come on! As a redhead you should be banned from wearing black. What about emerald green?  Sapphire blue?  So disappointed.  Second, the structure is distracting and off-putting.  I don't like it.

 Kerry Washington
Where is the damn lipstick?  Also, like Julianne's above her, the dress is just a little too structured and heavy for me.  The bodice looks like it's made of leather weighs a ton.

 Kate Winslet
It looks like she's wearing an oil-slick, doesn't it?  I can't decide if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

 Lady Gaga is in pants.  Fancy pants, but still.

 Reese Witherspoon
Great color, but I'm not sure what's going on with all that extra fabric in the bodice.

 Rachel McAdams
I love everything about this except the giant pack of wrinkles across her lap.  Who was in charge of this and when are they getting fired?

Tina Fey
Excellent color!  The purple is gorgeous on her and the jewels are amazing! I've been disappointed by Tina in the past but tonight is her night.  Except, where is her lipstick, dammit?

And now the moment you've all been waiting for!

 Amy Poehler
If Isla Fisher is wearing the downstairs bathroom wallpaper, this is the creepy upstairs attic bedroom wallpaper. For shame, Amy.  This looks like a science experiment gone wrong.  I couldn't hate it more if it kicked puppies for a living.

Which means it's now time for:


Naomi Watts
Hello, gorgeous! The sea called, it thinks you look better than your average mermaid and it doesn't get how that's possible.  For real, she looks amazing.  The color has depth and richness and her jewelry is perfect.

And that's all she wrote, lovies!  Until next time!  Mwah!

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