Monday, January 09, 2017

Globes Slam 2017

Another year and another awards season!!  Oh, possums, I'm so excited!!!

Are you ready?  Let's go!

Amy Adams
It looks like she's wearing a shiny black and really uncomfortable breastplate.  Amy, are you on the set of 300?  No?  I didn't think so.  Go change.

Angela Bassett
Gorgeous color but this shoulder-baring cape seems too big a throwback to the 80s.  What is up with people channeling the 80s tonight?

Anna Chlumsky
I love this color, I hate the cut of this gown, though, and lord either be over one shoulder or not but make the fabric match. I am not digging the wide black random strap.  It's almost as if she needed to hide her bra strap so the designer was like, well, I mean, we could always sew this piece on. Yeah? You like? Why not, IT'S ONLY COUTURE.

Anna Kendrick
What on earth did your body do to you to make you hate it so much?  You look like a Dali painting.  Or Picasso, maybe.  I hope this is just an unfortunate angle but I doubt it.

Amanda Peet
You guys. Amanda has finally stopped trolling me!  I might cry.  She's wearing an outfit that's a LEGIT outfit!  And she looks amazing!!

Busy Philipps
I know I should hate this - it's too busy, plus it's black and therefore boring, but I can't.  I can't hate it.  I actually think I really like it. It fits her well and the appliques are interesting and unique.

Brie Larson
Great color, great cut and great fit! A job well done, Brie.

Claire Foy
Is she channeling Krystle Carrington?  This look is fine but it's making me worry that Joan Collins will show up and they'll end up fighting in the swimming pool. 

Carrie Underwood
I love the color but the bodice is really fussy.  I hope she didn't have to eat because I'm sure half of it ended up in those flowers.

Drew Barrymore
Another dress from the 80s.  Look, I know Stranger Things was amazing but not everything needs to be all about that decade, okay?  Living through it once was enough.

Evan Rachel Wood
So disappointing. You had an opportunity, dammit! Okay, so it's supposedly an homage to Marlene Deitrich, which, yes she's amazing, and empowering women who not feel obligated to wear a dress.  Ugh, fine. You win this time, Wood.  But we'll meet again.

Emma Stone
Beautiful and delicate and lovely.  Kind of wish it had been a deeper pink but I won't complain too loudly.

Felicity Jones
What the WHAT?  It's like someone put a frilly 70s tuxedo shirt on top of this dress and while I appreciate her trying to stay away from the 80s, I think she's going in the wrong direction.

Felicity Huffman
Are those pants?  This overall look is very classy but I hope those aren't pants.

Gillian Anderson
Top marks, but damn, pick a color.  This is decidedly bridal.

Gwendolyn Christie
Soft and drapey and lovely.  I really wish it were a color, though.

Heidi Klum
This is pretty cool but I feel like she's got laundry that would be even better.  This is just a really snazzy cocktail dress.

Judith Light
Okay, the pattern, combined with her long limbs are making me think that she's going to bolt across the savanna at any moment.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus
For once...I like it. Kudos, Julia, this isn't terrible.

Kristen Bell
It's nice but I could do with a little less sternum and double-stick tape.

Kathryn Hahn
Okay, first, hem your pants! This is no way for a grown adult woman to leave the house, especially on awards night!  Second, is that a leather bra under your tuxedo jacket?  Top marks for the effort but I'm not feeling this.  

Kerry Washington
On the red carpet this looked like upholstery fabric.  In pictures it looks like a see-through doily.  Neither is very good.

Kristin Wiig
Hang on, I have to go cry a little.  Kristin and I were so close once.  And now she never calls.  She never listens.  All she does is hurt me with her fashion choices.

Laura Dern
This is just a TINY bit too close to upholstery fabric but it fits her really well and she looks really great and happy so what the hell.

Millie Bobby Brown
So pretty and delicate and adorable and age-appropriate! Love this.

Mandy Moore
Again, it's nice but I could do with a little less sternum and maybe an actual color next time.

Michelle Williams
Another doily but at least it's not see-through.  The ribbon choker is a tiny bit twee but it's not the worst thing I've seen tonight.

Nicole Kidman
Why are you forcing me to make the awful "which ice-dancer has she stolen this horrendousness from" joke AGAIN? And what is up with the puffy arm-garters? So, so terrible.

Octavia Spencer
Wow, so many pants tonight!  Look, it's fine (and I like the color) but I've seen her look better. In a dress.

Regina King
Freaking gorgeous.  Talk about Old Hollywood Glamour.  And I really love that the bodice isn't symmetrical.  Full marks.  

Ruth Negga
Ugh.  I hate this so much, probably because I love her so much and I hate that she doesn't look as good as she does on the TV show where she plays the amazing third in the threesome that also includes a vampire and a preacher. In short, I'm not loving this dress. (But Ruth, call me, I still totally wanna be your friend.)

Reese Witherspoon
Soft and buttery and gorgeous, if a little stiff.

Sienna Miller
I mean, if the point of this dress is to show off your abs, mission accomplished.  If it was to be classy, sophisticated and adult, then...almost.

Sophie Turner
Like bad modern art...but once again from the 80s.

Tracy Ellis Ross
I like this but it looks heavy, which is maybe why it's not floor-length.  As it is, she looks amazing from the waist up.

Thandie Newton
Nice and simple and clean until you get to the bottom where it becomes drippy sequins that make me think of lava running upside down. Which is super confusing.  Why would lava run upside down?

Maisie Williams
Wow.  She looks incredible. 

Natalie Portman
She's clearly channeling Jackie O and it's a tough color to pull off but she's totally doing it.

Sarah Jessica Parker
A friend said she looks like a bride who was attacked on her way down the aisle.  I couldn't agree more.

Viola Davis
Stunning in canary yellow!

Winona Ryder
Prom dress horror show.  You should thank me for sparing you from the GIGANTIC bow on her butt.  You're welcome, lovies.  Looking at it head-on it's not so horrible but is that really an endorsement?  No.  No, it's not.

Which brings us to moment you've all been waiting for:

Sarah Paulson
Please go talk to Ruth Negga. Also, are those puffed sleeves?  Anne of Green Gables would be delighted.  I am less so.  And by the way, when did you become Amish?  

And finally, the moment you've all really been waiting for:

Jessica Chastain
Wow.  The color is outstanding, especially against her hair and skin, the cut and fit are incredible and the appliques are perfect.

And that's all for now!  I was pressed for time so if there was someone you love who didn't make the list, apologies!

Until next time, lovies! Mwah!


Colleen E. said...

Can't believe you left Jessica Biel off the worst list. It was awful! Love your review :)

Kate said...

Ha! I leave her off the list every year because I don't really consider her an actress. #imsomean

sheala said...

pretty sure this is gonna be the year of the pantsuit. and tux apparently. and really it's time for the 80s to cycle back. if we leave the fluorescence alone, it should be fun.