Monday, February 27, 2017

Oscar Slam 17

It's the biggest night of the year, Possums!!! Can you even believe that the Oscars have arrived?  Did you watch (I didn't)?  Wasn't it great (I have no idea)?  The dresses (YES!)!  So awesome (and so awful)!

Full disclosure, I've had a single (three) glass of wine so I might be a little too honest as we travel the Land of Pretty People...


Let's go!

Image result for octavia spencer oscars 17:
Octavia Spencer
Gorgeous color (is it gray? is it lavender? do I care? No!), love how feminine and soft and fun and feathery!

Viola Davis
is BRINGING it! Great color, amazing design, so simple and so wow!

Nicole Kidman
A mandala as a dress? No.

Chrissy Thiegen
Okay, full disclosure, I don't understand her job. Is she just, like, married to John Legend and also funny?  Because I don't see her in movies or TV (except that karaoke thing that I should absolutely audition for) so I don't understand why she's everywhere.  In any case, I'm not digging this, even though I really want to because, as previously mentioned, she's awesome.  Why are so many ladies channeling the Amish this year?  I'm not saying they need to go full sternum but a little skin would be okay.

Dakota Johnson
Case in point.  Soooo Amish.  Shoulder pads AND a pelvic bow?  Please.  No.  Joan Crawford and her hangers are not welcome here.

Scarlett Johanson
At first I thought not bad, but not amazing.  I like her hair.  I think this should be my next cut.  But then the more I looked the more I was really bummed by how much this looks like someone's curtains from their first apartment where they were really into trying new things, before their mom visited for the first time and said, "Oh, honey. No."

Brie Larson
I think I would have loved this if it had been a color. The big ruffles are fun and offset the very aggressive and pointy bodice in a playful way.  If it had only been red velvet.

Halle Berry
I cannot put my finger on why but I do not love this.  It looks like someone threw a little netting over a perfectly gorgeous gown and called it a day.

Charlize Theron
Not bad. But not memorable.

Salma Hayek
Wow, someone's had some work done.  And she's wearing black.  Color me disappointed.

Laura Dern
I like this but the extra straps are a little distracting.

Michelle Williams
And there's the sternum I was just wondering about.  In a dress that is boring as the day is LONG.

Emma Stone
This is another reminder never to wear clothes the same color as your skin.  Or lampshades.

Kirstin Dunst
Love the necklace, the dress looks weirdly padded in front (and it's boring black) but pockets!

Jessica Biel
I have been successfully ignoring this woman for YEARS but J. Tim keeps showing up with her on red carpets so I guess I have to finally review what she's wearing. Unfortunately for her, my review is not nice.  What in God's name is up with her gold cammo and that awful fringe necklace? Next year, please stay home, Jess.  Also, Amish much?

Image result for ruth negga oscars 17:
Ruth Negga
(Okay, first, if you haven't already binge-watched Preacher, stop what you're doing and get at that first.) What the HELL?  Are you Amish now, too? Come ON!

Janelle Monae
It looks like a piece of artwork had a kid with someone's ice dancing costume, which means I'm not sure it works as a gown... the giant poofs are kind of ruining it for me. I really love her hair piece, though.  That doesn't sound right.  Her headband?  That sounds so middle school.  Head piece!  That's it.  I like it. Very Roman.

Alicia Vikander
It fits her well, and I like the necklace and capped sleeves, I just wish it had been a color.

Leslie Mann
It's good but is she channeling Emma Watson as the new live-action Belle? I think maybe yes.

And now the moment you've all been waiting for:


Ginnifer Goodwin
Holy hell, it looks like Satan himself dressed her.

And of course, finally, BEST IN SHOW:

Taraji P. Hensen
Outstanding Old Hollywood glam. She is clearly channeling Marilyn and she's killing it; absolutely amazing.

And that's all she wrote, Chickens!  Until next time I'm sending love and kisses to all the stuff in your closets. Mwah!!

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