Monday, March 05, 2018

Oscar Slam 2018

It's been a long 7 months but a new normal is upon us!  Apologies for missing so many lovely gowns and evil commentary, but I'm back now and what better moment to return than for the Oscars?

I agree, NONE.

So! Shall we?

Allison Williams
I really hope this looked better on camera because I would say that this is another reminder about why we don't wear clothes that are same tone as our skin. I think I mostly like it otherwise, I just feel like it washes her out in a really terrible way.  Loving the Old Hollywood hair, though. 

Jennifer Garner
This is a color that cannot go wrong, the bodice is one I'm less sure about, though. I don't love how asymmetrical it is. Her hair looks fab though so I'll forgive it.

Mira Sorvino
I liked this a lot better on TV than in this pic.  It looks sort of washed out here but I can assure you that it was a lovely and frothy baby pink on camera and the vines of flowers weren't obnoxious but really sweet.  This is the first of my long-running diatribe about LIP COLOR, though.  Ladies, it's a major event.  Lipstick should be reapplied after dinner. 

Meryl Streep
Very nice.  I hesitate to say that it's nothing special but I feel like we've seen her in way more glamorous gowns than this.  

Ashley Judd
Great color but the gown itself seems overly structured, like the bodice has no movement at all.  In fact, I feel like it's a gown we've seen over and over again at these things, just in different jewel tones.  Also, the necklace seems excessively long.

Elisabeth Moss
Okay, at least she's wearing lip color but damn, again with the dress the same color as your skin?  And, I'll be honest, though it might be an unpopular opinion, I miss Peggy Olson's hair color.  The platinum blonde is very Hollywood but I don't think it suits her.

Salma Hayek
What in the name of all that is holy? Was it modeled on a very fancy lampshade? I honestly can't tell.
Helen Mirren
Once again, she doesn't disappoint.  The woman can BRING IT to an awards show. The color is wonderful and the jewels perfectly complement it.

Laurie Metcalf
Aunt Jackie's come a long way, hasn't she?  So let's just tick off the items, okay?  She's wearing white and doesn't look even a little bit bridal, WIN. She's wearing lippy, WIN.  Her hair is gorgeous, WIN. Her accessories are understated and delightful, WIN.  

Lupita Nyong'o
Okay, I really like the gold dress, but I'm having trouble with the sash.  Is it supposed to look military?  Because it totally does and that's throwing off the vibe for me.

Laura Dern
Two whites in a row that don't make their ladies look like brides!  It's a miracle!  The cut is great and the asymmetrical sleeves are fun.  And her hair is awesome.  

Taraji P. Henson
Okay, I'm having a little trouble with this one.  It's the first I've seen that reminds me of an ice dancer's costume.  Is it because the Olympics just wrapped and someone was inspired?  

Mary J. Blige
Another non-bridal white!  How exciting!  She looks really good, and I may be wrong, the bodice looks ever so slightly too tight.  I won't quibble, though.  I like it.


Margot Robbie
This looks like she's wearing Christmas garland.  Even she looks uncomfortable.  Her shoulders are hitched up like she's saying to herself, "What have I done? I wonder if I can rip the garland off in the ladies room after the show starts..."

Emma Stone
Okay, you know that while I don't love pants on ladies at awards shows, I can be bought with good fashion and fun accessories.  This offers neither.  Unless you count wrinkles as accessories in which case we're no longer friends.

Octavia Spencer
Looks like someone was inspired by my secret crush, Kate Middleton. Loving this color, loving the cut, loving the soft folds of the bodice.  Do I wish she were wearing lipstick?  Of course I do.


Sandra Bullock
Okay, no.  I don't love two-tone gowns and I really don't love gathers of fabric that are unflattering.  So, no.

Gal Gadot
She looks freaking amazing. Delightfully flapperesque with some amazing jewelry.

Nicole Kidman
Everything looks oddly fake. It looks like she's wearing a wig and the dress is just too much. It looks like she's wrapped up her lady garden as a present for someone. 

Jane Fonda
Looks like the Botox is really taking it's toll...I mean, okay, I will be the first to say that I LOVE Grace & Frankie, but lordy, she looks uncomfortable.  Or maybe that's unhappy?  Again, maybe it's the Botox but I honestly can't tell.

Viola Davis
Love the color, love the sequins, don't love the bodice. Looks like a 90s bikini with underwire up close.

And now the moment you've all been waiting for!


Emily Blunt
Good lord.  What in the name of the Sweet Baby Cambridge is this supposed to be?  It looks like someone added unnecessary accessories to a really boring nightgown. 

And Finally!


Allison Janney
Good GAWD, I love it. She looks balls-out amazing. The color is stunning, the cut is perfect and the sleeves? Are heaven.

And that's all she wrote, Possums.  Until next time, keep wearing vertical stripes and always have a back up lippy handy.



Anonymous said...

Spot on as always.
Laurie Metcalf was the best. Every time the camera moved to her, I thought, "I know this woman," but could not identify her for the first few seconds. Amazing.

And the lady garden - award worthy.


sheala said...

i think the decor on Lupita's dress was for reasons.

Unknown said...

Lampshades and Lady gardens and Christmas garland, I love it!!!! Rofl