Monday, September 23, 2019

Emmy Slam 2019

So, adulting is just taking up all my time lately to the point that I think I missed completely the last major awards event (for shame!).  But it's my favorite time of year, and I'm excited to dish some dirt and throw some shade in the general direction of these ladies.  

Join me?

 Amy Adams
What in holy hell is happening?  Is that mustard yellow under black gauze?  Is that a John Travolta collar straight out of Saturday Night Fever?  Ugh.  The cut of the bodice makes it look like a nightgown and the lack of lippy makes her look like a corpse.  Someone get this woman some help.  She needs it.

 Angela Bassett
Who put this woman in an outfit that covers her most amazing feature (i.e. her biceps)?  Someone out there has some explaining to do.  Yes, the color is glorious and yes, the cape/train is fun and dramatic but damn there's this thing called a dry-cleaner and they'll HEM YOUR PANTS, all you have to do is ASK.

 Alex Borstein
This woman can do no wrong.  Okay, so the giant AB on her shoulder is thismuch too Laverne and Shirley for me but the color, the old Hollywood glam, the hair...it's all pretty wonderful.

 Amy Poehler
I mean.  Where to start?  HEM YOUR PANTS!  Ladies, if you insist on wearing pants to events where a dress is the obvious choice, the least you can do is hem them so that you don't look like a very short clown on coffee can stilts.

 Amy Sedaris
Adorable.  So mod and fun.  She's not taking anything or anyone, including herself, too seriously and it's delightful.

Busy Phillips
I literally just fell asleep trying to think of something to say about this. 

 Christina Applegate
Ten points to the first woman I've seen to be wearing lipstick.  Minus ten for this terrible, terrible gown.  It's like it couldn't decide what to be when it grew up so it opted for multiple necklines, sleeves and bodice cuts.

 Clea Duval
Okay, now this.  THIS is how you wear pants to an awards event.  Now, you know this is not my first choice but look how great the fit is?  She looks sleek and polished and genuinely comfortable.  Love it.

 Catherine O'Hara
I love her and I love Schitt's Creek so I'm going to just ignore how boring this is.

 Catherine Zeta-Jones
Great color, very fun, lots of drama.  Maybe a TINY bit too ice-dancer-y up top but why quibble?

 D'Arcy Carden
LOVE this.  The only thing that would have made this better is if she'd worn an actual color.

 Emilia Clarke
It's like she wore a jumper with nothing underneath and maybe this is the parent that lives deep inside me but I want to take her aside and ask if she's cold while simultaneously handing her a sweater.

 Gwendolyn Christie
Do you think she thought it was a costume party so she decided to show up as Jesus?

 Isla Fisher
Nice.  Very nice.  Also, lipstick!

 Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Also nice, just with no lipstick.

 Kristin Bell
I could maybe get behind this whackadoo dress if she were wearing lippy.  But no.  I reject this.

 Lena Headey
Do you think she had a convo with her stylist where she was like, "No, everyone hates me, we need to go soft this time.  But like, not too soft, let's add some really aggressive black ribbons so people still keep their distance."?

 Laura Linney
So, at first I was really not down with this.  But you can actually see the toes of her shoes which shows effort, at least on the part of her stylist.  And the top is so different and fun and dramatic.  I'm good.

 Maisie Williams
Looks like she's channeling early Madonna with a little old Hollywood glam thrown in for sophistication.  Love this.

 Maya Rudolph
It looks like she's just realized what she's wearing and is having VERY. BIG. SECOND. THOUGHTS.

 Marissa Tomei
I like this a lot but the lack of structure at her right shoulder is making me a little iffy. Also, I don't love dresses that have so many colors competing for my attention.  It would have been so much more dramatic to be just red, or just fuchsia.

 Michele Williams
Now that is some very fancy wallpaper.

 Natasha Lyonne
Looks like someone's been watching Dynasty lately, huh?  That power bow could take an eye out. 

 Naomi Watts
There's so much happening here.  What's with the little swath of fabric above the bodice?  What's with the belt and why doesn't it fit better?

 Patricia Clarkson
I love her so much and this is fun.  The color is good, the beads are dramatic, as are the sleeves and she wore lippy and overall I think she looks pretty great.

 Phoebe Waller-Bridge
Okay, this looked a LOT better on tv than it does here.  And I adore her show (please go watch Fleabag, you will thank me).  So I'm rolling with it.

 Rachel Brosnahan
Mrs. Maisel herself, ladies and gents.  Great dress, I think.  It's a teensy bit too shiny and kind of reminds me of a really structured garbage bag but mostly I think she looks really good.

 Regina King
Wow do I love this color on her.  What I don't love is the cut - are you a halter or are you straps?  Because both make it look like she decided to wear a bra underneath and it's no bueno.

 Robin Wright
She looks like a Greek goddess which maybe was the point.  Her role in Wonder Woman was a while back but I prefer to think of her as a warrior amazonian than the last man standing on that HBO show about politics.  What was it called again?  Ugh, whatever.  She's pretty but I wish she'd worn lippy.

 Sandra Oh
She looks really good but I feel like the color of this dress is doing nothing for her. 

 Sophie Turner
Wow, she looks incredible.  This fits and it's a great color on her. 

WORST IN SHOW



Zoe Kazan
I mean.  Even she looks like she knows it was a huge mistake.  You already know I hate me some bows but this is just beyond the pale.  It reminds me of the dress the fairies made for Briar Rose in the Disney cartoon Sleeping Beauty.  I be the people sitting on either side of her all night were PISSED.


BEST IN SHOW

 Viola Davis
Once again, this woman is killing me. I love this. Apparently, I DO like a two-tone dress, I just needed to be shown the right one.  The jewelry is perfect, her hair and make up are awesome (lippy!) and she looks absolutely stunning.

And so that's all folks!  If adulting doesn't get too taxing I hope to see you on the flip side and dish a little about the Oscars.  Keep your fingers crossed!  In the mean time, do yourself a favor and get your pants hemmed.



2 comments:

Rosie D said...

You. Are. Hilarious. That is all.

Kate said...

Thank you!!