Tuesday, January 08, 2019

Globe Slam 2019

How is it possible that the Globes are happening?  It was JUST Christmas.  

Right, well, ready?  Here we go!

Amy Adams
I like this.  The color is good against her skin and her hair and jewelry are understated and nice. If only she were wearing lipstick.

Alex Borstein
Talk about bringing the old Hollywood glam.  The color is fab, the jewels are perfect, her hair is classic and fabulous.  She's running laps around Rachel Brosnahan.

Allison Brie
What is God's holy name is this?  Allison, your dress is missing the top half.

Anne Hathaway
I hate this is so much.  Honestly, I guess I get the bottom but what is happening up top?  What kind of shiny, metal leopard died to make this dress? It's hideous.

Allison Janney
Wow.  This is gorgeous.  The color, the drapery, the bling, the softness of her hair.  Again, if only she were wearing lippy.

Alyssa Milano
Someone somewhere is missing some very fancy wallpaper.

Connie Britton
Wait, did I just fall asleep?  I did.  Sorry.

Claire Foy
Honey, they gave you the raise you deserved.  You could have spent a little of it on a decent dress.

Charlize Theron
Is that a gigantic neck bow?  Hard pass. 

Catherine Zeta-Jones
First, is it just me or has she had a TEENSY bit of eye-work done?  She's so squinty she's starting to look like Nicole Kidman.  The dress is good if a bit overly-structured.  I like the color and in theory I like the swooshes everywhere but I worry she's going to turn her head suddenly and lose an eye.

D'Arcy Carden
Better known as Janet from the Good Place (if you're not already watching you're missing out) who seems to be wearing the weirdest horizontal seams I've ever seen.  It's looks wrinkled but I know it's not, but I can't get past it.  Better luck next time, D'Arcy.

Danai Gurira
Like Alyssa Milano this print is a bit too close to wallpaper for my liking, though I do appreciate the shoulder bow and sweep of fabric down her back.

Emmy Rossum
Okay, remember all those times we said it was bad to wear a color that was too close to your own skin tone?  Remember?  Emmy?  No?  I'm shocked and you're washed out to the point of being almost transparent.

Emily Blunt
She decided to wear a giant lace tablecloth.  Interesting.

Elisabeth Moss
Okay, this is usually something I would hate but it's actually kind of cute so as long as she can sit down it without accidentally giving up the goodies I'm fine with it.  I really wish she'd go back to a darker hair color, though, and maybe WEAR SOME LIPSTICK TO AN AWARDS SHOW.

Elizabeth Perkins
What fresh hell is this?  A high waisted, long-sleeved, puff-shouldered, sequined jump suit?  I'm afraid if I try to speak I might barf in my mouth. 

Emma Stone
Wow, a neutral mermaid.  How...awful.  Emma, please see above my notes to Emmy about skin color and dress color.

Felicity Huffman
The exception that proves the rule?  Or are the colors just far enough away that it works?  Regardless, she looks amazing.

Glenn Close
She's dressed as the nanny of all of our nightmares.  Mary Poppins's Revenge.  Don't fall asleep, children.

Halle Berry
There's just too much here.  The cut is actually pretty nice, but I can't see it because the horizontal stripes are awful, the color is awful, and again NO LIPPY?  Why is Hollywood so mean?

Heidi Klum
Looks like Heidi and Allison Brie are having the same problem - someone forgot to put on the top of their dress!

Isla Fisher
Wow, I hate this so much I'm not sure where to start.  The cut and fit are fine, but the color is just terrible and add to that the stripes?  No.  Just, please, no.

Jameela Jamil
Arguably the funniest character on TV right now, wearing something absolutely gorgeous. I love the color, I love the fit, I love the little appliques of design on the skirting and I love the folds of the skirt.  She looks amazing.

Jessica Chastain
Are they just messing with us?  Do you think they think this looks good?  The nicest thing I can say is that at least she's wearing lipstick.

Jodie Comer
She looks like she's going to a REALLY fancy funeral.

Jamie Lee Curtis
One word: LIPSTICK.  She looks pretty fierce all the way around until you get to her face and it all kind of blends together.

Judith Light
See my notes to Jamie Lee Curtis above.  Also, would it kill you to stop vamping for a second?  Maybe it's because I live in Jersey so I get her headshot (which is exactly this pose above) at least once a week in my mailbox promoting whatever play she's in and I just can't look at it anymore.

Julianne Moore
This makes my head hurt.  The color is washing her out and I can't tell from this pic but it doesn't seem to be a very flattering cut so while I adore Ms. Moore I need to pass on this.

Julia Roberts
Remember back when she had dark hair and wore lipstick and was considered to be the most beautiful woman in the world?  I will never understand the obsession with changing your appearance for the worse.  She (and Elisabeth Moss and many others) looks better as a red head or a brunette.  Why mess with that?  Okay, rant over.  Can we talk about her pants?  Or her butt-cape?  Or her bodice which is a TERRIBLE color?  No?  Good call.

Kristen Bell
Another pitch for The Good Place (you really need to watch it) while I nod with approval at this ensemble.  The color is good, just far enough away from her skin to make it work, the cut is great, it fits, there are no wrinkles, and her hair and jewelry are all on point.  She's even wearing lippy.  Be still my heart.

Keri Russell
I want to like this so much.  The skirt is fine, it's a standard column, but the bodice seems to have way too much excess fabric and the shoulders seem to be missing some serious Dynasty-level shoulder padding. 

Laura Dern
Oh, come ON.  You are messing with me, aren't you?  I can see your giant granny panties through the dress.  Which is distracting me from also being able to see your bra.  This is like if an Amish woman decided to give see-through clothes a try.  No one wants to see this.

Lili Reinhart
Lili!  What did I just tell Laura?  See above for your chastisement.

Lucy Liu
Christ on a bike, what is this?  Ugly wallpaper paired with a sheer cape?  Who told you this would be okay.  Do not trust them ever again.

Melissa McCarthy
This is just about perfect if you get rid of the stars.  She looks like a Harry Potter extra.  All-over sequins would have been fine but this is just weird and a little juvenile.

Nicole Kidman
I'm sorry but she looks like she's wearing a latex dress and I'm not okay with it.

Olivia Coleman
Easily one of my all-time favorite actresses ever, which is why it makes me so sad that she took a perfectly wonderful dress and added silver netting down the arms and up the shoulders.  What and why?

Octavia Spencer
Wow, I love this so much.  The off-the-shoulder cut is delicate and feminine as is the throw-back skirt.  She looks wonderful.
Patricia Clarkson
I love her so I want to love this but I just...cannot.  The hombre colors are off, the bodice is weirdly deconstructed and I'm sorry but her hair looks a little messy.

Rachel Brosnahan
Yellow is a really difficult color to pull off, as Rachel is demonstrating above.  I wonder if she had a heads up on what Alex Borstein was wearing and decided to go low-key as a solid. 

Regina King
Gorgeous.  It fits her like a glove, the fabric is luxurious and while I don't LOVE the cut of the bodice, this gets a solid 8 out of 10 in my book.

Rosamund Pike
First of all, put it on or take it off, as my grandma would say.  If your cold wear it, if you're not, lose it.  Second, there is so much about this that I hate it's hard to know where to start.  The skirting is not quite a mermaid but too low to be normal.  It cuts her in a weird place.  Second, what is up with women leaving their top part of their dresses at home this year?

Rachel Weisz
I love her too much to say anything except, NO.  And also, puffy shirts aren't a thing for a reason, Rach.

Saoirse Ronan
This looks really heavy.  Other than that I'm mostly fine with it, if a little bored.

Sandra Oh
This is crazy good.  The color is perfect against her skin and she's wearing white without looking like a bride.  I love it.  Also, hair and make up are ON!

Taraji P. Henson
I'm not loving the cut of this, I'll be honest.  I'm super worried the double sided tape won't hold and the wardrobe malfunction will be epic.  Other than that, she looks fierce and she's wearing black velvet.

Thandie Newton
I can't help it, I'm so bored with this.

Yvonne Strahovski
This ice blue is nice but again, a little boring.

And now the moment you've been waiting for


Janelle Monae
Maybe it's because I don't watch much TV or movies anymore and I don't know who this is but NO.  Just, absolutely not, no, please, never, ever, no.


Lupita Nyong'o
Okay, wow.  Loving this color, loving the beads, loving her make up and her jewelry and those shoulders.  She's not wearing a necklace for all the right reasons.  Sometimes your clavicle is all the jewelry you need. 

And that's it, lovies!  Welcome to awards season, there'll be more where this came from, just hang tight and never forget to add lippy to your look!

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